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[TacoBell_Lord]

Sup. can you read my passage please? I'm looking for feedback on some of my writing.  - http://tinyurl.com/7s6leom


<Brief Intro> Name's Daye, writer & sound designer. My style centers around surrealism, morbid yet real chill, vintage & abstract.  Its not fully self-deprived bullshit where i drown in my own nonsense, so don't be afraid.

FANTASM, is based on a nightmare i had one night. I'm not into poems as much as passages. Again, i would really appreciate some feedback/criticism from anyone.  Enjoy & Thanks.

Also post your writings in the thread if you want, I will love to read some new things & brutally criticize you loll.

[James Coote]

You keep switching tenses. Make sure everything is in the same tense

Some of the sentences don't make sense

Also, you need to use a lot more commas, especially on the longer sentences

Additionally, you've half introduced some stuff but then not followed up on it (such as "The Darkness" and whatever it is that is tunneling through her nostrils).

[TacoBell_Lord]

thnx needed to hear that.

[eyeliner]

FANTASM

(*The) Blood quenches from her teeth; biting as hard as she can (*could) to distract her from the pain. Her nails tear through the side of her face, his skin fill(s) the inside of them (them what?). Her legs tremble, (*quickly) losing all humanity to the tantric feel. The Sin corrupted her faith, (*as) the light in her pupils fading (*faded). Spitting blood from (of) her mouth, some (of it) tunneled through her nostrils. (Fearing the words of her father, the obsession of her teacher & thoughts of her congregation; The Darkness overwhelmed the tempted “explosion”. *this sentence needs clarification, a rewrite or even deletion, does not add to the story*) Her bloddy fingers grab (*bed) her bible on the side, quickly flipping through the scriptures, her sub-conscience tries (*trying) to repent for her sins. (She) Desperately tries (*trying) to recite a prayer, but she lost the (*her) knowledge of the English language. (*The memories of the holy water she was bathe in for the nasty thoughts she yelled out during service flushed through scraping regret on the walls of her mind.* Incredidly confusing)

The Angel’s spells silenced by her swearing leaving them in confusion as they flew to her cries for help. Her hips in panic, her thighs swollen…as he kissed her she bit his tongue, tearing it some, blood flooded out his mouth but she returned by licking his face, coloring it a dark red. Not believing that only a few minutes had past by or not understanding why it wasn’t over. She was…”arriving”…the thing is the more she “arrive” the more her heart dimmed down to a light beat-she was leaving this world. The pleasure composed to the lost of her life. All of her senses-depleted. He thrusted more, building up to the much wanted “eruption”…she was fully climaxed then in that split second died in his arms. He exited after rest.

Many wondered what happened to the poor misled child of God as the church people starred at her so close at her distant body. They tried to figure how she died from the disluded expression. Some called it regular murder, some knew it was supernatural but none knew it was FANTASM.
END

Just the first paragraph:
(*word) are words I removed, while adding a few bits. You need to improve a lot, your writing goes too fast, but you change verb tenses, like James pointed out, but you also switch scenes too fast, and the sentences are confusing or just out of place.

I couldn't really keep interest to read the rest because I felt my brain took too long to decode the meaning, rereading sentences more than two times. I'm not from an english speaking country, though.

You need to focus the subject and stop hopping scenes like that. Some of it looks like a bad machine translation from Google.

[Graham-]

You jump topics suddenly like 5 times in the first paragraph. That should never happen.

The first semi-colon doesn't belong there. That should be a comma.

You use adjectives too profusely. Let's look at this passage:

"Fearing the words of her father, the obsession of her teacher & thoughts of her congregation; The Darkness overwhelmed the tempted “explosion”."

The ampersand? What?

I don't even know what this sentence means. Clarity is king in writing. It's more important to be clear than anything. A poorly communicated idea only communicates annoyance.

Bad semicolon. Semicolons are used to separate sentences.

Fearing the words of her father, "she"? The subject here has to be a person. Who is fearing? The reader expects the subject be used after the comma, like, "Fearing the words of her father, the girl became apprehensive."

Maybe the stuff after the comma is an explanation of what comes before it?

So like, "Fearing the words of her father, the manifestation of his obsession, the perfect parallel of her congregation's ignorance, the darkness in her heart overwhelmed her desire for love."

We don't know what "The Darkness" is. Being vague about something doesn't make it mysterious. "The Darkness" comes off as melodramatic and insulting. Don't do that.

If you want to introduce a new term, you have to explain it immediately. This sentence is discussing several things. It talks about the father, his opinion, her congregation, her relationship with the two, her flaw, her desire, _and_ some new concept that doesn't fit anyway. That's like sending a girl 2 pictures of your penis. If the first one didn't do it, like, don't send any more.

It takes time to build things up. I feel like you have 10 different ideas and you're shoving them all together for effect. That will never work. Don't ever do that. You need to guide the reader through what you have. Once you've established many ideas in their mind, then you can start throwing them together. Don't make the reader lift 8 differently sized weights just to get through your first paragraph.

It's great that you have ideas. Space them out. Writing is about having courage in what you have to say. Good writers make the banal seem interesting, not the interesting seem confusing. What you're doing is the result of feeling like your ideas aren't worthy enough to breath, that you need to cram everything in there. Tell a girl 1 joke and hold the space confidently, she will go out with you. Tell a girl 10 jokes in rapid succession, she will call the police. See the difference?

The "tempted 'explosion.'" Same problem as with "The Darkness." We don't know what the explosion is. Is it sexual? I don't know. "The" tempted explosion? Why "the"? I also don't understand why she's tempted. I don't know what the explosion is, or why she's tempted. Is the temptation hers? Who does it belong to? If I can't naturally understand what the tempted explosion is, you have to explain it. But since you're already introducing more significant ideas in that sentence, if I can't understand your adjective ("tempted") then it shouldn't be there at all.

Do you see how many questions I have that need answering just to understand your one sentence? You need to get that number down to 0. If you want to raise questions in the reader's mind you should do it deliberately. If them not understanding something will undermine their ability to understand something else, then everything will unravel. Be very aware of that.

I like the ideas though. There are interesting ideas in there. They're just presented in a giant jumble. It's like you stuck 'em in a bag, shook it up, then dumped out 30% on the floor. But I bet they were part of something I would like to read.

[TacoBell_Lord]

very awesome, took notes on all the advice given. Thanks guys, def needed that. Also toast_trip thanks dudeskus, that was the best criticism I ever heard in my life lmafo, seriously. I'm planning on turning it into a book series in my late 20's but I'll be sure to update (& clean up) the next passages I put into the series for my blog.

[Graham-]

It feels good to hear that.

Your writing is inspiring. Your biggest issue is in the way you present your ideas; that's an easy thing to improve at. I think you'll do well.