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[ness io kain]

Feeling rushed isn't necessarily a bad thing. If you're trying finish fixing an airplane and are about to be overcome by velociraptors, you should probably feel rushed. After all, it would be best to get out of the situation as soon as possible.
In some cases, though, it is bad. If the airplane won't be needed for another several days, and there are no velociraptors anywhere near you, it would probably be best to take time and make sure everything works the way it should.

Now, let's move on to reality, and you can help me evaluate things and figure out how I should feel and where I should go from here.


I'm nineteen. That's pretty young. I have a lot of life ahead of me.
I have been making games since... I don't even remember when. It started with board and card games when I was a smaller child. Games are games, so that definitely counts.
I got started with things on the computer at a moderately early age, though. The first tool I used for computer game development was Microsoft PowerPoint (yes, PowerPoint). Things didn't really take off, of course, until I found things that were actually supposed to make games (first OHRRPGCE, then Game Maker). I also spent quite a bit of time modding existing games (mostly CivIII). Things got bigger. Soon I was definitively creating my own games... with my own graphics and my own music. I kept at that for several years, growing and getting more skilled. I finally got to the point where I considered myself to be solidly competent at visual art, audio, programming (albeit limited to GML, and on a pretty meager level), and general design.
What do I have to show for it?
This is all.

Nothing on that page is embarrassing to me. All of those projects were successes in their own ways... But they were also all failures. I think every project should be some kind of failure, otherwise I'm not learning anything from it... But at the same time, the deficiency in positive feedback (and feedback at all in most cases) has led me to believe that they are much more significant failures than I had originally hoped they would be.


Now, I really don't want to sound proud when I say this, because I certainly have a very long way to go. I have many things to learn and a lot of space for skill improvement. However...
I really feel that I am able to produce good work. I think I can stand "on the same level" (everybody is so different that this is a really silly phrase, but I hope you get my meaning) as many of the people here...
But I have never finished anything really worthwhile. Everything either dies in production or comes short in some way when it is finished.

I am motivated to make great things. I don't know if I'll ever be able to make real money doing this, but I know that I want to spend a substantial part of my life making games, even if that's not my primary source of income.
I feel like I'm running out of time.
In the fall I'll be starting what may be my last year of college. I'll be graduating with an obscure two year degree that is almost completely useless. I don't want to keep going, because there's nothing I want to learn. I just want to make games. (Well, I also want to write fiction, but that's a totally different subject...)


I visited the Intuition guys (Mike, Greg, and Josh) several months ago, and they advised me to keep doing what I'm doing and not worry that I hadn't done anything real yet. I really appreciated their encouragement... I probably didn't express many thanks, because I was sort of stuck in the shock of "This is real life now." (Up until then, I don't think I had interacted with any other serious game developers.) It really did mean a lot to me, but... I began to question it pretty quickly.
Where am I going right now? Why haven't I made anything good?

I have been intrigued by the examples of some people lately... One of them is Phil Fish, since he has been working so hard and for so long on and hasn't had many results he can show people yet. Clearly, you don't have to constantly put out new content to be "a real game developer". Another is Aaron Bishop (who you are much less likely to be familiar with). After he made his first game (Egoboo), he gave up. It had been too much work, and he didn't want to do anything like that again... And yet he did. He worked hard for a long period of time and put out a second game (SoulFu). He tried to sell it, but he was disappointed with his results, and he released the whole thing for free. After that, nobody really heard from him again. I feel that he must have gotten so depressed by his apparent failure that he is truly finished with making games now.
The thing is, though... it wasn't a failure at all. It is an amazing game (both of his works are, actually). Even if not many people saw it... that doesn't diminish its greatness.
The problem, though, is that Phil has been brought down in several different ways by more than a few people, and Aaron never really got much attention at all.
I don't want to be loved. I'm not out to be a star or a hero. I want to improve people's lives a small bit... But I want to do that for as many people as possible. Negative responses mean I'm not being effective, and a lack of responses means I'm not reaching enough.

As I said, I'm young.
But I'm still losing time.
Why are there so many others who released incredible things at an even earlier age than where I am now?
There are no velociraptors... But there is a crowd of other people already taking off in their beautiful, totally functioning airplanes.

