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[Kaaeden]

I started working on a story that revolved around the folklore "Slenderman". Not sure if I'm  one of many to attempt this or apart only a few who've tried. However, I wanted give readers a first-person perspective of the eerie and horrifying events that surrounds the appearances of "Slenderman". I'm looking for any writers that could help me out!and if things go well work on future stories.
Like many; I know a good start to the story, a great finish, and some thrilling events in between but I have trouble tying everything together without losing focus or morale. Send me message if you think you can help out; and if things go well we could work on future stories.

Here's a rough draft of the beginning.



“Where are they?...”
“But, why?”
“Oh, I see.”
“Can they see me?”
“Oh. I see”
               ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
    “Damn, give me just one minute! I left the twenty in the car. Oh. Scratch that! It was behind my wallet.” I followed with a smirk and a muffled laugh; trying to conceal the embarrassment of being unprepared after nearly one-hundred items had been scanned. However, it was an effort to no avail. The cashier and customer behind me were no more amused or forgiving than the can of olives atop the bag of groceries. With one more attempt, I glanced from one side of the store to another with an intense look as if a more pressing concern had surfaced in my mind. They bought it; I hope.
     “That’s sad, I knew that kid.” my eyes finally set upon a poster of child that recently went missing.
     “Really? Well if you have any “information of where he may be just...” The cashier began to say in the blandest voice before I cut him off.
     “No, no. I didn’t mean it like that; I’ve just seen him around the area a few times. ” My shoulders slouched with the depressing thoughts of this information.
     “He was trying to skip pebbles across a sidewalk puddle about a week ago, actually; just a few blocks down from here.” I pondered the event; hoping that somewhere in my memory was a minuscule clue to where the kid might be. The thoughts were scattered as the cashier handed me my receipt.
    “No little bit of knowledge can hurt the situation, I suppose.” He said with a condemning tone like he knew I wasn't going to tell a single soul, nor remember by the end of my short drive home.
     “Yeah I guess not. I hope he turns up soon!”

    -“So do I, the last thing this town needs is more people vanishing.”

[Capntastic]

You do a lot of describing things with descriptions of how you're describing them.  Saying someone's shoulders sunk because they are depressed is redundant.  Telling the reader that someone's tone was 'condemning' is a stretch, since it should come across in the language; but to go on and explain "like he knew I wasn't going to tell a single soul" is just being blunt.  It doesn't read well.

Doing prose in-line with dialogue is sort of weird too.  It makes the dialogue blocky and hard to follow.  Consider what you wrote compared to this:

    “That’s sad, I knew that kid.”

My eyes were set upon a poster labelled "MISSING".

    “Really? Well if you have any information about him...” the cashier said.

I cut him off.

    "No, I didn't mean it like that.  I've just seen him around before.  Skipping stones across puddles."

My shoulders ached.  This was a heavy line of thought.

Try reading both of those out loud.

[Evan Balster]

Is Slenderman Story+ a game?  I came up with a name like that once.

[Kaaeden]

No Evan its not; at least not to my knowledge. by "Slenderman story+" I just meant the slenderman story plus/possibly additional projects; some that include stories for games.

Thanks Captastic, will definitely work on cutting out those excessive details from my rough drafts. I tend to go back and weed out most of my unnecessary wording when finishing up a story; but I'll make a habit of fixing it early on.

I'm not sure what you meant by "prose in-line with dialogue", but if your talking about the way it was formatted then, this was something that was unintentionally done. I only tried to turn it from a one paragraph block of mayhem to something a tad bit more presentable as a post.

[Capntastic]

I mean stuff like

"Man, it sure is hot today" said Jeff, toweling off his sweat and wringing it out onto the hood of his car.  He was always doing things like that, he was such a weirdo.

"I agree" Tina responded, polishing her AK-47 with a rag not entirely unlike the one Jeff had been using to towel off his sweat.  It was, truly, a most outrageous juxtaposition.

It breaks up the flow of conversation.

[Trystin]

Is this for a game? A Slenderman game with dialogue and story would be superb.

[ஒழுக்கின்மை (Paul Eres)]

I mean stuff like

"Man, it sure is hot today" said Jeff, toweling off his sweat and wringing it out onto the hood of his car.  He was always doing things like that, he was such a weirdo.

"I agree" Tina responded, polishing her AK-47 with a rag not entirely unlike the one Jeff had been using to towel off his sweat.  It was, truly, a most outrageous juxtaposition.

It breaks up the flow of conversation.

"I agree" Tina responded = incorrect
"I agree," Tina responded = correct

[Capntastic]

That's a whole lot of effort to say I missed an apostrophe!!

[Ashkin]

I don't mean to be condescending or mean, but... If you have all this creative energy and you want to MAKE something, why do you just work off an existing mythos? Why not create your own creature? Slenderman is becoming almost as played out as zombies, with much less reason.

[Evan Balster]

That's a whole lot of effort to say I missed an apostrophe!!

Gahahahah, I hope you're trolling.

[Capntastic]

If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go crude. I'm a very technical boy.  -Johnny Mnemonic.

[Evan Balster]

(Because he was pointing out a forgotten comma, not an apostrophe.  Or was it a fallen apostrophe?)

Sorry for feeding the tangent.

[Capntastic]

The apostrophe response was precision crafted.

[Kaaeden]

I don't mean to be condescending or mean, but... If you have all this creative energy and you want to MAKE something, why do you just work off an existing mythos? Why not create your own creature? Slenderman is becoming almost as played out as zombies, with much less reason.

Maybe i'm picking up the wrong message, but I never said I was full of "creative energy" nor did I say I wouldn't/couldn't create something that was an original piece of work.

I chose to write about Slenderman because there seems like a lot mystery to its background and motives; which leaves room for many concepts and theories. I happened to come up with a unique theory to the folklore that, hopefully, no one else has thought of, so I wanted to make a short story about it. -regardless of how much attention it gets.