So I was really bored this past summer and I wrote a quick story, and I kinda never got past the editing part :/ I was wondering if anyone on the board wanted to help me revise it or tell me whats wrong with it. :D
If you guys decide my writings good enough then I'll probably write a cavestory fan fic 
but only if you guys think its good enough. I don't want to butcher an awesome gameAnyways so here it is:
Right so this has been floating around my computer since the summer. I've been meaning to expand it in the middle so they actually do alotta stuff after the bear but I never got to it. Read, tell me what you think, tell me what I did wrong, right, and if I should continue to elongate the story in the middle. Thanks!
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Randy reached a clearing in the forest and with a sigh collapsed onto the floor with an unceremonious thud. He lay there for a few minutes reveling in the cool night air that flowed around him. He had been traveling all day and was on the last leg of his quest. Another day and he would reach his destination, Yones.
With a start Randy’s hand quickly flashed over to his belt and felt the package there, reassured he gave a sigh of relief and quickly got up. He quickly took off the bulkiest parts of his armor. Off with the breastplate but he kept the shoulder plates on. He laid the breastplate on the ground and unstrapped his sword and sheath which laid on his back and placed it next to the breast plate. He kept his bow and quiver on his person, and checked that his knives were secure around his belt. With a deep sigh a lay on the open ground and promptly fell asleep.
Randy was walking back from his audience with the king. He had walked back to the barracks and was greeted by his girlfriend, Kim. Kim gestured for him to sit down and Randy sat, taking in the sight of her, her smooth brown hair that hung over her shoulders, to her teardrop eyes and kind smile. Randy told her heavily, “The king has asked for me to take part in the Race Quest.”
Kim replied, “The Race Quest?”
“It’s a competition held every year that each kingdom chooses to take part in, each kingdom chooses five people from their respective lands to take part in it. It’s basically a quest that’s given to everyone and the first person to finishes it wins fame and glory for their kingdom…trouble is that the quest is usually so dangerous that only one of the five selected usually survive, sometimes not at all…”, at this Randy trailed off.
Kim nodded and said softly, “I wish you good luck, but I came here for a different reason…”
Fear jolted Randy’s heart as he thought of what might come next thinking, “Surely she couldn’t, she wouldn’t, she…”
“I don’t think that we should see each other anymore…so I guess it was nice knowing you Randy but…goodbye.” With that Kim walked out of the door without a glance back. Randy reeled back on his bed, his world seeming to crash down around him. He had been in love with Kim since… since he met her at four years old in the castle courtyard. Blinking back tears, he reached the doors of the barracks and opened them hoping that Kim might come back, instead he saw her with another guy, holding his hand leaning on him and kissing him. With a shudder he slammed the door closed. He had been with her for over year and he never even got to hold her hand let alone kiss her. He lumbered back to his bed in a stupor. He slowly got his things ready for the quest tomorrow. When he finished he put the things under his bed and went to sleep.
He woke up the next morning with a jolt and realized, “I’m fucking late for the quest!” He quickly put on his armor, strapped his sword and shield to the back of back plate, put his quiver on the left side of his shoulder, strapped his various knives around his belt and held his bow in his left hand and ran out the door. He finally reached the King’s palace and just in time to see the other four getting a roar of encouragement from the crowd and just in time to see Kim kiss one of them. His heart feeling heavy he grabbed the only scroll left on the table and ran out of the door leaving Kim and his worries away.
With a crash Randy jumped to wakefulness grabbing his bow and quiver and rolled to the side. The forest was in an uproar, birds screaming into the air, and chipmunks and squirrels howling. As Randy observed the commotion in the dark forest and wondered, “It’s still night, what the hell is the problem?!?!” Suddenly something leaped into the clearing, something that was brown, large, howling and very smelly. The stink of carrion hung on its breath carried toward him. Inwardly he cursed, “I’m almost done with this damn quest, I survived bandits, rogue warriors, betrayal from people in my own kingdom and a GODDAMNED HEARTBREAK, ONLY TO FUCKING DIE TO A BEAR!” The bear seemed to have finally noticed him and stopped howling, instead it took up snarling. The bear’s ears were pinned back and froth hung from its jaws. Randy slowly reached for an arrow and carefully knocked it. As he drew the string back the bear charged. Without realizing what he was doing, Randy let loose the arrow and it struck the bear on the right side of its stomach. This enraged the bear further and with an even louder snarl it charged toward Randy even faster. Randy ran toward the nearest tree, took two steps on the truck and flipped backward landing behind the bear. Confusing the bear Randy ran for cover up a tree and hoped that the bear wouldn’t notice him.
