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[Melly]

In order to glorify how much I love this place I decided to create a little thread for people to post some of the most epic posts ever posted in these forums.

I'll start with a gem by Mr. Cake.

I like the idea that you write your code full of pitfalls and traps to deter the unwary.

"Three men were swept up by a nested loop before anybody turned. God rest them, if there be any rest in the universe. They were Donovan, Guerrera, and Angstrom. Parker slipped as the other three were plunging frenziedly over endless vistas of tangled code to the escape key, and Johansen swears he was swallowed up by an errant variable which shouldn't have been there; a variable which was local, but behaved as if it were global. So only Briden and Johansen reached the exit, and pulled desperately for the Alt-F4 as the mountainous monstrosity heaved its seething mass of virtual functions upon the stack and hesitated, floundering at the edge of the desktop."

[Inane]

WOW what luck! I need a programmer and you just happened to spam the forums that I come to, what are the chances?

Sadly, I only pay in frozen monkey appendages flown in from the Congo....sooo, if you are some sort of mad scientist that needs spare monkey parts or have a monkey parts collection you need to add to PM me.

I will program in exchange for monkey parts, but I only know how to program one kind of computer: the infernal "Odegron," a clockwork computer built by the black priests of the lost city of Mu, which runs on human bones and howls and gibbers maddeningly.

I ported Pong to it once, but everyone who tried to play went incurably insane the moment the machine booted up.

I Like Chris.

[Akhel]

Who's Chris? Does he like cake?

[Alex May]

Untrue. I was a farm pioneer, and nobody has ever been able to stop me. Not the cattle, not space aliens, not the state forestry department, not anybody.

All of which would make great adversaries in your Sim game, by the way. I would know. From experience.

The first thing any herd of cattle does when they break out of their fence is RUN, not walk, but RUN to your garden.

They don't even stop to graze on the luscious grass by the side of the road, nor do they stop to shit. They leave long, spattery trails of manure down the road, relieving themselves as they run for your garden.

Damned cows.

Every day, whenever I saw a cow, I wanted to punch it in the face. Seriously.

Also, if you're going to be a 'farm pioneer,' (god, I love that term) you're going to need a good source of firewood for when the winter kicks in. Because you use a woodstove. Not an oil furnace or any other means of heat.

Sure, you can buy firewood, but you don't have enough money for that sort of thing, because you're a piss-poor farm pioneer.

Sure, you can buy a permit to go out on county land and cut up dead trees, but that costs money.

So, what you do, is you go out on county land and cut up dead trees anyway. So long as your fairly cagey, the forestry can't catch you. Take old, grown in mine roads and nobody will ever find you. When you leave the mine road, pull over and cover your tracks with fresh dirt. If there are tracks there the next day when you return, you know you're being followed and have to lay low.

As a farm pioneer, you spend most of your time starving. You don't actually feel the hunger most of the time, but a single bowl of moica per day leads to malnourishment. Before long, you'll start salivating at the sight of any and all local wildlife. Make friends with bear hunters and they'll occasionally donate big, 20 pound bear liver to you. It's a tasty treat. Also, it's manly!

As a farm pioneer, your truck is a complete rattletrap piece of junk. The transmission is shot, it overheats frequently, the fuel gauge is busted so that it ALWAYS reads completely full, and you frequently find yourself stranded on the backroads, miles and miles away from any populated areas. this absolutely SUCKS, but fortunately the shoeleather express is free. Nothing can stop the farm pioneer.

Also, as a farm pioneer, you generally hate being in town. You're a social recluse, you're face is covered in a thick coat of fur, you haven't taken a shower in a months, and whenever anybody in town sees you they refer to you in hushed voices as 'the mountain man.' People avoid eye contact with you.

Also, every single day some tool, absolutely and completely vital to your survival, will break or go missing. You cry "forward!" out loud and brush such setbacks off. Always keep moving. Nothing's gonna stop you. You're a farm pioneer.

