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DragonStar
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« on: December 30, 2013, 03:05:53 PM »

I'd be grateful for some insight into a writing conundrum.  I'm writing a tactical rpg with a linear storyline based around a prophecy (which the characters should only come to understand once it has already passed). Prophecies are cliched plot devices, so I'm building the explanation for how and why the prophecy even exists into the story. I want the prophecy to seem like it means something, without being able to tell what it means. So my question is, does the prophecy below seem cohesive and of import, if the details could be understood? Or does it seem like complete jibberish?

To arm you so you can answer the question, here is a backstory. The world of Aeronthrall used to be one continent. Three giants -- Chalcedon the frost giant who wields a hammer, Rubis the flame giant who wields a sickle, and Lucuul the wind giant who wields a sling -- mauraded across the world. They caused chaos and magic, and had children who in turn became humans. The humans fought the three giants, wresting away their weapons.  They reduced the giants through magic and used Lucuul's sling to throw the giants to separate corners of the world.  They also slung the hammer and sickle across the world.  This began the rending of the world into continents.

Lucuul's mind was trapped in a magic prison and she has been dormant ever since, dreaming to herself as long as the Spell Keepers keep their singing vigil. They have done so for thousands of years. The Spell Keepers also sacrifice one of their own to be a dreamer, who uses her mind to keep Lucuul's at bay. This dreamer often cries out in her sleep, and the Spell Keepers record the jibberish.  At three points in the past, the dreamer has uttered cohesive words which form the three prophesies.  Two have come to pass. This is the third, known as the Candle Prophecy.

A
candle
raised in
frost's breath,
bearing the eye
of Chalcedon,
shall wake
the
Fathers.

A candle
drawn to frost
draws frost's first
breath, bearing the
eye of Chalcedon
to the eye of
Chalcedon.

A candle
flickers in
frost's first breath.
The eye of Chalcedon
meets
the eye of Chalcedon.
The candle speaks
only breath.

A
candle
awakens
the unhearing.
The unhearing flee.
Candle flees the flight
of the unhearing.
Candle burns
bright.

The unhearing hear no more.

Children
find the candle.
The candle speaks
only breath.
The children
hear and wail.

The Hammer unfalls.

Children
speak the candle's
breath and bear the
eye of Chalcedon
to the hand
of Rubis.

A candle
burns under water.
A Hammer rouses the heavens.
The hand of Rubis falls open.
It holds the Hand
of Rubis.

Children
speak the
cries of heaven
and bear the eye of
Chalcedon to
the hands of
Rubis.

A candle hears
fire's first breath.
A candle wails
to the children.
The children tremble.
The heavens tremble.
The candle trembles.

A
candle burns
across the water.
Dragging the children
and the Fathers
in its wake.

A
candle
raised in
breathing frost,
roused in flame's breath,
with the breath of frost and
the breath of flame at its back,
surrounded by the wails of children,
shall bear the eye of Chalcedon and the
Fist of Rubis and the Hammer to the Sisters.

When comes the eye of Chalcedon
to meet the eyes of the Sisters
the song shall be broken.
The fist and hammer
shall snare the net.
The long dream
of Lucuul
shall
die.
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Evan Balster
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« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2014, 12:08:06 AM »

It's pretty darn cryptic.  And intriguing.  But it feels repetitive.  As though nearly everything it says is said twice.
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DragonStar
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« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2014, 11:43:29 PM »

Thanks for taking a look.  All three of your observations (cryptic, intriguing, and repetitive) were by design. For example, "A candle drawn to frost draws frost's first breath, bearing the eye of Chalcedon to the eye of Chalcedon" refers to the main character discovering the frost giant, waking it, and looking into Chacedon's silver eye with his own silver eye.

I realize now that this is a really difficult question to pose and get feedback on in a forum when there is a whole world written around it that others are not privy to. I'll have to think carefully on how to incorporate this into the game.
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wccrawford
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« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2014, 05:59:58 AM »

It's also *really* long.  If I came across that in a book, I'd grown out loud and consider skipping it and getting on with the good parts.

If I came across it in a video game I *know* I'd skip it unless I absolutely needed to know the info to progress.  And then I'd probably just look it up on a forum instead.
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DragonStar
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« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2014, 04:26:09 PM »

An excellent point!  Thanks
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« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2014, 10:11:36 PM »

It reads like the solution to a puzzle in an adventure game: "Put eye in hand to open the door" or something similar.

If it doesn't have any primary utility besides lore, I would consider half it or make it even more abstract.
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DragonStar
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« Reply #6 on: January 06, 2014, 11:43:51 PM »

That's a good consideration: what is the point of the prophecy?

In Baldur's Gate, the prophecy was used basically to creep the player out.  And it worked.  "The Lord of Murder shall perish, but in his doom he shall spawn a score of mortal progeny. Chaos will be sown from their passage." 

In my game, the prophecy is not even fully known to the player until mid game, and it should give the answer for where to go for the end game.  I wanted it to be like a rack focus in film, where the words get clearer and clearer as time progresses.

At any rate, I'm not fully convinced that this needs to be part of the story.  But it has helped me work through the backstory.  I appreciate the feedback; it was really helpful.
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