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[Pfotegeist]

Truth. I'm not as smart as I think I am. That actually comes as a relief. My subconscious has stopped cramming ideas out like my life depended on it. All that follows is also truth. Only anyone who's not on my payroll felt confident they could take a piece of me, my time, my health, my social memory that apparently lasts forever I have to draw on for social interaction. So, god or not, these are the people I've killed the memory of. They said this at the mental hospital: not everyone can be saved. I've messed up the title, people who can read will be saved.

The reality is the hospital system of 2020 appeared to take as many actions as possible to give me diabetes and brain damage in the past year while teaming up with the police who responded to a concerned troll stomping on my bedroom ceiling.

While they had time to observe me at the hospital the immediate conclusion should have been that I was waking up too early, and simply needed melatonin at night to recover my internal clock.

They concluded that I should be given antipsychotics, despite being symptom negative for any mental disorder other than (being too friendly) well fuck you I'm back to normal. Known to cause weight gain, metabolic disorders, and other complications, the medical asshats want to say uhh, "any disease caused by medicine is ok". Aren't USA's doctors just a disease caused by the importance of recovering money lost on researching useless medicine?

Anyways, about 3 months after starting the medication and no doctors would talk with me. My mom got a chance to move, good. She had the choice of how we'd move and she said 1 week. I was told I had to help while my body was immobilized. "Uh, why was it immobilized" you might think. Well you see, a complete serotonin cutoff is the primary function of antipsychotics. I was not getting any additional sleep. And I have a massive injury that the remaining stress hormones in my body are trying to manage, which the medication is trying to shut down.

So anyways, fast forward to today, I got off the medicine a year ago and with my hormones flying into a complete frenzy I pressed my spine and shoulder back into position, I started exercising and I'm about 20 pounds heavier with a ridiculous weight gain of 30 pounds from... what I determined to be excess cortisol production. I couldn't come up with anything creative to write because of the temporary changes, and this is the most creative thing I've written all year. Instead of work I've been coming up with many technical ways to understand how the body works.

So it turns out the biggest complication to "strength" is tendon strength. After some time, not sure why, tendons have fewer blood vessels, and rely on use to stay functional. Sedentary child is not the same as a sedentary adult, because of this difference, a kid will not injure themselves trying something new or taking a severe blow (except maybe if they're very fat), because tendons remain lubricated.

Actually just by moving my joints around every day for a couple weeks I felt a lot different.  However, I did a stretching motion that compresses my abdomen and bruised, idk, the fat, the bone, obviously the medicine caused me to become obscenely fat and certain parts of my body wouldn't even move for months.

I slept about 3 hours last night and I feel ok. Maybe every 3 days I get 6 - 8 hours of sleep. But it's taken this long for me to return to a semi-normal way to think logically.

If someone's curious what antipsychotics are like, look up a labotomy. It's basically that, you lose your sense of self then the doctor tells you to sign papers, and your hormones stop regulating until you get off the medicine, if ever, then you relive childhood. For a short while I paid attention to my forearm muscles too, very reminiscent of my middle-school years.

Oh yeah, so I was feeling sociable, for about 4 weeks when my brain had shut off and I returned to monke. But that was obviously a sign of a severe trauma and I lost even the ability to entertain myself with regular thoughts.  But whenever someone paid by the state asked in the past year "have you had severe trauma" I say "you know what I've been through recently" they outright say it doesn't count. Obviously, they want a stereotypical trauma in your childhood, not the ones caused by the system, or the incident that sent you to the hospital.

So, what medications are school shooters taking?

Maybe that was out of line. But here's the most damning thing. I was pretty much open to any option to get the poison they gave me in the hospital out of my system, but it was almost like it was designed to torture anyone that tried. I ended up switching to a version that made it impossible to sit still for five minutes, and the torture of pacing all day seemed greater than the explosive weight gain that came right after.

[Pfotegeist]

So what matters really, health-wise.

Maintainance:

Move all muscles once each day to maintain tendon strength.
Do an exercise that torques your spine, engaging the obliques. If you can't go outside moving your upper body left and right does work.
Do an exercise that engages your back and abs. Stretching your back, sit-ups, crunches.

Muscle build:
Do leg exercise. Do some other exercise focused on eccentric motion.

