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Duninn
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« on: January 02, 2017, 08:06:52 PM »

Basically seeking critique on one of the first backstories I have written for a game. Basically someone had a game idea and I am trying to expand upon his universe. First I created the backstory below, but I seek to bring out the true lore of the game from encounters and exploration. The game itself is in essence a survival game, post apocalypse. Thanks in advance!

Story:
The world was in turmoil, and war seemed imminent. The nations of the world prepared for the destruction that war could bring, but they could not prepare for what would actually transpire. As the armies marched on the eve of battle, the world began to tremble; slightly at first until the very ground thrashed and caved beneath their feet. Whole armies were consumed by the catastrophe as it unfolded. The Earth was dying. It's core had cracked, causing global destabilization. Cities burned, civilizations were lost; mankind now faced extinction. War was no longer any concern, only survival.

The Earth had become a warped and twisted version of its former self. Parts of it fractured and broke into space, filling the skies above. Other parts collapsed inward, creating massive sinkholes that devoured entire countries. Magma now gushed from the earth, replacing the calm springs of water that once supported life. New energies erupted from the Earth's core; previously unknown to man. These volatile energies were new sources of toxic elements that not only transformed the landscape, but the animals that once inhabited it. The denizens of Earth now faced unfamiliar and deadly terrain.

Many species were unable to adapt to the new volatile landscapes, dying out in droves. But others were more resourceful, adapting and even mutating into something new, something dangerous. The dreaded Noxious Cur is one such creature. Canine DNA has forever been altered, a result from eating contaminated meat. They grew larger, meaner, and extra appendages. Most notably a second head; often used to maim and capture their victims. Another resident of this wasteland is the dreaded Screaming Horror. No one knows how this ungodly creature came to be, but most speculate it's an amalgamation of people who were huddled in fear on Day 0. (Day 0 is the day the Earth changed). Whatever it is, it now roams the night hunting for victims to absorb into its grotesque form. Few have seen it, but many have heard it's blood curdling screams that echo through the night.

As governments perished so did any laws or regulations that governed the survivors. Chaos broke out, populations began to implode; fighting over resources and territories. From the ashes of society Gangs emerged. These groups of lawless men and women now roam the land, guarding their respective territories and punishing those that defy their laws. Each one has different agendas and intentions. Some gangs are vigilantes fighting for justice; to protect the innocents in these arduous times. Others are groups of murderers and thieves, who only seek personal gain. These gangs are not afraid to spill blood, and they don't need a reason to either.

But fear not, for you are not alone. Many have banded together to create Safe Zones throughout the the world, areas designated to restore peace and stability. Trade prospers here and many have found a new home within them. These areas offer mankind a new hope; one that shows their resiliency and could secure them a new future. While these areas offer a haven for survivors, they are not without their faults. They need constant power and water to function, and must be defended from the hordes of enemies that seek to destroy what has been built.

The world has changed, but that doesn't mean you have to. From the ashes of the chaos an opportunity has arisen, a chance for a new life and a future of your own choosing. Can you master the terrain and the creatures that inhabit it, or will you fall? Will you help to protect and liberate the people, or to oppress and defile what they have built? How will you choose to survive?
« Last Edit: January 19, 2017, 07:09:15 AM by Duninn » Logged
Kurlansk
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« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2017, 02:05:08 AM »

Hey

Some good ideas here, would be good to know if this is being read anywhere by players or if this is literally just for background info for the writing development. If players will be reading it probably needs some editing and tightening up a bit (happy to help).

I would also say think a bit more about the names of your creatures. Hellhounds have been in Runescape and Night Terror is a dragon in How to Train Your Dragon. Might be an idea to come up with something a bit more original?

Also I am not clear as to whether the war caused the end of the earth or if war had broken out because the earth was dying? I would like to know more about what led up to the end of the earth with more details around the war/ build up. Who was fighting? How were the factions divided? Are any loyalties remaining post apocalypse? I think we need to know more about the world before so we can really imagine the devestation of the world we see. Think about fallout and the details and hints they use to create a fill picture of the world that was destroyed.