[baconman]

If it helps any, I know the feeling. I've been gamedev'ing since I was 14, and I'm 29 now. I've yet to cross any kind of professional barrier either. In fact, what I've learned of the profession, as a set of organizations, is that much of it is pretty cutthroat, and surrender of IP is expected upon entry. Thus, I dropped it to more of a hobbyist level, but creating and sharing the joyous experiences that gaming brings about is something that drives me perpetually, as well.

Struggling at 19 isn't much of a shock, either. That's about when it becomes apparent that there's a total difference between the school-taught ideology of how life should be, and the (somewhat disappointing?) reality of what it is, and the way it really does work. I mean this, not JUST in a real-world sense, but in a sense of the professional gaming community, as well.

One lesson at 19 I would've kicked myself in the teeth over: You don't have to "be the best there is." You just have to "do the best that you do." If that makes any sense. And if you're getting negative feedback - it means you're getting feedback. They're real thoughts and feelings that are worth considering, even if you don't agree with them. And for everything that's good and well, you're gonna have haters.

It's kinda like the "MegaMan Legends" issue - it's a great game, but it's a terrible "MegaMan game."


Though somewhat of a mixed one, this place has been a tremendous blessing, both as a developer and as a gamer. I will admit to a bit of envy at just how easily/quickly a lot of these talented people can crack out projects here, and how much better at art/pixart they are than me. And playtesting dozens (not exaggerating here) of these titles creations is a little side-tracky, but totally worth it, especially as you see them blossom into solidarity and enjoyability. You know your turn is coming, too; and sometimes you hear just how long a good, polished-product takes to make - generally 2 years or so seems pretty normal; but there's titles that undergo 5 YEARS of on-again-off-again development.

Having 5 fully-developed titles by twenty by itself is really something to be proud of.

[Eiffer]

Don't feel rushed or like your getting too old. I'm almost 30 and just learning to program and make games. If you love it, stick with it.

I saw a great talk by the Metanet guys (N, N+) last year a GamerCamp. They suggested treating Indie Development as you would starting a rock band. Get a job that pays your bills and still leaves you with enough free time to work on games, or better yet, get a job where you are a a computer, unsupervised for long periods of time. Just keep plugging away until you make something you feel good enough about to try to sell (if commercial releases are your goal) then put it out there. If it makes enough money to allow you to quit your job, do so, otherwise keep plugging away.

Of course if you aren't interested in selling games, just get some job that pays the bills and keep making games in your spare time for the love of it. I have one friend who's in his late 40's. He cooks at a pub and plays with his band when he's off work. Every now and then he takes a few weeks off and he and his band tour. They never expect to hit it big, but they love playing together, so that's what they do.

It's such an old man thing to say, but 19 isn't too old. You have tons of time left.

[Zecks]

I know how you feel too, I'm only 16 and I'm constantly trying to rush learning stuff already (well mainly programming really). 

Just gotta hang in there I guess.

[AndrewFM]

Why are there so many others who released incredible things at an even earlier age than where I am now?

The media and the internet make the world seem like a really small place; there's over 6 billion people in the world. Super talented people may be few and far in between, but with that kind of population, they still add up to a pretty large group of people. And when they do something cool, the media is there to cover the story, so everyone hears about it.

Just because you didn't graduate from MIT and release a best selling game before hitting puberty doesn't make you a failure.

And really, don't feel rushed; you have plenty of time, and you should feel lucky you had the honor of starting out so young. If you rush, you miss the big picture. It's when you're calm and collected that you manage to come up with some pretty amesome ideas.

[Jayenkai]

Life : I'm 30, I have a crap shop-based job, and I make no money from my game making..
Heart : In the morning, I'm uploading my 200th game to my archive.  I'm super hyped, and I feel fantastic about it.

Parents, friends, family :  
Me : 

...

It's great, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone!
Good luck!

[G-Factor]

19 is definitely not too young. I was in a similar situation. I was 22, finished my last year of college then decided I didn't want a career in what I was trained for. While all my friends were looking for grad work I enrolled in a gaming degree interstate (first time on my own). It was pretty overwhelming at first but in hindsight everything turned out absolutely great.

