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[The-Imp]

http://notalwaysright.com/

Stories from managers and employees from stores.

These are freaking hilarious!
 :D

[ஒழுக்கின்மை (Paul Eres)]

It's consumerism, which is more sad than hilarious.

Me: “Thank you for calling **** at Santana Row. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Your stores are having midnight releases for ‘World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King’, right?”

Me: “Yes, certain locations are going to be open, but our store–”

Customer: *interrupting* “It’s already midnight in the East coast - you can’t you sell them now?”

Me: “Uhh… unfortunately not.”

Customer: “BUT WHY?! IT’S MIDNIGHT IN THE EAST COAST!”

Me: “Well, it’s not midnight here, so, NO, we can’t sell it.”

Customer: “But people will be leveling up before me!! AGHHH! This is bulls***!”

Me: “Either way, our location isn’t going to be open for the midnight release. The closest location that will be open for the midnight release is 45 minutes away.”

Customer: “So if I go there, they should be selling them?!”

Me: “Probably not. They’re still on Pacific Standard Time.”

Customer: “What should I do then?! Everyone on the East coast will have a head start!”

Me: “Maybe you should move to the East Coast.”

Customer: “What time are you closing?”

Me: “10:00 pm.”

Customer: “I’m coming right now!”

Me: “Ok…?”

Think of all that effort and energy wasted on arguments and concerns like that. If even a fraction of that could be redirected toward more productive ends, we'd have cured all disease and ended poverty and war etc. long ago.

[The-Imp]

... Deep, I guess.

(I work at an incoming call center for a well known adult website. Most of our calls deal with technical problems or issues with logging-in to the sites. Most of them, anyway….)

Caller: “Good afternoon, sir. I’m having some issues here.”

Me: “That’s what we’re here for! What can I do to help?”

Caller: “Well, I’m sitting here looking at all these beautiful women and, well, I just can’t seem to get an erection.”

Me: “Sir…that is NOT something that I can help you with!

[Titch]

Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”

Me: “…Ma’am? Spartans?”

Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have spartans.”

Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”

Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”

Me: “You’re right ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”

Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”

Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”

Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”

Me: “Ok, ma’am, I think that would be best.”

Pure comedy GOLD.

[ஒழுக்கின்மை (Paul Eres)]

Well, of course wasting time making fun of these people isn't that much more of a productive use of time, either.

Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Yes sir?”

Customer: “I need a new root beer float; the ice cream in this one is melting.”

Me: “Well, I can get you a new one, but it’s a hot day so the same thing will eventually happen.”

Customer: “I asked for a root beer float! Not root beer soup!”

Me: “I can’t control the weather sir, but I’ll see what I can do.”

(I get him a new float, but by the time I get it out to him, it’s starting to melt.)

Customer: “This one’s melting too!”

Me: “It’s still hot out–but it will taste the same, I promise.”

Customer: “Promise me something else too.”

Me: “Okay?”

Customer: “Go to hell!”

Me: “It appears we’re both already there, sir. That’s why your ice cream is melting.”

[Cheater‽]

*clears throat*
Gentlemen. Gord.

[Cheater‽]

Customer: “I need to return this game. It’s too hard for my son.”

Employee: “Well, miss, according to your reciept, you bought this new. So, all you can do is get another copy of the same thing if it’s defective.”

Customer: “Who the h*** are you? I’ve never seen you before!”

Employee: “I’ve been here for close to a year…”

Customer: “I’ve been coming here for a long time, and I’ve never seen you!”

Employee: “Well, be that as it may, you cannot return the game. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “F*** you!”

Me: “Miss, I am the store manager here and what my associate is telling you is true; you cannot return the game and you need to leave. I will not tolerate you insulting my employees.”

Customer: “Make me leave, see what happens!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just call security. Will that do it for you?”

Customer: “Call security, I’ll call the cops!”

Me: “Be my guest… that’d be awesome.”

Customer: “I’m the store manager of [store] across the street and I’d never treat a customer this way!”

Me: “Would you break return policy just because someone is yelling?”

Customer: *leaves in a huff*

Me, to employee: “What game was it, anyway?”

Employee: “… Nintendogs.”

I mean, seriously? How hard could Nintendogs be?

[The-Imp]

Customer: “I demand my money back for our movie!”

Me: “Okay, no problem. Because it’s been within the first 30 minutes I can refund you the full price. What movie was it that you went to see?”

Customer: “Sin City!”

Me: *begins to refund the two tickets*

Customer: “You know, this is ridiculous. You should have told me that this movie was inappropriate for my child. There’s not even a notice anywhere telling me this!”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “How on earth was I supposed to know that this movie is inappropriate? You really should have told me!”

Me: “Are you serious? The movie is rated 18A, the poster right in front of you has a half naked lady dancing, AND it’s called SIN City! Did you expect it to be about bunnies and rainbows?”

