I've read some things about reviews being "purchased", but I never really looked into it.
Well let's dive in, shall we?
This article is all you need to know about how this shit goes down.I'm on the eighth floor of a fancy hotel in Beverly Hills (in real life, not the game). The royal suite, I think it is called. It's huge. I'm in a long dark room, sitting in a cushioned white chair in front of a flat-screen TV that's running BioShock Infinite on a PS3.
Ding, ding, ding. Those red flags should be going off right now. This is not an atmosphere where an objective appraisal of art is going to occur. You put me in a luxury hotel for a night and I'd tell you that a piece of poop you placed on a pedestal was going to be the next game changer for video games. Like, holy shit, it seems like Stephen Totillo might've forgot to mention the prostitutes that 2k Games provided for them, but already this paints a worrying picture of how these games are presented to people.
There are a few people on the opposite side of this long room. Same deal. I think there are other rooms in this suite with people set up on 360s and PCs. There are PR folks and other minders. Folks from Irrational, the development studio… or from Take Two, the publisher, I guess (not sure, because I arrived late. Blame the traffic!).
And he's got handlers. Like a noble show pony, he must be gently led through the crowds. Shhhh, shhhh, Stephen Totillo, my noble steed. Let me gently pat your snout as I lead you along through this magical journey into the land of Bioshock. Do not buck or whinny, for I am here.
I was given a choice of which platform to play. Any console version would do, I said.
This is the person being doted over by powerful businesses, ladies and gentlemen. The guy playing an FPS on a PS3.
Oh, before I sat in my chair I had to remove an action figure from the seat. It was new and in its box. I think it was for the game.
Sometimes I have to wonder if these guys are legitimately unfazed by the swag, or if they just have to act like they do. Because first of all, I have a lot of free shit I got from going to cons, and it's all on my shelf, as a shrine to my perennial virginity. But I don't know how I'd handle getting swag if it was my job to rate the things the swag was attached to. I guess I wouldn't just move the free gift off of my seat and sit down, being all like 'oh is this a guy from the game?' It's a gift, you git. You proudly announce every other luxury that you were supplied with, but you can't allow yourself to get hype over a 12" poseable Elizabeth with judo-chop action? Or Arctic Assault Booker?
There are also snacks on this table and I'm told there will be two dinners. Two! The event goes late.
Yeah man, I always eat two dinners when I'm burning the midnight oil. The doctor says they might have to take my foot, but I'm still hobblin' out to get my Fourth Meal.
I've been eating potato chips while typing this. Chips from a bag that was in a bowl next to the TV. This means that I didn't have the bag in the bowl anymore. And apparently THAT means that the hotel staffer who asked me if I wanted a drink before (there's an open bar here, the better to preview this game, I guess) and to whom I said, "No thanks," came over to my personal snack bowl while I was typing this and put a fresh bag of chips in the bowl.
All morals are lost when the phrase 'open bar' is said. I'd drown a bag of kittens for you if you offered me a night of free booze and video games. I think the only way I'd rate a game more highly is if you put a gun to my head and told me to. Shit man, three free Jack and Cokes and I'll find a number higher than ten to rate your game.
The chip-bowl-filling hotel guy just said the buffet is now open, but I want to play more.
QUICK, GET HIM AWAY FROM THE GAME BEFORE HE REALIZES HOW BAD THE COMBAT IS. I REPEAT, STEPHEN TOTILLO HAS ALMOST GOT A GUN IN BOOKERS HAND, GET HIM OUT OF THERE!
Aw. Game froze.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL. WE ARE AT CODE ORANGE. GET HIM TO THE SECOND DINNER, STAT!
I used to be worried about BioShock Infinite. Delays and news of studio departures can have that effect. Not any more.
And there you have it. The death of criticism comes not with a bang, but with the crunch of a Cheeto.
Also, this all came on the tail end of Kotaku trying to justify themselves as real critics when that whole Doritogate thing was happening. So, haha.