I will say one thing though and don't take it to heart. Your post was a bit 'whiney'. Success comes from experience and experience is a result of hard work, there's no substitute for it. If you keep doing what you love and learn from your mistakes the odds will be in your favour. One last piece of advice, don't ask 'WHY?' unless you plan to aggressively answer it. 'WHY did this code not work? I will solve it' is great, but if you ask 'WHY' in the sense of 'WHY does this happen to me', you're doing yourself no favours. You'll find that people that don't get anywhere in life always ask this, blaming some other force for their failures than accepting their own shortcomings. I'm not saying this is you, but your post was clearly one of frustration. Just don't perpetuate it because we all know where anger leads 

[radioact1ve]

G-Factor, thanks for the motivation! 

[G-Factor]

Glad to be of service 

[JaJitsu]

Hey man I'm 19 too [well, in a couple months] and I definitely know what you're taking about.

But I think you really shouldn't worry. We are young, really young actually for what we are doing [no offense older people] so we have plenty of time to practice and improve.

Right now I work at Costco. Not a career at all but it gets me an income. So if money is really a problem just get a small job. I can still do what I love, but also feed myself.
The situation works for me, maybe it will help you out.

I also disagree with your point on education. There is ALWAYS something to learn. I know exactly how you feel that the stuff you learn doesn't help you with game development. In high school all the classes seemed useless to me. So that's why I'm at an art school now. Sure I don't specifically learn about game development, but there is definitely art in games. So maybe you just need to study something that will really benefit you.

But yeah. Just chill man, and always improve.

[DanFornace]

Yes, you should feel rushed, because if you're not amazing at this by now then you probably won't become the best ever at it by the time you're 30.

And if you're not the absolute best at doing something by the time you're 30, then why even bother doing it?


No one remembers second-best.


-Dan

[ness io kain]

Thank you for your wonderfully sarcastic advice.
I always love how sarcasm is so motivating; it really makes me feel better about myself.


(Many thanks to those of you who are actually being encouraging, by the way. Also, to those of you who pointed out my apparent "whininess" et cetera: I do apologize; I wasn't trying to come off so negatively.)

[bateleur]

Where novel writing is concerned, many authors aren't published at all until their 40s or even later. What matters is not whether you're hitting the big time, but whether you're enjoying the process.

If twenty years from now you release some incredibly awesome game that wins hundreds of thousands of fans and critical acclaim you're not going to look back and say "Why didn't I do this when I was 19?". You're going to look back and realise that every design you ever made was part of the learning process that got you there.

[dangerousday]

Random, probably redundant thoughts:

The best advice I can give is that nobody cares about you. Er, maybe wording it like that is a little harsh - It's more like, the important thing is your work, not who you are or what your age is.

Age seems to be a big deal for you. You're just out of high school and in the middle of college, where everybody is ranked and segregated by age. And for someone as self-conscious as your post suggests you are, it can be really, really hard to get out of that gotta-catch-up mentality. I know, because I had a hard time getting over it myself! It's just a number. Really. Honest.

But the thing is, self-consciousness can come across as self-absorption and insecurity. Especially if you post about it in a public forum. Just do what you enjoy doing, create something you can show off, and try not to worry about what people think of you as a person. You'll worry enough about what people think of your work.

That said, here are my stats, since folks seem to be in a sharing mood: 22 years young, working in retail hell until I get into grad school, got back into game programming earlier this year (I used to be into it as a teenager).

[supershigi]

If I were you, I would embrace the fact that you're 19 years old... you're really young and in all honesty, you have plenty of time.  There are people who are in their 30s who are still trying to figure out their careers.  There are people who go their whole lives without ever being able to attain or in some cases even determine their passion, so they end up working jobs that they dislike in order to make a living.  The fact that you're only 19 and have already decided what you want to do with your life, well... that's wonderful!  Trust me, by the time you finish college and get into the job market, you'll feel young again because you'll be surrounded by folks who are in their 30s and above. 

But you can always use that feeling of urgency to your advantage... learn as much as you can, be a prolific game designer, try to attend events like GDC (go as a volunteer and you don't have to pay the entrance fee), etc.  I know sometimes it can feel like the world is passing you by and that you're running out of time... but in the greater scope of things I think you'll be just fine.  Your post reminded me so much of how I felt when I was around your age... I actually wrote a song about it, haha.  It's called "Faster" and it's about being afraid to run out of time before actually accomplishing something meaningful in life.  Anyways, it's here if you'd like to listen to it.

