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[JigxorAndy]

Recently I had to come up with a one sentence pitch for the game I'm currently working on, as well as a one paragraph synopsis. An elevator pitch like this isn't something that I think about a lot, but I realised that it might be good to have in mind for when people ask me face-to-face what my game is actually about.

So here's the idea of this thread: post your elevator pitch and give constructive feedback on other people's pitches. If you haven't got one yet, come up with one!

What follows below is the pitch that I am currently using for my game, Dungeon Dashers, as descriptions on websites, applications, forms, etc. I figured that my one sentence pitch was actually pretty focused on "function" rather than "emotion", which may make it sound less exciting. So that's my motivation to change it in the future.

One sentence pitch:

[new] Bringing the experience of playing tabletop board games with friends to PC, Dungeon Dashers streamlines the core dungeon crawler experience to its essentials, for a fast-paced loot-grabbing adventure.

[old] Dungeon Dashers is a fast-paced dungeon crawler where you raid dungeons with friends.
[old] Dungeon Dashers is a fast-paced, turn-based co-operative dungeon crawler for the PC.

One paragraph pitch:

Dungeon Dashers is a fast-paced, turn-based co-operative dungeon crawler, bringing the experience of enjoying a tabletop board game with friends to the PC. Dungeon Dashers streamlines the core dungeon crawler gameplay to its essentials, making for a game that’s easy for new players to jump into, but will still appeal to longtime players of the genre. What’s more, the game creatively matches a fan-friendly retro aesthetic to intelligent contemporary game design principles. The game will feature a selection of playable fantasy characters, who square off against a large variety of dangerous foes, such as witches, elementals, and terrifying dragons. Players will explore a number of unique, carefully-crafted environments, while a publicly available level editor will help to ensure sustained fan engagement long after the game’s release.

Sorry if this sort of thing has been posted before, but I couldn't find a thread about it!

[Impmaster]

Sounds like a cool idea for a thread. As the first replier, I'd like to suggest to you to change your one sentence elevator pitch to explain what it is a little more. From what I read, it seems like Diablo... where you can pause... Actually, I can't really tell what your game will be like. Maybe say a little more about how it will be different from others in the genre?

Anyways, cool idea for a thread. If I ever finish my game, I hope to see this still alive!

[JigxorAndy]

Sounds like a cool idea for a thread. As the first replier, I'd like to suggest to you to change your one sentence elevator pitch to explain what it is a little more. From what I read, it seems like Diablo... where you can pause... Actually, I can't really tell what your game will be like. Maybe say a little more about how it will be different from others in the genre?

Anyways, cool idea for a thread. If I ever finish my game, I hope to see this still alive!

Thanks! That's pretty much what got me thinking about this thread. I didn't think my pitch was that strong, so I'd like to change it in the future. I think a good formula to use is to describe stuff as existing games. For example: "Starcraft is like Warcraft set in space." Though I'm not entirely sure what my game plays like.

[sublinimal]

OP's one-sentence description isn't really anything that'd make me want to check out the game. It just coldly categorizes the game without giving much info about what it feels like (apart from "fast-paced"). A good pitch appeals to emotions first and foremost.

"Dungeon Dashers is a fast-paced crawler where you raid dungeons with your friends!". "Raid" is a charged word, conveniently giving the impression of "killing enemies" and "stealing their loot". "Crawler" is the only categorization here, and it doesn't matter, because players will figure out what kind of a game it is and what platforms it's for once they visit the download site. And as I see it, getting potential players to the download site is the point of one-sentence pitches, not to offer a description of the game's technicalities.

A good technique to bring up emotions, like mentioned in this thread, is to draw a comparison to another game. You get every association players have about that game at the price of its title (~2 words).

[Chris Koźmik]

Dungeon Dashers - will you and your friends survive against the hordes of unholy minions send by the evil dungeon master in this fast yet turn based adventure?

Dungeon Dashers - gather your friends and face together the forces of evil lurking in the dungeons of Moria

Things like "for PC" are not needed, people who come across your game will know about it already (that's how they googled it).

[JigxorAndy]

Dungeon Dashers - will you and your friends survive against the hordes of unholy minions send by the evil dungeon master in this fast yet turn based adventure?

Dungeon Dashers - gather your friends and face together the forces of evil lurking in the dungeons of Moria

"Dungeon Dashers is a fast-paced crawler where you raid dungeons with your friends!".

Great suggestions guys! I definitely agree that my one-sentence pitch is boring. I'll try to come up with something much more exciting based on what you've said so far.

[Udderdude]

"It's a fucking videogame". :3

There's quite a collection of short, one-sentence type descriptions of my games on my site.  Of course, the more complex a game is, the harder it is to describe in a single sentence.

Now I just have to memorize them all in case I'm in an elevator with a rich investor type .. >_>

[Shine Klevit]

Well for the two projects I have

Obama's Americant 2016 - A top down shooter that takes you out of reality, and into the eyes of a Tea Partier.

and

A German expressionist inspired VHS-punk dystopian pitch-black interactive novel RPG.

[Chris Bischoff]

Classic Scifi Adventure Game set on an abandoned research facility, with high resolution Isometric graphics.

OK-that sounds way less sexy than I thought it would. :D

[Chris Koźmik]

Do not use tags, use emotional replacements of tags:


co-operative = gather your friends and slay the dragon

co-operative with competition element = gather your friends to kill the dragon, but only one of you can marry the princess so watch your back!

turn based = take your time to make the decisions OR a game where relfexes do not determine victor

real time = without waiting ages till others take their turny (you can use some pejorative terms for the opposite tag, explaing what the game is NOT is sometimes stronger than explaining what it is; hate>love :D)

[moi]

One sentence pitch:

Dungeon Dashers is a fast-paced, turn-based co-operative dungeon crawler for the PC.

srsly, why do people use 'fast paced' in their games descriptions, that doesn't mean anything, especially when the next words are 'turn-based'.
It just makes the description more annoying to read/pronounce. But I see that everywhere.