Also, as a farm pioneer, you live in the countryside. This means men outnumber women by roughly 100 to 1, and you'll have to go many months between actually seeing members of the opposite sex. This results in general irritability. If you see a guy with a girlfriend, despite her looks or temperament, you're going to be jealous. Words will be exchanged, a brawl will probably break out. If you win, you have proven your manliness. If you lose, then you go into town and start rumors about said man being a no-good crystal-meth addict. The word will spread around and intensify in the small population like a wildfire and eventually get to the girl, who'll leave him.

Aint a man alive who can stop the farm pioneer.

[skaldicpoet9]

This spawned from me thinking of an idea for a B game:
It starts of as an average game, perhaps platformer, perhaps action RPG. But either way, it's got a pretty long plot involving monsters and destined princesses and stuff. That part of the plot isn't important, though. What is important is that about halfway through the game, the main character begins to think about deeply philosophical things, and from here on out, he slowly becomes aware of his existence as a video-game character - an entity of someone else's creation and control. He realizes that the plot he'd been a part of is all just made up, and his new mission is to break free of the player's control. This adds an entirely new aspect to the game, having to keep the character under control as he will sometimes randomly attempt suicide (due to depression as well as unwillingness to live a controlled life), make a mad dash for the edge of the screen (where it is believed that once the character goes off-screen, he will be free, so long as the screen doesn't find him), or do other various things to shake the player. While his actions are still player-controlled, his thoughts aren't though, so all the while he'll be displaying (or speaking aloud) his ponderings and showing visible distaste for the player (even resorting to the classic "well, hey buddy, fuck you!"). At one point, the character falls in love with an NPC, so he agrees to temporarily allow the player to control him in order to save her. Then he goes back to his evasion tactics. At the end of the game, the character finally gains his freedom and walks off the screen.

You know, the whole thing is sort of like The Truman Show, but in game form.

EPIC idea.

[Terry]

Bezzy explaining how to properly pimp your game on the forums:

Yeah guys! You're obviously new to this whole forum shilling thing, because posting about your game on arrival is a rookie mistake.

You've got to hit *atleast* 166 posts, full of content which butters up to fellow forumites before you start pimping your game hardcore_. See, that's what you guys aren't capable of - leading people on, and making them think they're forming real friendships before blowing them out of the water, telling them you were a shill all the time. Your morals get the better of you and you chicken out, and if they don't find out from you directly (cos you're too chicken to tell them yourself) they call you a jerk, and don't wanna talk to you ever again, and you try to tell them "Sure, it started as a bet, but somehow, along the way, I found out that I love you." but they still think it's a lie.

And as you cry yourself to sleep over a love lost, there's... I dunno... some contrived scene where you stick up for this potential customer's downs syndrome brother who's being picked on by the school bully, and only THEN they buy your game. Trust me, I've been there and it's NOT WORTH THE BLOWJOBS.

You've got to learn not to get attached. After all, they're just a bunch of pimpley nerds on an interweb forum who you kinda wince to call your "audience".

I hope this helps.

[moi]

In order to glorify how much I love this place I decided to create a little thread for people to post some of the most epic posts ever posted in these forums.

I'll start with a gem by Mr. Cake.

I like the idea that you write your code full of pitfalls and traps to deter the unwary.

"Three men were swept up by a nested loop before anybody turned. God rest them, if there be any rest in the universe. They were Donovan, Guerrera, and Angstrom. Parker slipped as the other three were plunging frenziedly over endless vistas of tangled code to the escape key, and Johansen swears he was swallowed up by an errant variable which shouldn't have been there; a variable which was local, but behaved as if it were global. So only Briden and Johansen reached the exit, and pulled desperately for the Alt-F4 as the mountainous monstrosity heaved its seething mass of virtual functions upon the stack and hesitated, floundering at the edge of the desktop."

Great post, and it's also an hommage to the "Call of Cthulhu" short story isn't it ?

[Akhel]

Actually, I have a Swedish adventure game in a drawer called "Requiem".

Is it a large drawer, or is your character miniscule?  Maybe you should call it "Requiem in a Drawer".