All of a sudden he saw a figure running toward the bear, his bow knocked and ready to fly. With a cry Randy jumped off the tree and unsheathed two of his knives. Their blades curved and glinted evilly in the moonlight. The stranger loosed and arrow and caught the bear by surprise and grunted and started to turn toward the stranger when Randy gave a yell and ran toward the bear. Both knives were resting on the left side of his abdominal. As Randy past the right side of the bear he slashed the left side of the bear’s stomach open with the knives. The bear stopped gave a last enraged roar and collapsed dead. With a grunt of exhaustion Randy sat on the floor. The stranger walked toward Randy and said, “Thanks for your help back there, I was supposed to save you.” With that he started to take off his helmet.
Randy laughed out loud, “You mean you saved me, I doubt I would have survived if you hadn’t appeared out of nowhere, by the way my names Randy from Toin province, what’s yours?”
The stranger took off his helmet and replied, “My names Liedan from Xord province.” Randy looked at the stranger with disbelieving eyes. It wasn’t a man at all, it was a girl about his age. With straight dark black hair and clear sparkling eyes and blinding smile, she left Randy breathless.
Randy managed to flub out, “Wh-why are you here?”
Liedan replied, “I’m taking part in the Race Quest, what about you?”
Randy smiled and replied, “I’m taking part in it too.”
Liedan exclaimed, “Really?!?! I didn’t see you at the ceremony, where were you.”
Randy squeaked out, “I… uhhh… overslept…”
With a laugh Liedan said, “So that’s why I didn’t see you, I was wondering where the fifth warrior of Toin was.” With that she got up and started to make a fire. Randy got up turned around and wiped his blade on the grass to wipe off all the blood, satisfied he sheathed his knives and walked toward the campfire that Liedan had made. As they sat on opposite sides of the fire Liedan gave a huge yawn and managed to mutter out, “Tired," before she collapsed onto the forest floor. Randy got up and quickly ran to her side. As he propped up her head and attempted to slide his pack under her head he felt something dark and sticky on the backside of her head. He drew his hand back and saw that it was blood. Liedan had collapsed from blood loss. Randy quickly rifled through his pack and finally drew something out.
The next morning Liedan awoke to the image of Randy over her body. Liedan sat up and asked, “Why are you up so early?”
Randy didn’t answer her question and only replied, “Drink this,” he held up her water skin and dumped some kind of white powder in it. Liedan looked questioningly at Randy before shrugging and drank a sip of water. Randy shook his head and said, “Drink all of it.”
Liedan arched her eyebrow and drank deeply, taking all the water in one swig. With a sigh of relief Randy finally dropped onto his butt and closed his eyes. Liedan asked, “What was that all about?”
Randy managed to drone out, “Last night after you collapsed, I found out that you had a head wound. Was up –yawn- all….night…” With that Randy hit the dirt floor and started to snore. Liedan quickly felt the back of her head and felt a bandage the wrapped around her forehead and felt the dry blood encrusted on the tattered bandage. She got up and looked around the campsite and spotted Randy’s first aid kit, to her surprise it was nearly empty, the entire roll of bandages used, and almost everything in it was decimated, the powders that were in carefully marked jars were all gone the only thing left was a small knife. She wondered to himself, “What did he do to himself to use up all of his medicine.” With a huge yawn she sat down on the forest floor and laid back on closed her eyes.
“How could you cheat on me?!?!” Liedan screamed. “How could you make out with her, hug her, even look at her when you’ve never so much as held my hand?!?!”
Jace managed to choke out, “I’m sorry.” With a scream Liedan picked up Jace and literally kicked him out of her small cottage located inside the castle courtyard. She slammed the door and leaned with her back against the door. She slowly slid down, a tear tracing her cheek before she collapsed in tears. She cried herself to sleep that night and got up the next morning packed up her stuff and left for Toin to attend the ceremony for the participants of the Race Quest.
