It took a while to decide whether I wanted to come back or not, but overall I gained a lot of unexpected but very necessary insight here at TIGS (albeit the hard way) so it is worth taking it for another spin. I don't know if I've pissed a lot of people off or just earned eye rolling for my views at the time of my last departure here, but either way I cant really take any of it back nor would I if I could but hopefully we all can at least move past it (at the very least I will). The biggest question is not why did I leave, that was obvious, but why would I return?
Shortly after the blowout here I kind of just went through a few days of meltdown and did some research, mostly on how I was feeling. Up until that point I'd been diagnosed with Bipolar but it didn't seem to account for a lot of what I was going through, I'd never really had issues of "mania" as described with bipolar so I started to have doubts about the diagnosis. After some research and doctor visits I was given a new diagnosis:
borderline personality disorder. Some of the symptoms are as follows:
*Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
*A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
*Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
*Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
*Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
*Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
*Chronic feelings of emptiness
*Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
*Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms
Though a lot of the comments said about me in the hidden forums carried some sting and were a bitter pill to swallow, they did force me to go back and not only read through my comments but examine my behavior more closely. The new diagnosis I was given really started to make sense in the context of it all and I may never have thought to move forward with being re-evaluated had things not turned out the way they did.
Having a new diagnosis doesn't mean I magically become somebody new, but it at least helps me understand where some of the intense and often overwhelming feelings are probably coming from and better prepare for them. For example, one key facet is that feelings of rejection or exclusion can often cause things that may not directly be about me to feel like they are. It made discussions about white privilege, sexism, etc. very difficult because it was hard to get past the feelings that people would be dismissive because I am white, male, etc. which ended up throwing me into a fit of extreme defensiveness. This sort of back-to-the-wall feeling didn't just occur here, but all throughout my life. It was taking a toll on me, my self esteem, and my overall ability to deal with life.
I feel a huge weight lifted off me in light of all this and I am not sure that things would have worked out this way had I not had the experiences here I did. I don't know what anyone's opinion is of me here anymore, nor can I really do a whole lot about them, but regardless to everyone here thank you for giving me a much needed step in the right direction (whether you intended to be helpful or not). With Ludum Dare coming up I've decided to try my hand at it this year and I felt it would be a good time to rejoin the community. I found a lot of comfort in being helpful around here so hopefully this time around, armed with a better mindset, I can stay focused on the better aspects.
I highly recommend anyone here going through the motions of mental chaos to read through their own posts here and elsewhere, you can gain some real insight taking a hard honest look at your own behavior. If anything, you might see aspects you wish to change. Has any of you had your time at TIGS change your life in a significant way? If so , let's hear it!
P.S. As a side note I also discovered that I am dyslexic, which not only makes so much sense why I struggled wit certain things in school but also why programming is such a mental battle for me. I've been able to find a few coping strategies that has made writing code go much smoother for me.
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