[CANCELLED] Junkyard Excavating Robotic Keepers

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Thursday, Jan. 27, 20XX

Junkyard Excavating Robotic Keepers to be employed in all ASH HOLE SALVAGE junkyards

ASH HOLE SALVAGE are on the cutting edge of technology today having employed a fleet of highly experimental automated junkyard maintenance robots labeled Junkyard Excavating Robotic Keepers. As they are built to replace humans, any employees involved with the following tasks are asked to "clean out your lockers and get the hell out" effective immediately:

Waste recycling
Disposing of surplus scrap
Dispatching deviant and hazardous junk
Jumping on platforms
Jumping off platforms
Keeping the pipes clean

Anybody involved with these tasks should evacuate the premises immediately or be escorted by attack dogs. All remaining employees (upper management and Ricky the janitor) are asked to join your colleagues in the cafeteria for champagne and tacos to celebrate a record high profit margin this quarter.

Best regards,

ASH HOLE SALVAGE
The Management