I finally have something to put down here. It's a little long, I'm sorry.
I've been thinking about an ex of mine, she and I were dating for about 3 years. I broke it off. The reason for the break up in short was because sometimes calling her on the phone just feels like being alone, she was the nicest and sweetest person I ever met and I'm not just saying that I literally had a hard time believing she just wasn't kidding with me. She will remain this image of a personality I have trouble believing anyone else could have something close to. She made me so happy all the time and we never fought once in the three years (seriously how is that possible). For me being just happy all the time wasn't enough, and I ended things because she would seem to mold herself based on what I liked/disliked.
I say I liked musicals, she loved them, and tells me a story of all the ones she went to and really liked.
I then tell her I hate musicals, she always hated them and tells me a story about how she hates them.
Normally the difference between something real and fake is consistency, where their stories line up, how long they keep to the story, and supporting evidence from outside sources confirming the events. Hers lasted 3 years. Though I trusted her and I still do and I'll tell you why...I don't even mind/care about the "lying" itself...I only wanted her to be herself, have her own likes, dislikes and opinions. The truth turns out isn't that she doesn't either like or dislike anything strong enough to not be able to switch based on who she is trying to please, so ironically the "real" her is a doll volunteering to be played with. Her goal was to please someone and that made her happy.
and I didn't want a adoring plaything. I wanted an equal and so I ended things.
I don't actually want her back at all and that's not even why I feel a little down. I actually feel down because she was so full of warmth and happiness, that for three years of my life I felt something I haven't in years now. No, not love, not happiness, but something close to a constant bliss. It's not just being happy, it was a lifestyle so surreal and past the meta of your thoughts of an everyday life, I can't describe it without giving an example.
Things like first going driving out to eat for lunch, then going to a few "hidden" parks to roll in the grass and talk (not a euphemism), then playing a airship game on the wii. oh sure sounds normal enough...then making a model airship out of blankets and pillows, then adding in a fans and Christmas lights inside the fort and two mini gaming chairs as a pilot seats to pretend we are flying. Then
decide to go fly a kite with her brother and sign up for 3 street dancing lessons just because her brother said he liked how someone did something in a music video.
I have about billion examples of these because it happened every single day around her, without any hyperbole.
and it hurts me now because I think back and know how that life isn't something normal and after not having that feeling for this long I feel like I never will again.
I see the dynamics of fictitious people like troy and abed from the show community and think that I once had that and the rest of the world thinks it's ridiculous. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6vgQote6ps