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[Diejay]

*hugs Shackhal* Been there, done that. I hope it gets better. At least you have a good computer to work on now

Not that I want to complain but I do have my share of problems and could use a good hug... I've been struggling with anxiety and depression since my late teenage years and looking back, it sadly hasn't improved much. Can't work at my full potential, far from it, and feeling worse because of it. Can't find a therapist or doctor who will see me regularly, the only one who can at least give me a medical prescription lives 200km away. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do anymore. On the bright side of things, at least I'm still alive.

[baconman]

Excited. Scared (a little). Eager. Kind of exhausted, still.

Just finished enduring a 40-day stretch of working 12-17 hours a day, travelling another 3, and sleeping in the spaces in-between. Had a week and a half to rest/recover since then; and it's paid... fairly decently, but not entirely what it takes to get completely on my feet. This should be rectified rather soon however, because...

I just took a drug screen to begin working at the downtown Post Office in San Francisco (!!); and just about in time for GDC this year! :D Most likely, I'll be relocated (and housed) to accomodate.

I have a lot more codework before any projects are done, still; and I'm not sure if I'll have time to really focus on it. I'm also signing up on a "rookie's guide to downtown SF;" I was there for GDC last year, but only because I slept in my car at Golden Gate Park, and migrated to Moscone Center by foot. So I know a bit of southern/southeast downtown and the avenues there, but I know there's more I should be aware of if I'm staying for any prolonged period.

Arcades? Bookstores? Bowling Alleys? DDR cabinets and the Killer Queen machine there? TIGSJams?

I'm gonna try to locate myself between the main Post Office there and Moscone Center; maybe somewhere that's a one-bus straight shot to each/both. Actual mileage may vary. Car got blow'd up; that's... a very long story really. It's been a 50+ hour JRPG, alright. I'm at the post-Disc-One-Final-Dungeon twist, it seems...

I hope you dweebs have been up to good lately. I've been missing you.

[Chris MacAdam]

I have just went through a break up with a girl I was with for four years, and am taking it very hard. I have been pretty depressed and haven't been able to find motivation to work on any of my projects in my free time when I am not working at my job.
The fact I am making no progress is not helping me get out of this slump.
Break ups are hard, give me virtual hugs.. 

[Manuel Magalhães]

sorry to hear that, hugs.

[FK in the Coffee]

I have just went through a break up with a girl I was with for four years, and am taking it very hard. I have been pretty depressed and haven't been able to find motivation to work on any of my projects in my free time when I am not working at my job.
The fact I am making no progress is not helping me get out of this slump.
Break ups are hard, give me virtual hugs.. 

Hope you feel better soon, man. Break-ups are always tough, especially with long-term relationships.

sending some hugs your way

[Chris MacAdam]

Thanks guys, I appreciate it! I know I will get through it.

[baconman]

Update.

I had to dip the SF position, it didn't pay what it took for me to live within my means there. I did, however, take a position in Redmond instead!!

Just got all set up, finally got some solid ground and a good connection, another of my good laptop that once got stolen... and live a 30 min walk from my job and about a 5-15 minutes away from all of the other vitals, besides maybe an arcade. And within 2 miles of Microsoft, Valve, and Nintendo of America. Not a bad tradeoff, if I do say.

I still miss my old communities - both in Bako and Portland now - but the probably-hardest chapter of my life is at a close.

[JWK5]

Time to dust off ye olde Human Hugs thread.

So my great grandmother (nearing 90) is no longer coherent and sees things that are not there and 90 percent of the time has no idea where she is or what is going on. She gets up at night and tries to take off, nearly caught her and my grandmother's place on fire several times, etc. She is no longer safe there in my grandmother's care, she needs the attention of around the clock medical staff. She needs to be put in a nursing home, for her own safety (we've tried offering to take care of her but she refuses to leave her home, refuses to go anywhere). My grandmother is not taking it well, she understandably feels guilty despite it not really being her fault. She herself has been trapped there unable to go anywhere because she can't leave my grandmother alone, with the only reprieve being when we or someone else comes over to stay with my great grandmother for a while. My grandmother has been depressed and going stir crazy.

