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[Graham-]

You never really pitch a thing in a sentence. The situation is more like if you can't pitch a thing in a sentence then you don't really understand it. If you ever do pitch your thing there's a good chance that you have to earn your audience's attention the entire way. The elevator pitch makes you know what you should focus on first.

Indie games that fail commercially have poor focus. "Why should I play your game over any others?" You better have a passionate answer, otherwise you're just stabbing in the dark.

[Klaim]

This should be of interest to people following this discussion:

http://www.gamasutra.com/view/feature/184229/the_secrets_of_promotion_for_indies.php

[doihaveto]

This should be of interest to people following this discussion:

http://www.gamasutra.com/view/feature/184229/the_secrets_of_promotion_for_indies.php

That's pretty interesting! Especially the comments afterwards...

[Graham-]

*thumbs* jon blow

[Chaotic Kitten]

The text I have four our game is this:

Legend of Dungeon is a 4 Player Co-Op Roguelike-like Beat'em'up with dynamic lighting on awesome pixel art.

and this:

You and up to three companions are looking for treasure and glory in a dark flickering dungeon full of deadly. Legend has it there is a massive treasure all the way down on the 26th floor. Your quest: get the treasure, and make it back alive. Which you won't, you'll die... ...the game is about dying, and treasure.


I would love feedback

[Klaim]

*thumbs* jon blow

Hahaha he's good indeed

[Muz]

The text I have four our game is this:

Legend of Dungeon is a 4 Player Co-Op Roguelike-like Beat'em'up with dynamic lighting on awesome pixel art.

and this:

You and up to three companions are looking for treasure and glory in a dark flickering dungeon full of deadly. Legend has it there is a massive treasure all the way down on the 26th floor. Your quest: get the treasure, and make it back alive. Which you won't, you'll die... ...the game is about dying, and treasure.

Sounds good, but I'm curious why you mentioned the dynamic lighting (which is often not a selling point of any game) and how roguelike & beat em up go together. Do you mean a diablolike? (or whatever that genre is called)

[Chaotic Kitten]

Sounds good, but I'm curious why you mentioned the dynamic lighting (which is often not a selling point of any game) and how roguelike & beat em up go together. Do you mean a diablolike? (or whatever that genre is called)

It is part Beat'Em'Up in perspective and combat, like old-school 4 player arcade games (it plays a little like TMNT and X-Men) and it's part Roguelike, because everything else is heavily inspired by the classic Rogue. Permadeath, mysterious items and potions, gold as points, items on floor, etc. 

The Dynamic Lighting is on 2d sprites, which is highly unusual, and makes the game very visually unique. 

Maybe it should say "Legend of Dungeon is a 4 Player Co-Op Roguelike-like Beat'em'up with stunning pixel graphics"?

[Impmaster]

Yeah, I like that better. The other was too long.

[Evan Balster]

Legend of Dungeon is a 4 Player Co-Op Roguelike-like Beat'em'up with dynamic lighting on awesome pixel art.

Nobody who isn't a game developer is going to give two shits about "dynamic lighting", unfortunately.  The same more or less applies to pixel art, I think, though your mileage may vary.  Those would condense into "the game looks super neato" which doesn't really deserve more than a single word in your pitch and risks sounding haughty.

You and up to three companions are looking for treasure and glory in a dark flickering dungeon full of deadly. Legend has it there is a massive treasure all the way down on the 26th floor. Your quest: get the treasure, and make it back alive. Which you won't, you'll die... ...the game is about dying, and treasure.

Always try to be succinct with marketing materials.  People are lazy readers, especially when they're looking for amusement.

"You and up to three companions are looking for a legendary treasure, rumored to lie at the the 26th floor of a deadly, flickering dungeon.  Your quest:  Get in, get treasure, get out alive...  Which you won't.  No one ever does."

[Muz]

Pixel art does pull in pixel art enthusiasts. But yeah, I don't think it works well in an elevator pitch. Graphics are marketing in its own right, and quite often you can put in an elevator pitch with a thumbnail/screenshots.

Roguelike still brings to mind ASCII characters on a turn-based grid. So, beat em up roguelike is still confusing.

Dungeon crawler might be better. Items, HP, gold, potions are all available in classic dungeon crawlers as well as Diablo. People are more familiar with Diablo being a fast paced RPG than they are with roguelikes.

Permadeath is good to put in the pitch in some form (I like Evan's style). People either love it or hate it, so it's a significant point.

[Chaotic Kitten]

Hmmm, I've put all your feedback into it the best I can, how about these?

"1-4 players team together to Crawl & Brawl through a beautiful and challenging Rogue inspired Dungeon."

"You and up to three companions are on a hunt for a treasure rumored to lie on the 26th floor of a dark and deadly dungeon.  Your quest: get the treasure and make it back alive. Which you won't, no one ever has."

What do you think?

[Richard Kain]

Here's my elevator pitch...

A collectible card game with rules largely identical to Triple Triad from Final Fantasy 8. Built in Unity for cross-platform support and largely targeted at mobile phones for the single-player portion. Export it to the Unity Web Player for integration on Facebook. On-line version will be free with competitive rules that allow for the loss of cards. Micro-transaction will be fore new card packs. A deck of 24 basic cards will run you $1. Local multiplayer edition of the game will be free, with possible micro transactions for licensed card packs. Local multiplayer will also allow for local trading and competition for cards, Pokemon-style.

[Christian Knudsen]

Is that a pitch to potential players or a publisher?

[Bishop]

Trash TV - You play as a television trapped inside a recycling centre and have to solve puzzles with lots of guns to escape.

[Richard Kain]

Is that a pitch to potential players or a publisher?

Definitely a publisher.

If I was making the pitch to a potential player I'd say it was collectible cards meets tic-tac-toe. Gotta know your audience.

[ANtY]

You're a vampire and you fight your way through dog and hog detectives to the nearest hospital in the lust for blood.

[Christian Knudsen]

Is that a pitch to potential players or a publisher?

Definitely a publisher.

If I was making the pitch to a potential player I'd say it was collectible cards meets tic-tac-toe. Gotta know your audience.

Cool. That was definitely the vibe I was getting.

[Wilson Saunders]

You're a vampire and you fight your way through dog and hog detectives to the nearest hospital in the lust for blood.

Your pitch lacks any reference to what the player will be doing in your game. "Fight" is a little to generic and can refer to FPS shooters, brawlers, Shmups, or 1 on 1 fighting games. Also since Vampires are known to desire blood the "lust for blood" is kinda superfluous. That is unless there is a "lust" mechanic in your game you want to allude to.

Here is my pitch:

A side scrolling Shmup where the player can change between different ship types mid-level in reaction to different enemy behaviors.

[TheLastBanana]

My game is a multi-directional space shooter in which you use the hulls of your defeated enemies as your only armor and weaponry.