[James Edward Smith]

srsly, why do people use 'fast paced' in their games descriptions, that doesn't mean anything, especially when the next words are 'turn-based'.
It just makes the description more annoying to read/pronounce. But I see that everywhere.

A turn-based game about giant, land traversing, desert crawling air craft carriers and battleships with multiple systems and fire fighting crews would probably be epic in scale and SLOW PACED to play.

A turn-based, grid-based puzzle game about a samurai who cuts down opponents with one slash if his current stance counters them could be thought of as FAST PACED.

Yes it's true, a player in the second game could think out his moves for days before playing them, but a player in the first game could just mash the end turn button constantly to make it faster paced too.

What is important is what people are going to generally be doing. What if the fastest paced shooter ever created happened to have a pause button, by your logic, does that game have a slow pace because someone could conceivably pause it for hours after shooting or dodging anything while they plan their next course of action?

Pace of a game has very little to do with whether it is turn based or not in a lot of cases.

[gimymblert]

One sentence pitch:

[new] Dungeon Dashers is a fast-paced dungeon crawler where you raid dungeons with friends.

[old] Dungeon Dashers is a fast-paced, turn-based co-operative dungeon crawler for the PC.

Dungeon dasher: okay it's about dungeon and we are dashing, yay! 
is a fast paced: redundant with "dasher" 
Dungeon Crawler: I would guess a game called dungeon dasher is about dungeon ... 
Where you raid Dungeon: How many time you will tell us it's about dungeon? 
With friends: yay I can bring friends 

Score: too much redundancy!

Dungeon Dasher: Bring friends against evil!

Number of idea in the long speach:

1. Dungeon Dashers is a fast-paced, turn-based co-operative dungeon crawler,

2. bringing the experience of enjoying a tabletop board game with friends to the PC.

3. Dungeon Dashers streamlines the core dungeon crawler gameplay to its essentials, making for a game that’s easy for new players to jump into, but will still appeal to longtime players of the genre.

4. What’s more, the game creatively matches a fan-friendly retro aesthetic to intelligent contemporary game design principles.

5. The game will feature a selection of playable fantasy characters,

6. who square off against a large variety of dangerous foes, such as witches, elementals, and terrifying dragons.

7. Players will explore a number of unique, carefully-crafted environments,

8. while a publicly available level editor will help to ensure sustained fan engagement long after the game’s release.

What's the goal of the game? Leveling up? looting? Gear collection?
Why do you fight (dangerous foes, such as witches, elementals, and terrifying dragons.)?
Why Do we explore (Players will explore a number of unique, carefully-crafted environments,)?
You don't give enough clue on the experience and get too much word about yourself and what you want to achieve. Bring a player perspective. You give too much line to generic tropes of the genre we can deduct ourselves, it can be condensed.

There is no motivation to action! It makes hard to get an image of the experience.

[Eigen]

This is the sort of stuff copywriters do - maximum amount of content in as short and comprehensible sentence as possible. It's pretty darn difficult.

Pioneers is an exploration/adventure game set in the 16th century.

[moi]

Gimmy's sonic : the bermuda-triangle doctrine

[sublinimal]

Pioneers - it's what you expect.

[Chris Koźmik]

This is the sort of stuff copywriters do - maximum amount of content in as short and comprehensible sentence as possible.

BTW, some Facebook game was doing a research on which version of the user wall's invite/description brings most new players. They found out it was "the one with the fewest words" :D

[Eigen]

This is the sort of stuff copywriters do - maximum amount of content in as short and comprehensible sentence as possible.

BTW, some Facebook game was doing a research on which version of the user wall's invite/description brings most new players. They found out it was "the one with the fewest words" :D

I imagine "PoopVille - Play and annoy your friends!" would do the trick.

Pioneers - it's what you expect.

In fact, it isn't. Yes, the word pioneer means a person who is among the first to explore or settle a new country or area but to an American (and in American history), the pioneers were basically people you see in Little House on a Prarie. Not at all what the game's about. And in post-soviet countries the word has yet another different meaning. My mom was a pioneer for example.

Okay, I may have found the creepiest picture I've ever seen from that Wikipedia article:


Now that's a Pioneers game I want to play. Army of gas-masked children fighting against another army of mechatronically modified youths on a post-apocalyptic urban battleground.

[oByhring]

Cool thread! Want to dissect this one sentence pitch for me? =)

GOBS! - A colorful physics puzzler that will leave you smiling from ear to ear!



Would you want to try a game based on this description?

You can try it out at oyvindbyhring.net/gobsBeta for reference points.

[Christian Knudsen]

I think a lot of the suggestions in this thread focus too much on what the game is instead of what the player will be doing with it. Focus pitches on how the player will be interacting with it: What are the challenges and what tools does the player have to overcome them?

Example:

GOBS! - A colorful physics puzzler that will leave you smiling from ear to ear!

"Colorful physics puzzler" tells me almost nothing about the game's mechanics. Physics puzzle is such a broad description/genre. It could be anything from something as simple as placing blocks to fill holes to joining mechanical contraptions in complex Rube Goldberg sequences. I guess I at least know that your game isn't black and white.

And "will leave you smiling from ear to ear" is empty marketing speak. You could replace it all with "it's fun", which tells me exactly as little about the game.