You also probably need a less detailed and more concise description if the post-apocolypse world. They less details you give me, the more horrific it will seem in my imagination (if that makes sense?).

Hope that helps!
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Duninn
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« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2017, 10:37:05 AM »

Fair enough. Honestly, I imagined perhaps a minor cutscenes before first playthrough or perhaps a cinamatic that plays before you even play the game. I planned to expand the story more, including the source of the Earth's demise as you discovered the world via an "exploration journal". Basically as you explore the world and fight creatures and meet gangs, the journal would slowly reveal more about said NPCs and landscapes.

Far as names goes, they can be changed. Never watched those movies or played RuneScape, thought of those off my head but never finalized them.

And for description, it can be toned down, but, maybe just describe what happened to the earth and let the landscapes speak for themselves and revealed in exploration journal.

Thanks for the feedback thus far, really appreciate it.

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Kurlansk
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« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2017, 11:09:21 AM »

I think that the various ways of telling the story sound good. I love discovering lore in games, so your exploration journal sounds like a great idea. If you wanted any feedback on actual text the player will read I am happy to help further.

Sorry if I sounded a bit blunt initially, it was morning and I was low on caffeine so I wasn't being particularly tactful. I think you've got some great ideas I would love to hear how it all pans out!

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Duninn
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« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2017, 12:59:21 PM »

NP. Been thinking on the name changes I could rework for the two. I may rename HellHounds into Noxious Curs, giving them a poisonous bite as well that could apply a DOT to players. As for Night Terrors, I was thinking of either Twilight Horrors or maybe Screaming Terrors as the main thing is you will hear a horrific scream from them, even at a long distance.
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Kurlansk
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« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2017, 06:02:31 AM »

I really like the new names. Please keep me posted, i'd really like to hear how it pans out. Feel free to PM me if you need any further advice.

 Smiley
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Duninn
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« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2017, 06:48:54 AM »

I really like the new names. Please keep me posted, i'd really like to hear how it pans out. Feel free to PM me if you need any further advice.

 Smiley

Will do, thanks. I think today I am going to try to post a game idea with a back story and prologue to get some criticism as well.
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Doubtful_Profit
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« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2017, 09:01:25 PM »

Some good ideas here, would be good to know if this is being read anywhere by players or if this is literally just for background info for the writing development. If players will be reading it probably needs some editing and tightening up a bit
Fair enough. Honestly, I imagined perhaps a minor cutscenes before first playthrough or perhaps a cinamatic that plays before you even play the game.


I agree...and this may be nit-picking and not what you were looking for...If so, forgive me.

You do a good job of finding synonyms to keep the word flow unique (although I do think you use "fractured" and variants of "mutating" too many times in such close proximity), but I think you reiterate descriptions a little to much...

Quote
The denizens of this broken planet were now faced with unfamiliar terrain.


You've already clearly established that the world is broken, so I don't think you need to illustrate that again. it lengthens it out but doesn't really provide anything new to the scene.


Quote
Many species were unable to adapt to the new toxic and radioactive landscapes...


Again, I'd pick either toxic or radioactive, but I don't think both are needed. Etc.


That's kind of the main thing that jumped out to me when I read it...I don't know if that's at all what you were looking for, if not then again, forgive me. Tongue

It sounds like an interesting concept though, and you've got some really cool elements at play here! Keep it up and keep us informed! Smiley
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Duninn
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« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2017, 05:49:57 PM »

Appreciate the feedback, and good points. I need to work on my writing to reduce redundancy as much as possible. If I had to chose I would chose toxic, as that type of environmental hazard is not used often.

Thanks again!
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Doubtful_Profit
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« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2017, 12:26:19 AM »

Not a problem, Hope it was helpful! Smiley

Yeah, I would choose toxic too Wink
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Duninn
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« Reply #10 on: January 19, 2017, 07:09:52 AM »

updated it, though project is probably already dead. Just trying to improve on it and my writing skill.
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