[Smithy]

I am honored to be considered epic.

[Hinchy]

Last night I dreamt of an indie game, and tigsource.

Melly, Toastie, and some other person whose name ended with the "E" sound got together and made a game.

The protagonist was a baby (a cartoony, stick-man type baby.)
In the opening cutscene, baby was in his car seat while it's mommy was filling up the tank with gas. She was also smoking a cigarette. The fumes caught fire and the gas tank exploded, leaving a crater in place of the gas pumps and car. About ten seconds later the baby fell from the sky, slightly scorched, and landed on screen at the edge of the crater.

The cartoony, stick person gas station attendant waddled out, took notice of the baby, picked him up by the leg and examined him. The baby smiled at the man.

An extraordinarily obese woman waddled onto the screen, mumbled a bunch of stuff (the dialogue was made up of mumbles and pictures in talky bubbles, like in the sims but better.) She wanted to buy the baby from the gas station attendant. The gas station attendant accepted the deal and handed her the baby, whereupon she opened her mouth to huge proportions and swollowed the baby whole.

The entirety of the game took place inside her cartoony digestive system. It was a metroidvania style platformer that followed the baby's wandering quest to find a way out.

I remember the first boss in the game was a giant foot which suddenly protruded from her intestinal wall. The foot had a nipple on the bottom of it, which the baby tried to suckle at first, but then the foot tried to stomp on him.

The last boss was this mass of cartoony intestinal tissue shaped like a cartoony cat wearing a pirate's hat. When the baby defeated the cat monster, they became friends and the cat monster clawed it's way out of the woman ala alien and thus helped the baby escape.



It was a weird dream. I think it was prophetic.

[Smithy]

I am honored to be considered epic.

[Akhel]

This one had me in stitches. :D

Skin color is customizable.

[medieval]

[William Broom]

the holding of the button for the walkage of the baby is totally unworking and antiproductive to the act of the walking of the baby. definitely toggle that.

if the jumping while beneath blocks is prevented when said blocks are in the state of being directly above the head in any amount of direct aboveness of the head, said blocks should have flat bottoms, as it is confusing when one cannot find oneself in the state of jumping when beneath a surface when a possible state of jumping seems shouldly possible.

graphical improvement get! shapely turnout, yes? quite progressy.

[Ivan]

HOW CARE AOUT THE GRAPHIC

[Melly]

I died.

[siiseli]

In order to glorify how much I love this place I decided to create a little thread for people to post some of the most epic posts ever posted in these forums.

I'll start with a gem by Mr. Cake.

I like the idea that you write your code full of pitfalls and traps to deter the unwary.

"Three men were swept up by a nested loop before anybody turned. God rest them, if there be any rest in the universe. They were Donovan, Guerrera, and Angstrom. Parker slipped as the other three were plunging frenziedly over endless vistas of tangled code to the escape key, and Johansen swears he was swallowed up by an errant variable which shouldn't have been there; a variable which was local, but behaved as if it were global. So only Briden and Johansen reached the exit, and pulled desperately for the Alt-F4 as the mountainous monstrosity heaved its seething mass of virtual functions upon the stack and hesitated, floundering at the edge of the desktop."

[Massena]

Now it looks like a Cactus game.

Tough love.  :D

[AdamAtomic]

How about

I see two HUGE contradictions!

I almost peed the first time I saw this.  Absolutely F'ing Brilliant.

[moi]

So here is Pencerkoff to uphold Pencerkoff name
(...)
And since you ask Pencerkoff why he is bad attitude, he tell you why.  MMF2 is like Democracy.  It look good on box but inside there is a political structure that is backward and dumb.  To do anything I want I end up going through long and confusing loop-holes in the program. 
(...)
 If you were communist program these problems could be fixed right away... though I suspect you'll just shove them to back of filing cabinet because you think this is all joke.
(...)
The only "bash" was me calling you dumb, which even I said I would apologize for next week.
(...)
So sorry for it but who cares?  This is internet, everyone is pissed.