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[mysteriosum]

So, one of my favourite people of all time is Shakespeare. I don't know who I'd be today without him. I'm an actor, and I've acted in a few of his plays, and seen a heck of a lot more. I've studied the crap out of Hamlet, which is my favourite, and I could talk about that shit for ages.

The thing for me that separates Shakespeare from the rest is his use of structure. In this topic, specifically his poetic structure, and how he chooses words to make the most of the structure.

For example: he wrote mostly in Iambic Pentameter, so five sets ('feet') of two syllables - unstressed, then stressed.

Shall I compare her to a summer's day?
 -      /   -     /      -  /   -    /     -       /

But sometimes, when he wanted to show something was really dreadfully wrong, he'd fuck with it.

To be or not to be? That is the question.
 -   /   -    /    -    /     -    /    -    /      -

There's an extra syllable, implying that there's something unresolved, or that the question is too heavy for just one line.

ANYWAY, I wrote a Shakespearean sonnet about Hotline Miami, and I intend to do one of these every week.  What do you guys think? Think you can improve it, or write one of your own?

Hotline Miami

In my apartment - mine? - sit three masked figures;
They question me, remind me, just in case
I could forget the men I’ve killed - disfigured.
The phone - ‘twas ‘Tim’ - he left another face.

I smashed and shot and slashed and choked and saved,
With bats and gats and knives or just my hands.
I wish I’d stopped, but when it rang, I caved -
Their threats were even worse than their demands.

I killed the guy the cops think did it,
But hell, it doesn’t matter one bit.
I’ve searched, and now I know how I’ll atone:
I’ll butcher all those fucks behind the phone

The puzzle helped me get the truth from them, at least.
It’s all a game - to play is to become the beast.


Some general rules for the Elizabethan sonnet form:
-14 lines = 3 stanzas of 4 lines each, plus a rhyming clouplet
-Each stanza should have its own rhyming scheme, but it can vary; ABBA or ABAB or AABB for the first one, then CCDD or CDCD for the second... whatever works for you. The rhythm should match between the rhyming lines, also.
-You can use the three stanzas in multiple ways - it can be 3 acts of a 3 act play, or 3 different ways of discussing the same subject, or ... just about anything. The important thing here is not to blend between them too much.
-Don't be afraid to play with elision (cutting out letters and replacing them with apostrophes). For example, "of the" becomes "o'th' " (pronounced uhth), and saves a syllable


EDIT: Altered the last quatrain, it's EEFF now, because it switches characters :D

[Blambo]

Awesome idea! Here's mine:

Limbo

Stumble in the darkness, weary of death
Humble in the darkness, make no bold step
Sticky air, I won't dare to breathe one breath
Life clutched in my arms, so carefully kept

I have questions, all without question marks
Reveal yourself, truth. Do not elude me!
Illuminate! Do not hide in the dark!
Statements more like query and hopeless plea

Puzzles solved, lives taken, the end in sight
Wit has terminated this damnéd plight!
Tumbling right, not even gravity fights!
Rumbling might, the Limbo steals all the light

Stumble in the darkness, I come again
Humble in the darkness, there is no end

I went into an unholy CCCC rhyme scheme in the third quatrain. Shakespeare turns in his grave.

[mysteriosum]

Limbo

Stumble in the darkness, weary of death
Humble in the darkness, make no bold step
Sticky air, I won't dare to breathe one breath
Life clutched in my arms, so carefully kept

I have questions, all without question marks
Reveal yourself, truth. Do not elude me!
Illuminate! Do not hide in the dark!
Statements more like query and hopeless plea

Puzzles solved, lives taken, the end in sight
Wit has terminated this damnéd plight!
Tumbling right, not even gravity fights!
Rumbling might, the Limbo steals all the light

Stumble in the darkness, I come again
Humble in the darkness, there is no end

Nice coda!

I went into an unholy CCCC rhyme scheme in the third quatrain. Shakespeare turns in his grave.

Ooh, I'm sure he'd be just fine with it. You even got some 'C's inline, for great assonance!

[Evan Balster]

To The Moon

Called to aid a dying man who'd left something undone,
We dragged and plugged and tapped on our machines.
Our place, you see, is making second chances for someone
Who's left unworked the designs of his dreams.

This puzzling person's wish was simple -- venture to the moon.
But when we asked him why, a shrug!  'Twas not something he knew.
His eyes, they burned with passion still, his course as sure as death.
We pledged he'd live this other life before his final breath.

We crossed the limn 'twixt mind and matter, peered into his memory,
From present and back to his early days.
To witness from within and understand what made the man he be,
And how we'd send his life another way.

This line of work is not for all, for intimate we touch
The lives of other human folk; their feelings weigh so much..!

[mysteriosum]

New one, about Binding of Isaac:

I made a game about my basement, look!
It’s scary, so I don’t like going down,
But now I wrote the rules down in my book,
I’ll face the fears I find while underground.

I’m seeing things I didn’t know were there,
That long forgotten are, since I was cold and bare.
Well now I’m bare once more; these evil things
Infest my mind, each one a nightmare brings.

I found my Max’s head, Guppy’s dead too,
And knives, and bugs, and Mom’s get-ready stuff.
I found Dad’s keys and belt. Dad, where are you?
I have to work on it, it still is pretty rough.

Before, when looked I at the chest, I cried
The game will give me strength to look inside.