Well, good luck with everything -- I'm sure it will work out just fine ^_^

[Alec S.]

Man, I'm in pretty much the same boat, down to being 19 and hanging out with the guys from Intuition games.  And also I'll be out of college pretty soon as I started college early, which means I'm going to be out of the sanctuary of college at a younger age. 

I agree that getting no or little feedback is tough and can be worse than getting no feedback.  I've had one game out of all the one's I've made get moderate success, and I'm pretty sure (I haven't don't the actual math) that it's gotten more downloads than all my other games combined (most are in the double digits), and I hate the feeling when those games I've been working on just fade away, and worry that my one moderate success will remain my only successful game.  I guess what I'm trying to say is you're not the only one, if that's any help. 

The only advice I can give you is the advice I keep giving myself.  Keep on going.  This is what I want to do, and it sounds like what you want to do.  I keep going by attempting to make a game twice as good as my previous game each time.  The one I'm currently working on I'm planning to sell, partially because of the amount of work I've put into it, and partially just to see if I can.

So, yeah, just keep going, and hopefully one day we'll both be successful indie game designers and can high-five at GDC or something. 

[JJames19119]

I'm only 21 at this moment, ready to turn 22 in the next coming half a year, I've had a computer only since I was 16. My family has always been a vastly poor one, and even as I graduated I had nothing to really use it for, as the job selection where I live is beyond pathetic and I may as well be combing the streets for dropped pennies. Still though, I've been trying very hard to actually get something done and show something for it, and maybe get better, become noticed and eventually be hired by someone who could recognize my talents.

Five years later, I'm only just starting to inch past the starting line. Feeling rushed can be a bad thing, but sometimes it might be all that motivates you to keep going.

I've been much more concerned with friends and family and my own personal life and mental health before actually getting anywhere in deving, trying to spend as much time as I can making others happy instead of myself, and keeping myself well insured. Without that all important feeling of rushing yourself, you might have opportunities pass by you; if I had actually focused more on my work five years ago, I could be much more adept at C++, I could have made many more examples and demos and been well on my way towards making what I felt would be presentable. But I didn't, I have nothing to really show for my current experience, and I'm still a beginner at C++. I know nothing of what it's like to be a programmer in reality when I very well could have if I had just focused.

I've had so many things in life pass me by, I've missed so many times where I could've presented something ground breaking, only for someone to do me one better before I even get the chance to show my work, because I never worked on it. You know, it's as they say, time waits for no one. Even right now, I'm trying very hard to make something of myself, and I only have a couple years before I lose the attention of someone very dear to me if I can't show that I'm the least bit competent. You may have your whole life ahead of you, but everyone else's lives won't wait, everyone's lives move at the same speed and if you're not making the most of your time while others are, they will get ahead of you and you might miss out.

Although, I guess basically the moral here is that, while you don't have to feel rushed, don't feel lazy either rofl

[ionside]

I'd say go with the flow, you can't force yourself at that age otherwise you'll just not enjoy it and you may hate the project long before it's completed.

When I was 19 (I'm 35 now), I was getting pretty drunk most of the time and partying like it was 1999 along side Prince (formally known as). When I look back to those times, I feel like slapping myself only imagining where I would be right now if I pushed myself a little more.

But, they were still great times and I feel I've gotten all that partying out of my system by the time I was 30.

So I guess where I'm trying to go is work out what your goals are; whether it be successful by the time you're 25, or party it up while you're young and the girls are still nimble.

[cliffski]

I didn't make any real money from indie games until I was 30. I didn't make enough money to go full time until I was 35. I didn't make any real 'fuck you' money till I was 40.
I wasted loads of years trying to be a rock star. It really doesn't matter how old you are if you are just someone behind a keyboard.
Don't worry about it.

[RCIX]

It really doesn't matter how old you are if you are just someone behind a keyboard.

Sigged!

And on topic: Don't feel rushed. I've completed a grand whopping total of 2 games (1 released to the public, one not; both clone-ishes of arcade games), and failed at another (i think, i still got the code laying around; i may take another shot someday). It's important that you make deadlines (reasonable ones!) and stick to them though.