Stress response:

Cortisol will make you gain weight, if you're going for muscle, it will work against you. If you are overweight you should understand how cortisol works.

Basic rule of thumb is to exercise less than 50 minutes in one session to avoid excess cortisol promotion. I'm starting to experiment with this.

[Tid]

Jeez pfotegeist you've had a hell of a time of it.

[Pfotegeist]

I may have done some of my best programming to date before getting really tilted

I didn't want to move to this apartment complex so the sleep problems started closer to 6 years ago when I was forced to. Some audio for environment replication.

people walking above you on your ceiling




people with ocd above or below you




people below you on your floor
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lWKMtvPgP0&ab_channel=SoundEffectsRelaxation

the cars driving past.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLllPmzo3fU&ab_channel=SunvilleSounds

the parked cars
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BE476MvO_g&ab_channel=CarNewsCentral

this is what attempted murder sounds like at 12 am, it's pretty effective if the person it's done to is almost asleep because they'll keep imagining they hear it while going under and wake back up. I literally jerked off every time my neighbor tried it though so, sometimes being an asshole is at your own expense.

LOUD AUDIO:
https://youtu.be/jj0YQ4SsjEs?t=88

[Pfotegeist]

I made the decision to stop any consumption of caffeine. From this point I have to behave under the assumption my body really sucks at regulating its insulin. The strange reaction to foods I have are all caused by my insulin spiking immediately, even if I eat complex carbs, low blood sugar the next day affects everything from my hormones to my blood pressure.

Current weight: 194 lbs

So that's an improvement where I stand, when I was 206 lbs, the fat was packed so tight I looked like an overstuffed couch, practically shoving my stomach into my throat at night.  Which I've been awake for to remember vividly.

I've been ordering a lot of take-out for the past year, but my family's not rich we were just drugged stupid and sleep deprived. But anyways, now I can think and make decisions for myself again. Yesterday I microwaved some vegetables in 2 minutes instead of paying $10 and waiting a half hour.  Microwaved broccoli with some oil on it is only slightly worse than $10 fried broccoli. Plus I ate the whole bowl rather than rationing it for several meals.

[Pfotegeist]

It's normal in this society. I'm just saying exactly what happened.

Stop listening to bullshit about candy being healthy. Don't take a drug from a drug dealer. It's really the same lesson.

Another is, don't listen to your mother. If someone is hitting your head, you should stay awake.



I looked into some stuff and I haven't consumed enough caffeine to be significant in over a decade. So, just the sugar and fat then. But if I stop eating chocolate it's true, I have no caffeine now either.


In the current society, people believe in capital not courtesy. A lawsuit is worthless. Just make a lot of money and invest in robots to replace unskilled workers in areas where social skill is detrimental *pensive glance at previous posts*. I know the current narrative about ai is learning algorithms will replace creative thought, but that's just a subversion.

At this point I'll acknowledge people were making videos related to my ramblings for a couple years. They probably read from a script, so I'm not going to think too hard about that. Other people are just having similar opinions and problems and that's all there is to it. The hospitals don't know what stage of sleep deprivation a person is in so... they should come up with a better solution or you will experience something akin to this video: especially if you take Rispiridone (causing lung inflammation), anti-anxiety (hallucinations and worsens insomnia), and sleeping pills (causing "strange dreams")
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkMU1mKdwPI&ab_channel=TheFilmTheorists?

When I was dating someone online, I learned a lot about her, and she didn't like the idea of having lots of great pornographic sex. So I told her to marry a doctor. I hope she took that advice because both of them can be miserable now.

My mom kind of acts like she doesn't know me sometimes. She hassled me to get a really pointless part time job repeatedly while I was active and studying. I told her. "Mom, I'm learning to do something real. If my hands stop shaking, and I completely fail to have any ideas, I'll just be a surgeon at that point." I had to remind her a few times, although I also had memory issues back then, so I figured it was pretty normal to say the same things every few months.

The concept of doctor probably has to change because atm it's an incredibly vague term what they actually do that the internet doesn't, other than blinding someone and removing their health coverage. Or not being somewhere for two weeks, and being there for one day, and pretending that's a real job. It's like if each farm had to wait for a butcher to say the product was in good condition, and sign papers, that's their primary job, to quality check the meat.

