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[mysteriosum]

Hello writing forum!

So Indie Speed Run happened, and though we didn't see it coming, produced a visual novel. Also a space shooter.



I would love to have some feedback from y'all. It's the first time I've tried writing anything in this format.

I wrote all the dialogue in 48 hours, but don't let that hold back your criticism. Anything you remark is useful

Thanks a lot!
-mysteriosum

PS there's bugs and only some of them are intentional <_<

EDIT: PPS I'm looking specifically for feedback on the writing in case that wasn't clear ^_^;

[Evan Balster]

Immediate criticisms:

- In a few places, I had only one dialogue option that suggested a specific feeling about the character's dialogue, which diverged from my own.  Specifically "Badass." in the first one.

- The nature of the reincarnation choice is unclear, in several cases.  Most particularly the black spot.  Also, I reincarnated one character as a platypus and it said I'd made him into a veal cow.


General impressions:

I like how things inter-related increasingly as the game went on.  The metafiction bit seemed weak, though, and the ending didn't make a goddamn lick of sense.  (I was killed by the Tarasque and booted back to the menu)

[mysteriosum]

Thanks for playing!  Your feedback is most helpful.

Anything else, specifically about the writing? Characters, dialogue choices?

Dialogue is something I'm going to keep putting in my games, since I consider it sort of a speciality of mine (I'm a playwright). I'd like to know what you guys think to hone my craft.

[Evan Balster]

My main recommendation as you move forward would be to consider the wide variety of feelings and inclinations players might have in a given situation.  Game dialogue is an expressive system, and the player might feel a little alienated if the options given are in conflict with how they'd like to express themselves.

In stories with strongly-defined characters this isn't as much of an issue, as the player is acting within the "bounds" of that personality.  But here, I can't help but imagine the judge is me.  I begin playing that part, only to run into something that suggests that I'm incorrect.

[mysteriosum]

I see exactly what you mean. Thanks a lot

[mysteriosum]

Rebirth 2 was chosen as a finalist! Woot! Check it out here: http://www.indiespeedrun.com/devsite/?p=48&option=com_wordpress&Itemid=17

[adganong]

writing was solid, i'm not sure if I missed it, but it would be nice if there was more of a direction towards what they should be reincarnated as, i kind of felt as if i was just going somewhere with no reward nor punishment for what MY choices were in the game. Also, a bit of an aside, soundtrack was interesting, and I am not sure if you recorded yourself, but there is a high pitched squeak in it... fix it please! Quite the nuisance, I stopped about halfway through just because it annoyed me

Well done though

[mysteriosum]

Yeah we did record it ourselves... I would have fixed it but we didn't have time! Our sound guy did his best, it was worse before

Thanks for your feedback