Customer: *grabs her money and storms off with her son*

Me: “Hello, *** Computers. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my computer has a ton of viruses. I was told I need a complete wipe. Can you guys do that?”

Me: “Yes we can sir. Can I just ask why you think your computer needs a full wipe?”

Customer: “Yeah, well my son was looking at porn a few days ago, and now it won’t work at all. That’s why I’d like my computer wiped.”

Me: “Alright, then sir. You can bring in your computer anytime today. I just want to ask if there’s any files you want us to save before you do.”

Customer: “Yeah, can you save my porn?”

Me: “I’m… sorry?”

Customer: “Can you save my porn?”

Me: “Yes sir, we can definitely save all your… files. We just aren’t able to move any programs over unless you have the CD.”

Customer: “No, I have all the CD’s. I’ll do it all myself. I just want to know if you can save my porn.”

Me: “Yes sir, we can save all your files. Word documents, JPEGs–”

Customer: “–and my porn.”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Great. I’ll bring it in this afternoon.” *click*

(Fortunately, he never came in.)

[genericuser]

*clears throat*
Gentlemen. Gord.

Heh, funny.

The Vengeance chapter isn't that good IMO; he seems pretty self-righteous in some of the cases. Annoyances and Chronicles have some gems, though.

Customer: “I need to return this game. It’s too hard for my son.”

Employee: “Well, miss, according to your reciept, you bought this new. So, all you can do is get another copy of the same thing if it’s defective.”

Customer: “Who the h*** are you? I’ve never seen you before!”

Employee: “I’ve been here for close to a year…”

Customer: “I’ve been coming here for a long time, and I’ve never seen you!”

Employee: “Well, be that as it may, you cannot return the game. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “F*** you!”

Me: “Miss, I am the store manager here and what my associate is telling you is true; you cannot return the game and you need to leave. I will not tolerate you insulting my employees.”

Customer: “Make me leave, see what happens!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just call security. Will that do it for you?”

Customer: “Call security, I’ll call the cops!”

Me: “Be my guest… that’d be awesome.”

Customer: “I’m the store manager of [store] across the street and I’d never treat a customer this way!”

Me: “Would you break return policy just because someone is yelling?”

Customer: *leaves in a huff*

Me, to employee: “What game was it, anyway?”

Employee: “… Nintendogs.”

I mean, seriously? How hard could Nintendogs be?

The interface could've been the problem, or that his son didn't get the point of the game. Still funny though.

[Cymon]

Customer: “I need to return this game. It’s too hard for my son.”

Employee: “Well, miss, according to your reciept, you bought this new. So, all you can do is get another copy of the same thing if it’s defective.”

Customer: “Who the h*** are you? I’ve never seen you before!”

Employee: “I’ve been here for close to a year…”

Customer: “I’ve been coming here for a long time, and I’ve never seen you!”

Employee: “Well, be that as it may, you cannot return the game. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “F*** you!”

Me: “Miss, I am the store manager here and what my associate is telling you is true; you cannot return the game and you need to leave. I will not tolerate you insulting my employees.”

Customer: “Make me leave, see what happens!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just call security. Will that do it for you?”

Customer: “Call security, I’ll call the cops!”

Me: “Be my guest… that’d be awesome.”

Customer: “I’m the store manager of [store] across the street and I’d never treat a customer this way!”

Me: “Would you break return policy just because someone is yelling?”

Customer: *leaves in a huff*

Me, to employee: “What game was it, anyway?”

Employee: “… Nintendogs.”

I mean, seriously? How hard could Nintendogs be?

The interface could've been the problem, or that his son didn't get the point of the game. Still funny though.

or she thought that "It's too hard" is a legitimate reason to return a game.

What's she complaining about. Doesn't she know she can take it to gamestop?

[Cheater‽]

or she thought that "It's too hard" is a legitimate reason to return a game.

It seems she does, and that it was too hard. I mean, if I'm making up excuses, I certainly would get something more reasonable. Also, more of the best:

Me: “Good evening sir, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I want a good movie.”

Me: “Of course. I recommend Pan’s Labyrinth… it was excellent.”

Coworker: “You are aware that this movie has subtitles.”

Customer: “What the s*** is that?”

Coworker: “The words at the bottom you have to read. It’s in Spanish.”

Customer: “What the f*** is that? We’re in America, we don’t speak Spanish! I want it in American!”

(He storms off and promptly returns with Apocalypto.)

Me: “Sir, you do know this movie has subtitles, too?”

Customer: “What the f***? What is this country coming to? When did we become another country?! I want a g**d*** American movie! Where are the American movies?”

Me: “The store is full of movies made in America.”

(He walks back up about 10 minutes later with Letters From Iwo Jima in his hand.)

Customer: “This is the movie by Clint Eastwood, right?”

