next »

[Dragonmaw]

This here is a game we started playing in TIGIRC that people enjoyed so much that we decided to share it in here!  Basically, show off your clever wits by taking a short, snappy quote and ruining it by making it long and overdrawn.  Some examples (from IRC!):

"Nuke the site from orbit.  It's the only way to be sure.  Sure they're all DEAD.  Dead 'cause we nuked them.  In their site.  From orbit."

"I'm King of the World!  Well, actually, not.  But if I make you THINK I am, then maybe we'll have sex in the back of an old-timey car that's on this entire level of the ship that's just for rich people's cars."

"This is Sparta, and I am her king!  King Leonidas is my name!  Not that it matters, as you will be dead as soon as I kick you down this well."

"Show me the money, or at least some money. I'd honestly be fine if you just showed me five dollar. Please"

So, game on!  No real rules for who wins, just a sort of casual wits thing.

[jstckr]

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning. Actually, I'd love the smell of anything in the morning, but because I did a lot of coke some years ago, my smelling sense is almost gone. Only napalm is a strong enough odor, I can still smell that. But flowers? Nope. Plus, flowers don't smell like victory. So yeah, napalm, I love its smell, especially in the early morning hours."


"I'm Tony Montana. You fuck with me, you fuckin' with the best! I'm honestly really good at fucking! I've made first place in a fucking contest when I was in Las Vegas. I've even got a nice certificate! If you could wait a moment, I'll find it for you. One sec.. must be here somewhere..."

[jjs]

Here are mine from IRC so far:

I'm King of the World!  Well, actually, not.  But if I make you THINK I am, then maybe we'll have sex in the back of an old-timey car that's on this entire level of the ship that's just for rich people's cars.

Nuke the site from orbit.  It's the only way to be sure.  Sure they're all DEAD.  Dead 'cause we nuked them.  In their site.  From orbit.

Go ahead, make my day.  Because, honestly, my day has been pretty rough so far, and I would appreciate it if someone would cheer me up, just a bit, you know?

You had me at hello.  Which, if I'm not mistaken, is the first word you uttered. So why the long monologue?  It's not like we're just sitting around waiting for you to start talking unnecessarily when the first thing you said would suffice.  How would you like it if _I_ started doing that?  You know, hypothetically, that is.

Simba, someday, everything the light touches will be yours.   And maybe some of the shady spots that are not very light, nor very dark.  Also, you're secretly Hamlet.

I do not think that means what you think it means.  In fact, I took the liberty of consulting the dictionary, and "inconceivable" actually means that which can NOT be conceived, which is contrary to your apparent usage of that word.

(got to imagine it being said in an Inigo Montoya voice)

Hallo, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.  Because I'm gonna stab you, with my pointy pointy sword.  The stabbing of you by me will be done in your most tender and vulnerable bits, and this will prevent the continued enjoyment of your life by you.  Which is why I exhort you to make whatever final preparations are necessary before I stab you in the stabbables.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!  Because I won't let you!

Edit: moar:

Hasta la vista, baby.  That's how we say goodbye in Austria.  We used to say auf wiedersehen, but then "The Sound of Music" came out and made it a total cliche.  So now we say something else that I am quite certain will never become a cheesy catch-phrase...

We didn't get the kind of hero we wanted, we got the goddamn Batman!

[shinygerbil]

Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, but not like that
You sick bastard. What kind of man do you think I am? Actually,
Shakespeare was reputedly that kind of man and he
Liked to write lots of hidden hints and stuff so maybe I
Did know him like that. But it's none of your business.
So keep your nose out of it. It's enough for
You to know that I knew him. Also it's disrespectful
To the dead to talk about him like this probably.

I'LL BE BACK. Traffic and weather conditions permitting. You might wanna let me know when you're free so I don't disturb you

Open the pod bay doors, HAL. Don't be such a dick. I've never liked you, you smarmy jerkface, now let me the hell in this ship before I rip you a new one, and don't give me any of this "ooh, mission, mission, we gotta do the mission" crap. Just let me in, it's cold out here :(

[William Broom]

"You feelin' lucky, punk? 'Cause if you're not, then you probably shouldn't mess with me. Since you have to be lucky to beat me. Because I can draw my gun really fast."

"I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. It was amazing. There were, like fifty ships, and they were all firing their C-beams at each other at the SAME FUCKING TIME. It was like, peew! peew! times fifty. Fucking awesome, dude."

[jjs]

Bond.  James Bond.  I say my last name first, then I say my first name, then I say my last name again, just in case you forgot it.  Wait, what were we talking about, again?  Oh, yes, I was about to choose my next witticism...

Space.  The final frontier.  Well, that, and Time.  And the Frontier Planet in the Lobster's Anus Nebula... I keep forgetting about that one...

Luke, I am your father.  I never told you, because I couldn't afford the child-support payments.  I hope you don't resent me for making you spend your formative years on a freaking MOISTURE farm...

Arrakis.  Dune.  Desert Planet.  It's got worms.