The whole thing is such a clusterfuck. Other than us (my wife and I) not a whole lot of help is being given in the family. Sure, everyone has their reasons or excuses, but the thing is we've got a life and shit going on too but when you've got something this serious going on you make the time, you find a way, at the very least you do something, anything. It is beyond frustrating, disappointing, disheartening. My wife has gone through it, her grandmother died in her arms and prior to that it was a similar situation with her family either downplaying the state her grandmother was in or giving all the reasons and excuses for why they couldn't bother. So my grandmother is at least able to connect with her on it.

I, at least outwardly, am an emotionless robot. Because of early trauma I just don't generally express much emotion. It tends to make me handle difficult situations calmly on the outside even when it is killing me on the inside. I am usually the one saying "Don't worry, whatever you need I will be there." and then dealing with the fucked up shit people struggle to handle. I've been going over to my grandparents place once or twice a week at least to take out their trash, help with any difficult chores, socialize (because nobody else seems to find the time), etc. so I am invested, connected, attached and I do feel (on the inside) a lot of pain on this situation but I think most people look at me and just think I am breezing right through it unaffected. It really makes it hard because a lot of the time it means I won't get the support I need because everyone thinks I got it under control.

Like I said, the whole thing is a clusterfuck. I don't mean to bitch about it here but as I've mentioned above, I don't have a lot of support in that regard. I just needed to vent. If you are reading this and whether you comment or not, thank you for at least taking a moment to hear (read) me out. I appreciate it.

I'll get back to blowing TIGS up with doodles and tutorials and making a complete ass out of myself and whatnot once everything simmers down a bit.

[s0]

So my great grandmother (nearing 90) is no longer coherent and sees things that are not there and 90 percent of the time has no idea where she is or what is going on. She gets up at night and tries to take off, nearly caught her and my grandmother's place on fire several times, etc. She is no longer safe there in my grandmother's care, she needs the attention of around the clock medical staff. She needs to be put in a nursing home, for her own safety (we've tried offering to take care of her but she refuses to leave her home, refuses to go anywhere). My grandmother is not taking it well, she understandably feels guilty despite it not really being her fault. She herself has been trapped there unable to go anywhere because she can't leave my grandmother alone, with the only reprieve being when we or someone else comes over to stay with my great grandmother for a while. My grandmother has been depressed and going stir crazy.

The whole thing is such a clusterfuck. Other than us (my wife and I) not a whole lot of help is being given in the family. Sure, everyone has their reasons or excuses, but the thing is we've got a life and shit going on too but when you've got something this serious going on you make the time, you find a way, at the very least you do something, anything. It is beyond frustrating, disappointing, disheartening. My wife has gone through it, her grandmother died in her arms and prior to that it was a similar situation with her family either downplaying the state her grandmother was in or giving all the reasons and excuses for why they couldn't bother. So my grandmother is at least able to connect with her on it.

hey, guess what. i'm in the exact same boat right now. my grandma is currently in hospital and refuses to eat. living at home once she gets out is out of the question at this point. she's past the point where she can articulate anything coherent, so we have no idea what she wants and why she refuses to eat. dementia is terrible.

also it's actually a good thing that you and your wife are not taking care of your great grandma. trust me, i've been there. it's impossible to take care of a demented person without professional help and it'll get very draining very fast. we managed to hold out for several months with the help of a nurse (who we could afford thanks to medicare) and even with help it's still draining.

i don't have any other concrete advice, but anyway, hang in there!

[Schoq]

hugs to you both!

[_glitch]

*hugging all huggers*

[JWK5]

Whelp, she died.

My grandma found her dead on the floor at around 9:30am this morning, I got there about 10am (after having found out 10 minutes before then), about two hours after I made my post above. I don't know if that is irony or what it is, but fuck.

hugs to you both!

*hugging all huggers*

hang in there!

Thank you all.

[s0]

Whelp, she died.

My grandma found her dead on the floor at around 9:30am this morning, I got there about 10am (after having found out 10 minutes before then), about two hours after I made my post above. I don't know if that is irony or what it is, but fuck.

well shit.

Hugs

[JWK5]

In a moment of pure awkwardness, I'd helped the people from the funeral home carry her body out and one of them, who apparently was a pastor, pulls me aside and says he can tell I I like and care about people and I have a calling and all this and if I go for viewing the body at the funeral home he wants me to ask for him there so we can talk. The general gist of it is probably about seeing if I have an interest in becoming a chaplain or working with the funeral home.

I'll stick with art and games.

[s0]

wat a heck.