[Pfotegeist]

The melatonin made sleeping easier following this: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3377480/

After a couple days I'm averaging 1 lb weight loss each day so in two months I will feel sick from losing weight too fast, but it'll be better than I have been.


Also expect something along the lines of: My mom starts pestering me to go work at the supermarket while I look like marriage material.

But I'll tell her: I'm going to introduce myself as "Hi I've been in a mental hospital do you like huge cocks?"

Actually that's not true. I simply wouldn't go to work, and I'd stay home to focus on my real work.

People act like assholes just because of the way I look. Why should I have to go outside? Other than masochism I mean.

people seem to like memes.

Social worker: How much do you work?
Me: As much as possible. And I exercise regularly.
Psychiatrist: Hold my beer.

[Pfotegeist]

This is the crash course to observing a psychological breakdown due to environment, and then having a psychological breakdown.

step 1: me: "I don't want to move in there." *moves in there*

step 2: imperative problem, me: "It's like the neighbors are always directly above, somehow."

step 3: denial, mom: "People have to live."

5 years pass

step 4: acceptance, mom: "It's like the neighbors are always directly above."

step 5: mom: "It's like the neighbors are always directly above."

step 6: Get molested at the hospital in a dimly lit backroom.

step 7: Let a college student overhear you talking in your room. Otherwise nobody will call the police. It's easier when the apartment building is paper thin of course.

step 8: Don't talk to the police. Actually, make a point to involve other neighbors and talk about how great they are.

step 9: Stay up all night after being forced into the hospital, where you were molested.

step 10: There may be some RNG. Just repeat step 8 and 9 and eventually they will start torturing you outright with injections and removing samples of your body.

a long time might pass

step 11: mom: "They're the professionals." fucking denial

drugged, me: "You seem really smart."
drugged, mom: "I doubled my medication."

drugged, me: "Because of the neighbors keeping you awake."

drugged, mom: "It's your fault."


thinking through drug induced psychosis, me: "The unicorns in Yucky Charms are like drinking unicorn blood so I'm being punished. There are tiny machines controlling my body. My mom is in denial."

[Pfotegeist]

No skill benefits. eg. You won't get writing experience, or programming, or become a great strategist.

Increased dopamine sensitivity: You will probably become a worse decision maker. Your reaction speed will improve about 5%.

I haven't seen the following side-effects mentioned online: While taking the medicine you won't recover energy quickly even if you're in good shape. You may lie around shivering for several hours, you may be thinking about the abusive people who did this to you for hours each day because the medicine has stolen control of your mind.

So this last bit may sound pretty cringe but I have immaculate self control. I can even go without masturbating for two months to see what it's like. And I think I came a little after I peed, which is annoying as fuck. But the point is someone without control might have issues with these side-effects.

[Pfotegeist]

This has been fun. I'll have to work on controlling my subconscious some more.

During school, I spent a lot of effort thinking about... sex... I know weird right? Who'd even. I decided it wasn't worth the effort, and therefor I worked on my self control. Hating on these assholes is the new sex, and it's more powerful than sex with the drugs ("medicine") and months of high adrenaline pumping through my veins reminding me.

So yeah the experts said "We have no idea what this is" and threw their strongest de-crank at it. I'm not going to call it a success, get a new job.

[Pfotegeist]

Well actually that's not true. It was the cheapest medicine, not the best. Because of capitalism.

But medicine's not cheap... well from the medical industry's point of view, they are earning the most money for the least effort, therefor it's cheap.

So, after risking my life, it's really important to remember to make said industry go completely bankrupt, making it the most expensive mistake of its entire existence.

Covid

Stop helping, I can do this on my own.

Covid: I went viral all year and the people who screwed you only needed two weeks to shut down your progress. Jealous? The airports welcomed me with open arms when I was new. I went places, and you stayed at home, just like always.

There's a better way. Just teach people to think, instead of relying on algorithms meant to earn money. Improve the k-3 education system so it accomplishes what the entire k-12 does.

Covid: Vaccines earn money. I think I'll be around for a while.

Covid causes a lag spike crashing the chat

...
uh yeah skit aside, whoever came up with the algorithm to prescribe killer medicine gets the record as the world's greatest serial killer, whoever allegedly invented Covid gets the mass murderer record

All this is smack dab in the middle of writing a custom scripted high-level language for Unity to generate gui among other things. I'll get back to that now.