"My name is a killing word!"
"What, 'Paul'?"
"No, my OTHER name."
"Muad-d--"
"DON'T SAY IT!!!!!!"

HACK THE PLANET!  HACK THE PLANET!  This is not a metaphor!  Take a pickaxe and start actually hacking at the ground of the planet!  There's GOLD there!  GOLD!  We'll all be rich, RICH, I tells ya! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.  In fact, my damn not-giving is so powerful, that someday, when they invent Valium, they'll put MY face on the label!

You remind me of the babe.  (What babe?)  Oh, shit, he was here just a minute ago!  TOBY!  Where have you gone off to?

[jstckr]

"I've got a bad feeling about this. I can't quite put my finger on it, but you could say it's a bad hunch mixed with agony. A really unpleasant feeling."

[Hideous]

"I love you!"

"I know. It was quite obvious from all the silent awkward moments and the looking into each others eyes and such. But, alas, I'm gonna go get frozen in this carbonite pit thing now, on the order of Vader. Bye!"

[jjs]

Momma always said, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.  That's why I buy all my chocolate in bags.

[Cerogravian]

There can be only one, because we all have to try to kill each other, until there's only one left, after the final pair has had a showdown, and one of the final two has killed the other one, and he is left alone. Unless the final two decapitates each other at the exact same time, or somebody just blows everyone up with a huge bomb. But that'd be ungentlemanly, and we always duel like gentlemen, so yeah, we can't stop the killing until there's only one left.

...Well, assuming that he doesn't tire of lonely immortality after a couple of hundred years and gets too friendly with a guillotine, in which case there of course can't be anyone...

[Annabelle Kennedy]

this thread made my morning its hilarious you guys are hilarious #1 triple A plus

[battlerager]

I'd buy that for a dollar! I mean, if you can actually purchase that. I don't really know. Just thinking, you know? Maybe I'd even spend two dollar. Or three.

[jjs]

this thread made my morning its hilarious you guys are hilarious #1 triple A plus

A haiku (with seasonal reference):

Validation from
Pixel goddess makes my heart
Flutter [Look, it's Fall!]

[Valter]

"Batten down the hatches! No, not batter! Batton! Like, 'close and fasten with these strips of wood'! Sheesh. It's like nobody even reads the Nautilus Glossary and Dictionary anymore. That's what I get for press-ganging my crew."

[Renton]

How appropriate, you fight like a cow. You know, since you said I fight like a dairy farmer. Which is something on which I strongly disagree with you, by the way. I believe my fighting is versatile and no like that of a dairy farmer. Or any farmer, for that matter. My teacher says I fight good. I respect and trust his opinion.

I find your lack of faith disturbing. First of all; I am a very conservative person and quite honestly, I think calling Force an ancient religion is very outrageous. It was only 20 years ago when we killed all the Jedi and they used Force. I use Force. I choke people with my mind all the time. What do you call that? CGI trickery? It's been scientifically proven! It's the midi-chlorians! I'm talking facts here, buddy! Aww, hell, you got me all angry and heavy breathing! SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME MY INHALER?

[Valter]

"You better stop waving that around like a feather duster. You know, 'cause your sword skills are better for maid-service than for fighting. And, y'know, we're in a fight right now. And it's not exactly a maid-service contest, so you're out of luck there, huh?"

This is fun!

"we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills, we shall fight in the hamlets, we shall fight on the rooftops, we shall fight in the abandoned port warehouses, we shall fight in the sea, we shall fight in the forests, we shall fight in the valleys, we shall fight in the fjords, oh, and the canyons, right, and the towns, villages too, I suppose, swamps as well, I guess, but they're icky, oh, and we ought to fight them in Germany, too. Whatever.

[Renton]

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Because it's too heavy for you. That's why. You're emotional. And I really don't want to hurt you. Emotionally. I like you. Hell, I LOVE YOU! There, I said it. I love you. Kiss me, my love, and let us sail the seas of love!

[jjs]

I'm not even supposed to be here today!  'Cause this was supposed to be my day off.  I could be reading a book, or watching a nice Kevin Smith movie, or maybe SNORKELING!   Oh man, that would be AWESOME!  Hey, Randall, you wanna just quit our jobs and go snorkeling?  No, not ASS-Snorkeling!  Jeez, why do you have to perv up everything I say?   *Sigh...*  I'm not even supposed to be here today...

[Labbed]

I ruined a Quote.

[Renton]

Boo.
Snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes? God, I hate snakes. I really do. See, when I was a kid, I fell in a box of snakes. It was a box of milk snakes, they didn't bite me or anything; but I didn't know that, not that it would matter, so it kinda scarred me for life. Funny, that day I got this scar on my chin here, too. Anyway. Couldn't these snakes be puppies? Or kittens? I really love kittens. They're like the Christ to my Satan. And by Satan, I mean snakes. Because they're sinister and evil. Just look at them. All crawling and sneaky and hissing and trying to bite you with their venomous teeth. Disgusting.