I and have been unable to work sincerely on anything new for a very long time, because I'm sinking all my time into one project I've been chopping away at for about two years. I can't give it my full attention because I have to do other work full time to feed and shelter myself. I have no serious assurance it will be particularly well-received when it's finished. This is still what I love doing. But I'm learning "love" doesn't produce automatic satisfaction.
I have been reduced to "lurking" status for quite a while now; I only occasionally come here and browse, and when I do, I find myself (to my own annoyance and self-disappointment) grumbling, "Who are all these new kids? Where did everyone go?" Then I feel dissatisfied with the community as a whole, asking things like, "Why is everyone in their midtwenties, probably white, and male?" But I am all of these things, so I can't ever be part of the solution. And, anyway, there's nowhere better to go.
All that depressing rant to say:
I know I'm not the only one out there feeling disconnected and unfulfilled in his work. Everybody, everywhere: Keep working. The future is always different; I feel time and change are inextricably glued together. And if you're at the bottom, "different" means "better". But to get to different
you have to work.
Or maybe you have to work because it's all you know anymore. But there's pride in that, too; you still have a choice, and if you're choosing to keep pushing forward, you're doing the best possible thing -- best of two is still best.
Either way, you're winning. Not prettiest. Not happiest. Winning. And in this life, little league advice from fathers has cut short its application: Winning is
what matters. Because it's not people with feelings vs. people with feelings. It's those "person vs. environment" and "person vs. self" struggles you remember from fiction analysis in school. We're all "person". We're winning. It's enough.
Peace and hope,