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[DecapitatedOrk]

So I wrote up some backstory for my RPG. English isn't my native language nor am I the best writer so I was hoping I could get some feedback on it. I'm going for a dark and gritty feel (It's a cyberpunk setting.) Perspective wise it's being told by a hobo in an alley. Not sure if I'll actually use it in game (Maybe if I could get's Bastion's narrator to do it :D) but I feel like it's something I shouldn't write down either.

So you want me to tell you the story of how this country got so fucked up? Fine, sit down, listen, and don't interrupt. It's the year 2082 America is no longer a democracy. Well, to be honest, it wasn't a democracy for a while now, but only recently did they decided it was about time to drop the charade. Privatization they called it. The ability for private entities (IE Corporations) to purchase various aspects of the government. It all started so innocently, just a couple of CEOs who wanted to fund their favorite candidate. But, then the war hit. The war between America and Oceana.  A war over oil. What's oil? It's some crummy old resource used for electricity before they figured out how to create safely create nuclear power. It's long gone now, they pumped it all up and the land around it is more used then any whore in these alley ways. The war lasted a good two centuries before it finally stopped, with neither side the victor and both the loser. Though in my humble opinion, I think America lost far more then the war during those days. You see, war is expensive. Now good old Uncle Sam has deep pockets, but they're now where as deep as the ones those suits have. So they decided to sell some things. At first it wasn't too bad, some public transportation systems and various loans. But, the war pressed on and so did it's hunger for the blood and sweat of every citizen in this country. Soon enough hospitals and schools were all in private hands. When the war was finished the government was about a quarter of it's former size, and it didn't take too long to finish off the rest of it. It's not like it could resist at that point, it was too small; too weak. The only thing that was left was "President" and a "Congress", but they were just figureheads anyway. Recently the veil was dropped and our new overlords decided to reveal themselves to us. CEOs of the top 10 largest corporations in this country assembled their resources and now call themselves "The Board". It was a silent revolution, no blood or tears were shed, America went from a beacon of freedom to the pot bellied pig of corruption and vile. "The Board" wasn't in it for the interest of the people, they were in it for themselves. These were men who wanted power for the sole purpose of having it. They did not know what to do with it, so they just used it to gain more. Of course, to get more you need to protect what you already have and they had all the protection they needed on their little payroll. Every cop in the country answered to them and they made sure that those who obeyed were rewarded, and those who didn't? Well let's just say they ain't around anymore.

[RamSteelwood]

I think it's pretty good, it works well in the context of setting the narrative and being told by some hobo.

You mention English isn't your first language, and even though your writing is still probably better than I could manage, I've altered it slightly for you here where I think you've maybe used the odd wrong word or bit of grammar....not that mine is perfect so feel free to ignore or re-correct!  also, I changed the war from lasting 'two centuries' to 'two generations', since a century is 100 years which would mean the war was happening now!  Finally, I left 'Oceania' as the opponent in the war, but maybe you meant 'Asia' as Oceania is pretty unlikely to go to war with America...

So you want me to tell you the story of how this country got so fucked up? Fine, sit down, listen, and don't interrupt. It's the year 2082 and America is no longer a democracy. Well, to be honest, it wasn't a democracy for a while now, but only recently did they decide it was about time to drop the charade. Privatization they called it - the ability for private entities (IE Corporations) to purchase various aspects of the government. It all started so innocently, just a couple of CEOs who wanted to fund their favourite candidate. But then, the war hit. The war between America and Oceania...  A war over oil… What's oil? It's some crummy old resource they used for electricity before they figured out how to safely create nuclear power. It's long gone now, they pumped it all up and the land around it is more used then any whore in these alley ways. The war lasted a good two generations before it finally stopped, with neither side the victor and both the loser. Though in my humble opinion, I think America lost far more than the war during those days. You see, war is expensive. Now good old Uncle Sam has deep pockets, but they're nowhere near as deep as the ones those suits have. So they decided to sell some things. At first it wasn't too bad, some public transportation systems and various loans. But, the war pressed on and so did its hunger for the blood and sweat of every citizen in this country. Soon enough hospitals and schools were all in private hands. When the war was finished the government was about a quarter of its former size, and it didn't take too long to finish off the rest of it. It's not like it could resist at that point; it was too small, too weak. The only thing that was left was "President" and a "Congress", but they were just figureheads anyway.  Recently the veil was dropped and our new overlords decided to reveal themselves to us.  The CEOs of the top 10 largest corporations in this country assembled their resources and now call themselves "The Board". It was a silent revolution, no blood or tears were shed.  America went from a beacon of freedom to the pot-bellied pig of corruption and bile. "The Board" wasn't in it for the interest of the people; they were in it for themselves. These were men who wanted power for the sole purpose of having it. They did not know what to do with it, so they just used it to gain more. Of course, to get more you need to protect what you already have and they had all the protection they needed on their little payroll. Every cop in the country answered to them and they made sure that those who obeyed were rewarded, and those who didn't? Well let's just say they ain't around anymore.

[James Coote]

Paragraphs. No one is going to read your story unless you learn how to present it in a form that is easy to read.

Don't swear, unless it is coming directly from a character. At the moment, it looks like you the author are swearing. It will not endear you to your readers, nor cause any shock value. Maybe use "speech marks" just to make it clear

Try to vary the sentence structure some more E.g:

"It's the year 2082 and America is no longer a democracy"

becomes

"The year is 2082, and the days when America still pretended to be a democracy are long since over"

Take out this sentence:
"The war lasted a good two generations before it finally stopped, with neither side the victor and both the loser"

..or at least put it after your description of the war, otherwise it becomes confusing. You just said the war is over but now you're describing a war. Is this a new war after the first or describing the war you just said was over?

[ஒழுக்கின்மை (Paul Eres)]

i don't think what you wrote is a "story" so much as "reality"

[Lynx]

I think the whole thing is a little too wordy-- 'prolix', as editors would say.  It also relies heavily on "As you know, Bob" syndrome where one character explains to another things that both character would (in character) already know.

If you want to present this as backstory in the form of dialogue, go with the Robert Heinlein approach.  Make the story background implicit, but the reader fills the blank in from what the narrator is telling the player character.  For example, just throwing in 'Corporate States of America' would give the reader the immediate understanding that this is a future where corporations have done away with the government.

2082...  In about six years, the good ol' US would have celebrated three centuries of democracy.  Hah!  If we hooked up some dynamos to the founders spinning in their graves, we could get some juice out of 'em.  Be more use than the Constitution.

Privatization, that's what started us down the road to the Corporate States of America, kiddo.  The politicians needed money for their campaigns, so they franchised parts of the government in the name of 'better serving the public interest'.  The Post Office.  The National Guard.  The parks.  God, I remember when Mount Rushmore wasn't a theme park.

Then the war with Oceana hit, and they had to borrow more from the companies.  Off went more pieces of the pie-- roads, hospitals, public schools and universities.  We sold our own military equipment, then rented them back.  Pretty soon all that was left was the President and Congress, making laws the companies pretended to follow.  So they cut the middleman out and now we have "The Board", made up of the richest CEOs in the world.  It's more efficient, they say.

You kids, you think it's normal your neighborhood cop wears a corporate logo and won't lift a finger if you don't pay your home security fee.  Me...  I remember when America stood for something.