[ProgramGamer]

Uh, well, ignoring the whole thing about the creepy funeral home dude, Reeeally huge Hugs. Like seriously, I can't even imagine what that must be like.

[JWK5]

wat a heck.

That's pretty much what I thought too.

Uh, well, ignoring the whole thing about the creepy funeral home dude, Reeeally huge Hugs. Like seriously, I can't even imagine what that must be like.

In all fairness, it was less creepy and just more awkward than anything. Prior to him showing up with his staff, the chaplain that was there with my grandma when I arrived was away outside letting the family take a moment to grieve so went over to talk to him since he was just kind of stuck standing there in silence.

I was saying that I am not much of an emotional person outwardly I just try to focus on what I can do to help out in a given situation. He'd said that he actually sees it a lot where in the family there will be one or more people that are kind of the rock of the family that keep calm and handle things so that the others who are in shock can keep it together. He believed people are built for certain roles (I am not a religious person, but he said that's the way God planned us) and that a lot of times it is hard for people to understand that they function different than others because all these different people together make a group that is stronger. On some level, at least, it kind of makes sense. At the very least it makes me feel a little better about the times where I feel like I am just being an emotionless robot (which is fucking confusing because sometimes I am hyper-sensitive and primed to explode).

As for what it is like and handling the situation,Program Gamer, my wife (who has gone through it herself) put it the same way I felt it, when it happens you're just in the moment, it becomes less about knowing what to do than just doing because you'll basically find yourself on autopilot. In other words, should you ever find yourself there and as terrible as it may seem, you'll handle, you'll make it through, because really there is nothing else you can do.

[Slothmachine]

This thread warms my heart.

I am in front of a new beginning. But I feel so paralyzed. There is so much anger and regret that I should let go. But it is just so hard when you feel so betrayed.

I hate it when I know what I should do, but my feelings don't let me free.

Anyways, Human hugs to everyone

[rockingjohncarter]

One hugs you need. One love you need. 

[JWK5]

I've been kind of lurking lately. I'd recently been put on meds to reduce adrenaline in my body because apparently I am perpetually stuck in "fight or flight" mode and my body is constantly kicking out adrenaline. I am in a state of constant panic and distress.

My doctor suspects that is probably a major contributor to me being constantly stuck in a loop of starting something, then immediately starting something else, and then something else, and so on never able to finish anything and always been severely distracted. It is bad enough that it actually fatigues me and gives me migraines. If I stay on something too long, especially something with words and numbers (like programming) it starts to make less and less sense eventually becoming gibberish and I lapse into confusion and a dizzy euphoria.

This coupled with my neurologist believing I might be having silent seizures (where parts of my brain seize up for a few seconds at a time up to hundreds of times a day without me or anyone realizing) that cause me to "blank out" and lose short term memories (i.e. causing me not to store immediate events) has created a pretty hellish vicious circle I've unknowingly been living with my whole life.

So I am on a battery of meds treating anxiety, seizures, nerve pain, muscular pain, etc. and I feel weird. On one hand I feel that progressively I don't feel so tense and wound-up and physically I don't feel like my body is trying to rip itself apart as much, but on the other hand it is hard to break the bad habits developed over a lifetime of feeling like your a Sim in the game The Sims where the player is just randomly clicking on things and you're just going place to place frantically trying to keep up with the cursor. I still have the overwhelming urge to switch the game I am playing to something else 5 minutes in over and over, to start a new project 10-15 minutes in to one, etc. It is less a feeling of panic, though, and more a feeling of compulsion now. So think now it is just a matter of breaking old habits and doing my best to hang in there. It's not like it is all completely cured, the condition is still very much present, but I think I am at least able to push ahead and gain more ground now.

That is why I am kind of in lurk mode at the moment. I am just kind of in a state of weird feelings and I want to say things and post but it is like I don't know what to say or don't know what is worth saying. I've kind of hit a more analytical state of mind, a feeling like I just need to watch and observe (not just online but in general I've gotten quiet and contemplative). It just feels very strange, especially compared to how I felt all the time before where I just felt like there was always a guillotine above my head waiting to drop while I frantically balanced and juggled plates.

In any case, I've got a project that I hope to devlog soon. I hope that all these medical hoops I am jumping to will lead to a light at the end of the tunnel, that I can finally get at least some kind of stability in my life and in my mind. So yeah, that's where I am at now. Sorry for all the rambling and thanks if you manage to read my latest novel (this post) lol.