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1361981 Posts in 63512 Topics- by 55392 Members - Latest Member: SeanWallaceArt

June 25, 2019, 02:47:05 AM

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TIGSource ForumsCommunityTownhallForum IssuesArchived subforums (read only)CreativeWritingSeeking critique on writing style and dialogue - edited
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Author Topic: Seeking critique on writing style and dialogue - edited  (Read 540 times)
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« on: January 05, 2017, 08:37:10 PM »

Edit*: Replied with segment of document for ease of read and so not as dependant on Google doc.

Edit2*: In the process of redrafting all of the prologue, not from feedback but I just want more detail. More detail on the level, atmosphere, lighting, characters, everything. So probably going from 4 pages to 10+.

So I always desire more advice to help me become a better writer. Right now I have a certain flow that is apparent in all my works, but I don't have as much experience as I would like in dialogue. Posted below will be a reply with part of a writing and a link that takes you to a document I wrote yesterday based off a game idea I had. I am not asking you to comment on the game itself per se, more on my writing style and dialogue. Any pointers appreciated, and if you want to comment on the game go for it. Thanks in advance!

I am posting a link to the document due to the fact it is nearly 4 pages long and don't want a large intro paragraph.

« Last Edit: January 08, 2017, 06:27:36 AM by Duninn » Logged
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« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2017, 08:05:01 AM »

Here is a section of my writing for those that don't wish to mess with Google docs.

The next cutscene features the player constantly fading in and out of consciousness as doctors work on him. The girl stands by the player’s side the whole time, yelling at the doctors “You have no idea what is at stake, don’t let him die.” She notices you are awake and walks over. “Just hold on. You saved my life, now I’m going to save yours.” The player goes unconscious again and the next time he is awake he sees the girl yelling at the doctors “I don’t care how he looks, I only care that he can….” before she can finish he falls unconscious again. Finally the player awakens, in a dark room. He is on a hospital bed, machines surround him. The room itself is half destroyed and covered in dust; clearly an abandoned building. As the player looks around he can find a hand mirror to interact with. Pressing the action button will cause him to grab it and look into it. The player is shown a mutilated face, skin missing, flesh and muscle exposed, and missing an eye. The player then throws the mirror as the girl walks in.

“I see you’re awake. Sorry about the face, we focused on saving your life, not making a beauty pageant contestant. Don’t worry, we can conceal it if you’d like.” She throws a mask to you. You hold it with both hands, examining it. It looks mechanical in nature, but menacing at the same time. As you begin to slide it onto your face before it suddenly makes a grinding noise and begins to attach it your skull. The player screams in anguish, but as he does lights begins to flicker on the screen. The mask activates, fusing with his skull and nerves. It restores his lost vision, and begins to display his vitals for him to see. The player looks at the girl

Player: “Wha..what have you done to me?”

Girl: “Given you a second chance. A chance to live, and a chance for revenge. You should be thanking me, but I suppose this makes us even.”

Player: “I wouldn’t know who to thank anyway. I get the feeling you didn’t save me to pay me back. What do you want with me?”

Lilith: “I want the same thing you do. I want revenge, against Enzo and Fabel. I want a society where people can live in peace. You can call me Lilith. And what should I call my savior?”
Player: “It...it doesn’t matter what you call me. My past means nothing now. I don’t belong here, or anywhere. Everyone I believed in has betrayed me. I don’t want revenge, so look else where.”

The player stands up and begins to walk out of the room. Lilith stands in front of him and punches him in the face.

Lilith: “JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE AN OUTCAST DOESN’T MEAN WE DON’T NEED YOUR HELP! Just listen! You know more about Enzo and Fabel than anyone else. We need your help. I don’t care that you were betrayed or how you feel. If you want something to believe then follow your ideals not others! Are you just going to forsake the people you fought to protect, or will you stand and fight to protect them?!

Player: “An outcast huh? You’re right. I’m an outcast. So why should I help those that have Forsaken me? Why should I give a damn what happens to them!”

Lilith: “Because it’s who you are. They may have taken your name, your face, and even your life But they can’t take your ideals. So are you going to continue to lament, or will you do what is needed Outcast?
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