[Mchapuis]

To The Moon

Called to aid a dying man who'd left something undone,
We dragged and plugged and tapped on our machines.
Our place, you see, is making second chances for someone
Who's left unworked the designs of his dreams.

This puzzling person's wish was simple -- venture to the moon.
But when we asked him why, a shrug!  'Twas not something he knew.
His eyes, they burned with passion still, his course as sure as death.
We pledged he'd live this other life before his final breath.

We crossed the limn 'twixt mind and matter, peered into his memory,
From present and back to his early days.
To witness from within and understand what made the man he be,
And how we'd send his life another way.

This line of work is not for all, for intimate we touch
The lives of other human folk; their feelings weigh so much..!

nice!! :D I love it (by the way, I'm not Travis, I have the same logo that's it  )

[mysteriosum]

Here's another, this time for A Link to the Past:


An angel in my dream doth sing to me;
She needs my help, so I will not give in,
I have no doubt that it's my destiny
To be the hero, just this once, I'll win.

If they should try to crush me, eat me whole,
Surprise me, drown me, throw me down a hole,
No matter how the road seems dark ahead,
I'll fight until my eyes see only red.

The wizard, monster, bane that haunts my dream,
The cause of all this chaos and malaise,
He'll find I'm not so weak as I may seem,
And I'll oppose him till the end of days.

It seems to me I've had this dream before,
Methinks I always will, forever more.


Any thoughts/comments?

[Evan Balster]

Since you asked...

An angel in my dream doth sing to me;
She needs my help, so I will not give in,
I have no doubt that it's my destiny
To be the hero, just this once, I'll win.

This one is good, except it breaks iambicism in the third line --
i HAVE no DOUBT that IT'S MY DEStinY

Removing the contraction gives you "it is", which can be worked with --
i HAVE no DOUBT that IT is DEStinY

If they should try to crush me, eat me whole,
Surprise me, drown me, throw me down a hole,
No matter how the road seems dark ahead,
I'll fight until my eyes see only red.

Good meter here, but rhyming "whole" with "hole" doesn't work and also feels a bit forced.  If you're short on ideas, a few of mine: whole/stole/soul, "eat me live"/hive/knives/thrive/survive.

The wizard, monster, bane that haunts my dream,
The cause of all this chaos and malaise,
He'll find I'm not so weak as I may seem,
And I'll oppose him till the end of days.

It seems to me I've had this dream before,
Methinks I always will, forever more.

Good rhyme and rhythm here, and you're not compromising with storytelling to achieve them.

On the whole, good sonnet.  

[mysteriosum]

Thanks for the input! ^_^

An angel in my dream doth sing to me;
She needs my help, so I will not give in,
I have no doubt that it's my destiny
To be the hero, just this once, I'll win.

This one is good, except it breaks iambicism in the third line --
i HAVE no DOUBT that IT'S MY DEStinY

Removing the contraction gives you "it is", which can be worked with --
i HAVE no DOUBT that IT is DEStinY

Good observation, but in fact, the break in the iambic is intentional. The repeated stressed syllables are meant to show the firmness in his belief - and, it's reflected in the lines before and after (The first line, he's still sleepy, so the iambic is normal ). I will add more, though, to make it clearer:

she NEEDS MY HELP, so I WILL NOT give IN
i HAVE NO DOUBT that IT's MY DEStiNY
to BE HER HEro, JUST THIS ONCE, i'll WIN

If they should try to crush me, eat me whole,
Surprise me, drown me, throw me down a hole,
No matter how the road seems dark ahead,
I'll fight until my eyes see only red.

Good meter here, but rhyming "whole" with "hole" doesn't work and also feels a bit forced.  If you're short on ideas, a few of mine: whole/stole/soul, "eat me live"/hive/knives/thrive/survive.

Ach, yeah, I didn't notice that. It is pretty awful. Will rethink.

Here's a reviewed version (I added some assonance and alliteration!):

A seraph in my sleep doth sing to me;
She needs my help, so I will not give in.
I have no doubt that it's my destiny
To be her hero, just this once, I'll win.

If they should try to crush me, eat me whole,
Entrance me, stab me, grab me, trap my soul,
No matter how the road seems dark ahead,
I'll fight until my eyes see only red.

The wizard, monster, bane that haunts my dream,
The cause of all this chaos and malaise,
He'll find I'm not so weak as I may seem,
And I'll oppose him till the end of days.

It seems to me I've had this dream before,
Methinks I always will, forever more.

While I was stuck, this is what I came up with for the last quatrain. It's funny, I think:

The wizard, monster, bane that haunts my dreams,
Can only fight me in a couple ways,
And after he'll need lots of balms and creams,
To heal his wounds it will take many days.

[mysteriosum]

I guess, a first draft; I tried to do something with this (notably, mentioning the names of all the crew), but I don't know how well it turned out... any comments?

VVVVVV

A new dimension: maybe we can learn -
Veridian, What is going on?
Teleporter flash and now I'm gone;
Voilet, point the way for me to turn.

I've got no choice except to find 'em out.
Vermillion helps explore and look about.
This place is hostile, look at all the spikes,
Vetillary will find something he likes

This again - this nowhere place, all this grey...
Verdigris, please fix the ship, find a way!
A shiny! Now I have to get me back.
Victoria does for these things have a knack.

At last, the knowledge we will need, I think,
To bring our home dimension from the brink.