Coworker: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “And it’s really good, too.”

Customer: “Clint Eastwood is a real American. He knows what I like!”

(I give a look to my coworker who doesn’t say anything this time, and we rent him the movie. Too bad Letters From Iwo Jima is all in Japanese with English subtitles.)

(A few years ago I was working at a video store when there were still late fees, and this exchange occurred after I scanned a couple’s rentals:)

Me: “Okay, sir, with the late fee from your last rental, your total is $9.50.”

Husband: “What do you mean a late fee? I ALWAYS return my movies on time, so you need to remove that late fee right now!”

Me: “Well sir, you returned–”

Husband: “I said I ALWAYS return my movies on time and you need to remove that late fee right now! I’m not paying this!”

Me: “Then you won’t be renting these movies tonight. All late fees must be paid before renting again.”

Husband: “I’m NOT paying this, so you better take it off now!”

Wife: “What movie is this late fee for anyway? We ALWAYS return our movies on time!”

Me: “This is for Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts. You rented it on the 6th and it was due on the 11th, but you didn’t return it until the 15th. ”

Husband: “Oh yeah, that’s right, we never got around to watching it. I’ll pay for it.”

Wife: “We never rented Runaway Bride and I was out of town on the 6th.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s showing that Jennifer rented the title.”

Wife: “Who is Jennifer?” *pauses and her face becomes red* “Oh, that b***h!”

(The wife proceeds to slap her husband, takes the keys and drives away, leaving her husband in the store.)

Husband: “Well, I guess I deserved that, huh?”

Me: “Sir, you put your mistress on your account?”

Husband: “Yeah, she likes movies…”

Me: “You are aware that she could have opened her own account for free, right?”

Husband: “Oh s***, really?”

Also, try to find the one about the guy that wanted a photo for a dating service. It's heartwarming  .

[cyber95]

(It’s Halloween, and I’m dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.)

Me: “Did you find everything you needed tonight?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on.”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am.”

Customer: “But don’t you think you took it a little too far?”

Me: “Uh… took what too far?”

Customer: “Well I understand that you’re supposed to be some type of vampire, but don’t you think that necklace is taking it too far?”

Me: “Oh, that. That’s not part of my costume, I always wear that.”

Customer: *loudly* “Well if you want to risk burning in H*** for wearing that devil worshiping symbol, that’s just fine with me… but they shouldn’t be letting you wear that here in a public place!”

Me: *sarcastically* “Well, why shouldn’t they let me wear it? After all, we all practice together and I’m the high priestess. In fact as soon as you leave, we’re gonna close up the store, start a bonfire in the parking lot, and then dance naked around it until dawn.”

Customer, to one of my managers: “Aren’t you going to do anything about what she said to me?”

Manager #1: “Yes, ma’am. As soon as you leave, we’re going to close the store.”

Customer: “THAT’S IT?!”

Manager #2: “Of course not, ma’am. You heard the rest of our… plans.”

(And with the kind of timing that only happens once in a lifetime, a stock boy unwittingly walks out of the back room while taking his uniform shirt off at the same time. The customer practically runs out of the store.)

Laughed for a good full minute after this one.  :D

[battlerager]

Also, try to find the one about the guy that wanted a photo for a dating service. It's heartwarming  .

There it is.

Customer: “I have a big problem. You cut off my head!”

Me: “I’m sorry? How did I cut off your head?”

(The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.)

Me: “Sir, it looks like it was taken that way.”

Customer: “No it wasn’t! My whole head was there when I took it. I’m sure!”

Me: “Okay, let me see your memory card…”

(The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.)

Me: “Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn’t in it.”

Customer: “But it’s DIGITAL, can’t you fix it?”

Me: “You can’t create something from nothing.”

Customer: “But… but… but… I need a photo for a dating website!”

Me: “Give me the camera and go stand over there.”

Customer: *excited* “Hot d***! You can be my best man!”

Me: “A thank you card will be enough.”

(Skip ahead 9 months…)

Female customer: “Is your name ***?”

Me: “Yes, can I help you?”

Female customer: “My husband wanted you to have this.” *hands me an envelope*

(I open the envelope, and sure enough there’s a thank you card with a picture of him and his wife. He actually got married and sent her in with the card!)

[team_q]

The sense of entitlement that some people get is ridiculous, coupled with corporate bending over backwards to facilitate them, causes people to be jerks to the only people in the company that don't have any power to change anything.

I like this one though:

Santa: “Here you go, little boy!”

Kid: “Thank you, Santa!”

Mom: “Aren’t you forgetting anything?”

Kid: “What, mommy?”

Mom: “Ask Santa for another bag for your brother like I told you.” *looks at Santa* “He’s sick at home and couldn’t come.”

Santa: “No problem!” *reaches for another bag*

Kid: “But mommy, I don’t have a brother!”