Randy woke up and stared at the patches of blue sky through the thick foliage made by the trees. As he made to get up he felt a weight on his stomach and saw that Liedan had made his stomach her pillow. As he slowly gazed at her he laid back down and thought to himself, “She’s beautiful…” With a start he felt something warm soak through his shirt and saw that Liedan was crying in her sleep. He saw the droplets that lingered in her eyelashes. Absentmindedly he stroked his hand through her hair, remembering the episode with Kim. He felt a tear slowly roll down his cheek at the betrayal of his ex. Before he knew it tears were rolling down in an unstoppable torrent as his whole body shook with his quiet sobs. As he lay there quietly sobbing he didn’t notice that Liedan had woken up and was watching up. Randy wasn’t aware of anything that was happening around him, he couldn’t see anything through the blur of tears in his eyes. He felt someone hold him tight and whispering, “It’s alright, don’t worry, I’m right here…” He hugged Liedan back and only cried harder, feeling the effects of the break up three months later. As Liedan sat there hugging Randy, her thoughts drifted back toward the incident with Jace and she started to cry too. As they both lay in each other’s arms they both became aware that they were crying in each other’s arms. As they both quieted down they both looked into each other’s eyes they both gave a true smile, a smile that neither of them had given since their respective break ups. Liedan quietly got up and started to clean up their camp and Randy quickly put away his first aid kit and strapped his breast plate and sword and shield onto his back. As they both stood up, both ready and geared up Randy nervously asked, “I know this is going to sound awkward but, uhhhh do you want to travel with me toward the base of White Mountain? It’s the final leg of our journey after all and uhh I was just wondering if you wanted to you know go with me…”with that Randy trailed off.
Liedan replied brightly, “I’d love to.” Both smiling they set off from their near death experience and their emotional breakdown. As they were leaving the forest Liedan asked, “What’d you do to yourself to use that much medicine in your first aid kit…?”
Randy said, “I had to use most of it on you, your head wound got infected, and you lost way too much blood. I thought, that I should use it on you, you know because you saved my life and all.” With that Randy gave a quick smile.
Liedan said, “R-r-really? You don’t even have any medicine left for yourself! You shouldn’t have done that!”
Randy said, “Too late, what’s done is done, and now you feel better so no harm done. As they rounded the bend they finally saw the base of White Mountain and the man awaiting his document. At the sight they both ran toward the finish line. As they ran toward the finish line, a circle of bandits surrounded them. Randy stopped and drew his sword and put away his bow and brought out his shield. Liedan quickly knocked her bow with three arrows. Back to back they faced the fifty bandits that surrounded them.
The leader uttered a single word, in truth he spat it out, “Attack!” The next fifteen minutes were a blur for both of them as Randy devastated the bandits with his swords while Liedan covered him. After they took out forty of them they both gasped from exhaustion as the cuts, bruises and slashes took their toll on both of them. The remaining ten stayed back, until simultaneously they charged, As Randy ran to meet them head on, he took out one of them with a slash at his throat while a second one slammed his shield hard enough that it buckled and was just a useless piece of scrap metal. As Randy threw it to one side a third bandit knocked Randy’s sword from his grip and Randy flew back another fifty feet. Liedan had taken out three bandits but there were six left. As they each grinned mischievously Liedan knocked her last arrow. Randy drew his two curved knives again. The curved blades glinted evilly in the sunlight as Randy charged. He ran toward them bobbing and weaving between their slow blades, slashing at them and stabbing them. He took out five of them until only the leader was left.
With a sadistic smile Randy spat out, “You’re fucked,” with unerring aim he drew back his arm and threw his knife and hit the leader dead center of his forehead. The leader hit the floor without a sound. Randy walked over and plucked his blade from the leader’s forehead. He wiped the blades on the grass and sheathed them. He managed to ask Liedan, “Are you alright?” Liedan nodded. Randy then collapsed onto the floor and lay there unmoving.
Liedan ran toward him dropping to her knees cradling his head in her arms. Repeatedly saying, “Don’t die, don’t die, don’t die…”
Randy groaned opened his eyes and said with a smile, “How could I die without seeing that lovely face…”
With a cry Liedan cried and said, “I never did say thank you for using your medicine on me.”
Randy muttered, “S’okay no need to…”
Liedan wiped the tears from her eyes and said, “Thank you.” She leaned down and kissed him full on the lips. Randy was surprised by this gesture but knew enough not to do anything and kissed back. When they finally stopped Liedan said, “Let’s finish this quest.” She helped Randy up and picked up his sword. She sheathed it for him and they both walked toward the finish, Randy’s arm on Liedan’s shoulder for support.
When they finally reached the finish they discovered that they were in second place. Randy saw that Kim was with her boyfriend, who had won. With a contemptuous look at both of them he turned his gaze back at Liedan and said, “We may not have won, but at least we have each other.” Liedan didn’t answer but instead just gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and the both headed inside the house.
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