No Man's Sky

The year is 2020.

Star Citizen has been released today. You were at work, so you could't download it immediately, but it killed you to know what the game is like. You can barely hold yourself back from clocking out form your cubicloffice, as your boss likes to call them, and go home to gaze upon the promised Ultimate Video Game Experience^tm. The seconds pass, then the minutes and lastly the few agonizing hours. You have done nothing all day, and neither have any of your colleagues who are glued to their Youtube Twich Streams where barely charismatic hosts are improvising themselves reporters to talk about the game. They are attempting to find out as much as possible about the game before playing it. Not you. You have decided to experience the game as it was meant to be played, from the beginning, not like all these infidels plebs to gaming that would soil the sacred experience of playing a game without any spoilers.

Finally, the clock rings. You get up so fast that your chair sticks to your well endowed bottom. You do not care about this however, as you struggle to shuffle your butt as fast as possible to your car, parked in the nearest handicap spot you could find this morning. You sit your chair on your car seat, start the car engine and drive your car wheels right home, breaking every known driving law of your glorious country, the US of A. You do not care that you are now in hot pursuit by at least 150 police officers, the CIA and all the major news outlets, who conspicuously avoid calling you a terrorist even though you've intentionally driven right in the middle of a children's park.

You arrive home. Your heart is pounding right out of your chest. Your eyes drool in excitement at the thought of finally playing Star Citizen. You get inside, barricade yourself knowing that your have a supply of food for at least a decade, and turn on your computer. You can hear the police trying to smash down your door. You ignore them and put on your Razor^tm headset and blast the opening theme of SAO to drown them out. You start downloading the game. It takes at least two days, which the police have used to commission packs of C4 from the local fireworks shop. They are evacuating the neighborhood and are threatening to blow up your house if you do not come out. You can tell from their voice that they are visibly shaken up. You ignore their banter and start the game. At this point your eyes no longer have pupils and instead have the very distinct swirl that animes usually put on the glasses of their nerdy awkward characters. You fingers are shaking so much that you can feel the can of Fanta in your hands combust from the pressure it is accumulating.

The title screen shows up, you scream. The game is connecting to the internet, You shout and puke. The game starts a cinematic that lasts about an hour and a half, explaining the very detailed setting and the excuse they made up to forgo physics in favor of lightspeed travel. Your screen then starts flashing violently as it spawns your main character, who looks like a discount brand of artichoke mixed with the aesthetic of 1920's car color architecture. You put your hand on the keyboard and mouse, appreciating their Chinese plastic Steelseries quality, and take a moment to appreciate that without this company, you would be utterly unable to experience gaming to its fullest. With the image of you kissing their CEO still fresh in your small brain, you start playing the game, which instructs you to go collect a billion carbon ores and a zillion crystal minerals from he mine of mineria, the planet where all mining companies mine their mines and mind their own business. You do so happily, knowing that these time consuming tasks are in the end worth it because the game is holding hostage something that you desperately want. It's exactly like work!

Once you are done, it then asks you to build a spaceship with all the acquired materials. You open your crafting menu, look for fifteen minutes in the list of craftable items, and finally select the grayed out option for building the very specific model of potato shaped ship, named the Spud Citizen^tm ver 1.352-98765432654. The crafted ship then automatically takes you to a space station that is orbiting a nearby star. The star is only nearby on a galactic scale obviously you uncultured swines. Once you board the station, you see the receptionist who's clevage is blatantly exposed for your pleasure, but is totally not a side effect of the predominantly patriarchal society that rules the planet, and is obviously an artiiistic choice like come on you guys don't you know this already having gone to art school and whatnot? She informs you that your big space adventure is about to start. She takes you to one of those giant rotating space cylinders that are obviously a practical way of emulating earth's gravity even though a structure like this is unlikely to be able to support both the pressure of an atmosphere and the centrifugal force of its own rotating frame. She takes you to your home, which is a small apartment on the side of a busy highway, just like yours. She then informs you that you will be working for a corporation called Billion Carbon for not a Billion Bucks. You will be sitting at a Cubicloffice crunching numbers on a 1980s style retro computer, because obviously emulating worse technology in a game is an aesthetic, right? She then announces that you will be playing the best game ever conceived from now on, "Star Citizen". You realize that the game has played you like a fool, and that you've been tricked into playing the worst game in the world, Your own life. You fall down on the floor, crying like a baby, the chair from work still very embedded between your ass cheeks.

The police detonate the C4, your apartment complex lifts off into space, where you immediately die due to the lack of oxygen. In the end, you will always be, a Star Citizen^tm.