Mom: “…”

Santa: *puts bag back*

(Everyone in line bursts out laughing.)

[sergiocornaga]

(A mother and her teenage son come through my line…)

Me: “Hello, did you find everything you need?”

Mother: “Yes, we did.”

(I notice she is buying party items, including cups, soda, pizzas, napkins… and condoms.)

Me: “Oh, are you having a party soon?”

Mother: *nods* “My little James is growing up. He’s going to have an orgy with all his little friends, aren’t you Captain Muffinpants?”

Me: *suppresses laughter* “Will that be all?”

Son: “YES! YES THAT WILL BE ALL!” *runs to car*

[PaleFox]

Customer: “Hi, I’m here to pick up my pictures.”

(I grab the customer’s pictures and she proceeds to look through them. She then hands one of the pictures to me.)

Customer: “Can you print this the other way?”

Me: “The other way?”

Customer: “Yes, flip it around.”

Me: “Okay…”

(Confused, I go into the lab, insert the film negative into the machine upside down and print a mirrored image for the customer.)

Me: ”Here you go!”

Customer: ”No, no, no. Flip it around!”

Me: “I did. See, it’s mirrored.”

Customer: ”No, no, no. My husband took the picture. Can you flip it around and print him?”

Me: ”…”

[agj]

Some of these are really beautiful stuff.

[Laremere]

Customer: “Hi, can I have some of those allergy medications that are behind the counter? The 24 hour kind.”

Me: “Sure thing…” 

(I grab one, because law mandates that the computers only allow me to check out one 24 hour medication for a certain period of time).

Customer: “Oh, I wanted four. Can I have four, please?”

Me: “Sorry, I can only give you one. There’s a law that makes me check your ID on the computer. It won’t let me check out more than one for you, at least not in the 24 hour dose.”

Customer: “Well, can you at least try? If you’d TRY once in a while, you never know what you can do!”

Me: “Alright then…”

(I scan one and sure enough, the second won’t go through.) 

Me: “Yup, it won’t let me check out the second one. Your total’s gonna be about 20 bucks.”

Customer: “Okay, now try the third one.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “If the second one didn’t work, maybe the third one will.”

Me: “Ma’am, all four of these are exactly the same. If the second one didn’t work, what makes you think if I rang up another box of the exact same thing would work?”

Customer: “JUST DO IT!”

Me: “Okay… yeah… it’s not working.”

Customer: “Okay, now try the fourth one.”

(Suffice it to say it doesn’t work; after she buys her one box, she comes back about fifteen minutes later.)

Customer: “You little S***! HOW DARE YOU SELL ME THIS EXPIRED MEDICATION!”

Me: “Err… what? I can guarantee you it’s not. I checked it before I gave it to you.”

Customer: “Oh yeah? Then what’s this? It says FEB 10!”

Me: “Yes… February… of 2010. Not February 10th.”

Customer: “Uh… well, I’m older than you and I probably make way more than you anyway, so I’m right. I’m 42 and I make $** an hour!”

Me: “I’ll agree with you, you’re much older than I am. I’m only 26. But ma’am, you are talking to a pharmacist. I make twice that. Oh wait… I’m in overtime now… three times that. Actually, in the time it took me to help you, I just made one hour’s worth of your wage. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Me: “Thank you for calling ******, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I am in the back office and someone told me that we were supposed to be able to use wireless keyboards, so I cut the cable.”

Me: “You… cut the cable?”

Customer: “Yes, and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “You cut the cable on your keyboard, and now it doesn’t work?”

Customer: “Yes”

Me: “You’re going to have to buy a new keyboard.”

Customer: “Why? I was told we could use wireless keyboards.”

Me: “That is not a wireless keyboard.”

Customer: “Yes it is.”

Me: “Just because you cut the cord does not make it wireless.”

Customer: “Can’t you just make it work?”

Me: “Does your phone have a cable?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “If you cut it, do you think your phone will work?”

Customer: *line disconnects after 20 seconds of silence*

[Capten]

Just what is wrong with these people? 

[jute]

This one is the AMERICAN DREAM:

(I’m working in an electronics retail store, and see a man in his late 40’s with a kid no older then 10.)

Me: “Welcome sir, did you get…”

(I look in his cart and see that it’s mostly filled with identical Spongebob DVDs.)

Me: “… everything?”

Man: “I guess so.”

Boy: “MORE SPONGEBOB! SPONGEBOB! SPONGEBOB!”

Man: “Alright, let’s go get some more.”

(About 5 minutes later he comes back, with more Spongebob DVDs… the same ones, to be exact.)

Man: “Alright, I think this is enough.”

(I ring him up, and the total comes to about $550.00 USD.)

Me: *whispering* “Uhh, sir… these are mostly the same thing.”

Man: “Oh, don’t worry about it. I hate my life anyway.”