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[JobLeonard]

"Quite the conference" sounds kind of positive at least!

[oahda]

I would get so stressed out constantly keeping track every little detail like that.

[teefal]

Prinsessa, it's what I do for billable projects, scoping and tracking time on everything, so I do it on Tidepool too.  Yes, it's stressful, but I view time as money, so it's probably worth stressing over a bit.  Hours spent doing free stuff are hours I'm not making elsewhere.  I could do with less of this stress

As for Devoxx, it was a very serendipitous, affirming trip.  I got another free pass to a chatterbot/AI conference with VCs and industry luminaries across the street, so I basically went to two conferences at the same time, which would have cost me almost $2000 if I paid full price for both.

Short story is that I have dozens of new contacts, many of whom want to help pilot Tidepool and spread the word, but no, I didn't find that one magic partner with money to help finish.

As such, we're back on the shelf for now, and I'm broke.  Beginning to feel like I should go to Gamblers Anonymous (or Overly Optimistic Entrepreneurs Anonymous).

[JobLeonard]

I hope none of them steal you idea :/

[teefal]

30) five dollar bill

Yesterday I took a crisp well-folded five to the casino downtown. I'd carried it in my wallet a month, first to Silicon Valley to chat with strangers at two conferences, hoping against hope for a partner to share my dream. I came home disappointed.

Then I limped round the house for weeks with my hurt foot and Frankenstein boot, saving the five through many days without money. Often my daughter wanted to go out for ice cream or McDonalds, but I resisted spending the bill, keeping it for a higher purpose, some slim chance it might turn my luck around.

For it had become the casino bill, the initial bet of an imagined winning streak that could fund the rest of my project. We all have our superstitions I guess. Still I'm embarrased to say how often I thought of that five. Each time I balanced our checkbook, calculating how little we had to spend on groceries, I'd think of the five. Each morning as I woke with my worries, I'd think of the five. I knew it was irrational. It gave me hope anyway.

I'm not a gambler, as least not in the usual sense. I've lived ten minutes from a casino for years and bet only once, winning a cool hundred and leaving immediately. Frankly I get my thirsty fill of unwarranted risk from my day job. Running a business is a pro-level gamble, especially with a passion project crowding out the steady income.

So here I am, in the worst financial shape of my life, with our house crumbling and our daughter slowly forgetting what a real vacation feels like. I've the means to fill in the hole with a big billable project. The only price is that I give up my dream.

I wish I could express how this feels, this choice. I've tried it all ways. I've worked part-time and full-time. I've sprinted many stressful stretches, racing against our retreating bank balance, pushing myself incredibly, all alone.

And for my efforts, I have four reams of code, a $70,000 debt, and a chance to change the world. The only sure thing is that if I give up now, my years of work will mean nothing. But I no longer have a choice. Each stressful day has ticked down to zero. Tomorrow, for the first time, we can't pay our mortgage.

And so, with these worries running through me like a prison sentence, I finally drove over the mountain with my five dollar bill, convincing myself the money I need was waiting at the casino. I parked on the roof of the warm breezy garage and walked inside with a sense of destiny. I silently rode the elevator to the floor and walked past many people robotically feeding their own dream. I picked a slot machine, fed it my five, and pulled the lever over and over. With each pull, I willed a win.

When the five was gone, I drove home dejected. My gamble was a fantasy, and so too seemed all of it, my years of striving. What a foolish man I've been and yet very close to achieving something wonderful. No doubt, someone else will make their millions from the same idea, but not me. I've had my last spin.

[oahda]

Really sorry to hear this. Maybe it would be good to take some time off of this and just spend some time securing and saving up money from regular jobs, and then revisit this later. /: Or indeed just move on to something new—if you're sure you've had your last spin, I'm not going to try and convince you otherwise. You must do what's best for you, your family and your health.

In one sense going back to a day job not involving your "big dream" locks you up in this cycle, but not having to worry about money is somehow still freeing in a way. At least it got me a laptop recently so that I can take my personal stuff to the office and work on it during the lunch breaks, so that's something. Maybe you can find a similar "balance". Or maybe there's a different dream out there that you just have to discover.

Wish I'd been able to help out in a more real sense than just giving you my support, but of course I'm myself not in a situation to offer anything better. Best of luck!

[teefal]

Princessa, thank you for your kindness. You've been the best kind of help I could hope for, a consistent positive voice in a world with no time.

I'm open to everything except more of the same

[JobLeonard]

I'm sorry to hear that it ended like this. I hope that you'll at least find some sense of relief.

[io3 creations]

Ah, dreams ...   I know what you mean by feeling being so close, yet not knowing how close exactly you are.  Similarly to your situation, I'm also quite deep in chasing mine, but still have the "guidance" to keep going.  Whether or not I need to change direction will become clear soon.

Have you read "The Alchemist: A Fable About Following Your Dream" by Paulo Coelho? 

Maybe it's time to take a break and return to it later ~ whether in the same or some other form.  Since you've done a lot of work on it, finishing it up could be manageable as a hobby or vacation?  If you still have your dream later on, then that should give you an indication whether to chase it.

It was certainly apparent to me, but I don't remember if I mentioned it before, is that you certainly have a knack for writing.  Perhaps expanding in that area might a possibility.

Either way, hope you find what you need.

[foofter]

Sorry to hear that. It sounded like a cool idea. 

[teefal]

Thank you all.  This community has been a bright spot in my day for a good long while.

I plan to finish the current version (Alpha 4) when I find time, so at least there's that.  I'll keep the server running too. If ever I find the $15,000 to finish, I may block out some time and make a run for it.  We'll see.

And thanks for the kind words about my writing. That was the path not taken for me.  Some respected folks thought I should make a go at being a novelist, but I opted for money. Ironic

If you want more, the beginning of the Tidepool book has some good stuff:

http://blog.playtidepool.com/category/kismet-book/

[io3 creations]

And thanks for the kind words about my writing. That was the path not taken for me.  Some respected folks thought I should make a go at being a novelist, but I opted for money. Ironic

Indeed.   But who said that can't have a "calling" in multiple areas.

If you want more, the beginning of the Tidepool book has some good stuff:

http://blog.playtidepool.com/category/kismet-book/

Is the server down?  When I visited yesterday, I was able see the page but today can't.

[teefal]

io3, I've been having problems with the wordpress server (where the blog is located).  Spammer bot fun.  Just restarted it, so try again.

[teefal]

For those asking about my specific Tidepool plans, I’ll finish Alpha 4 when I can.

Beyond that I need $24k to continue.

[eyeliner]

Well, this was disheartening to read.

I wonder why ou chose to abandon the project instead of pushing it to the end on your free time, considering the colossal amount of time you spent the already.

A choice, possibly the hardest choice a passionate developer has to take was made and no one can criticise you.

Well, I'd like to read up on you and Tidepool one of these days.

[nathy after dark]

Seems interesting so I'll try and take a look at this more in depth later!

[nkm]

Sorry to hear, but you gave it your all. You cannot do more than that.

IMO gamedev is very much like going to the casino: the odds are very much against you.

10/10 for trying!