Fix education system, with positive education five years in elementary school would beat 15 years of what it was like in my school. It's like what I heard recently, to change the way people think, educate people, and eventually the previous generations die off.

Also the new education system is like this. Common core: Follow the written instructions. Common core teachers: I don't know what I'm teaching anymore. Common core supporters: There have to be people that listen to instructions.

Invest in robots.

[Pfotegeist]

Here's what I do for tendon health.

Any pain requires a minimum 4 day rest. No movement. Supposedly a tendon that's forced to recover from a tear without this rest period can be distorted and misshapen, eg much weaker than its fibers should be.

I've been doing tendon exercises that only use the whole body a little daily, like a warm up. Just move every part of the body, roll the neck and twist torso one at a time.


Here's what I do for tendon strength. Currently.

I'm not worried about making a specific kind of tendon. I'm just trying to grow them.

Ensure a 3-4 day rest for any of the tendons that get involved, usually it's easy to tell because I can feel the slight tiredness in them before they're done healing.

I isolate a group of tendons
What's DOMS? It might actually be tendons after a particularly intense exercise. For example the fingers, there's no muscles in the individual fingers, but they still feel DOMS. They need 3 days of rest at least, and they'll be much stronger after.

Type of exercise
I'm producing flexible fibers, so I focus on exercises where my tendons must become flexible.

I mostly find some way to leverage my weight on a group that can't support it, and slowly lower it on them for 5 seconds. I've also used a towel to pull my small toes down, because they can't hold weight at all. I use a broom stick to push my deltoids, which may be the only way to effectively target the tendons of the deltoids until I can nearly support my weight. I also shake it up a bit by isolating smaller muscles in the chain, like each individual finger, then switching the direction, which uses the wrist muscles a lot.

Any scientific research backing this up?
There are many online articles recommending exercises to recover from injury, and a week of rest after immediate injury. There are references to three different tendon fiber types: flexible, elastic, and tense.

I can't really prove the following myself. This sketchy article claims the first 10 minute interval is key to tendon growth, it's also trying to sell protein with vitamin C, an electrolyte ( https://physivantage.com/blogs/news/stronger-tendons-ligaments-supercharged-collagen). The takeaway might be if you eat protein and plenty of electrolytes before exercise, you'll promote healing, and if you don't eat protein within 6 hours of exercise your muscles don't grow as much.

It takes a very long time for tendons to grow, there's not an obvious difference in mine yet other than how healthy they feel.

[Pfotegeist]

Alright. I've got something. It's easy to explain the creative daemon. When your subconscious is actually being helpful that's it. It compels you to process things cleanly, so you're stuck making a long explanation after, and often the conclusion is your daemon was wrong but it was close.

[Pfotegeist]

This is pretty weird I've been able to score close to or above a lot of the mental exercise games I play, but I believe my brain is still under-performing, producing less chemicals in general. I keep running out of energy physically and mentally, and it doesn't seem to simply be a weight problem. I guess I need to play some video games.


Maybe this is like when researchers say "kids learning multiple languages are pretty dumb and confused." Well, obviously, the brain and body have physical exhaustion involved in growth, so American schools are going to handicap all the children and continue to use 50 year old text books to cut their losses. In America we only learn one second language in school, math. Also, we don't really learn English, math is my first language. And I do mean Math and not the Adventure Time sense of the word.

I am on the last difficulty of that working memory exercise recognizing pictures, and without a higher difficulty to acclimate to it seems really tough to push my limits with the given material. By simply trying harder I wear out something, probably electrolytes. The score drops from 230 to 30, but I can only get it back up to 200 after specifically drinking OJ with calcium. So, I've gotten to this score before, and my brain probably needs to continue training for a long time in order for the structure to remain, and develop extra resistance to wearing out. So the difference is, I don't think my score would drop so low, I'm pretty sure my brain would do something to avoid total exhaustion like keep a reserve, so that's concerning. I suppose, it may just not be an important enough organ to keep constantly energized, I do have a lot of stuff going on. Of course if there's a change I'll write about it later.

Ok here's a theory: your brain uses a generalized processor, this is the process you're comfortable with using, so when training a specialized processor it has some hard limits before your body is sure it's required.  The goal while learning should be to stimulate your generalized processor because it's as much a part of interpreting what the specialized processes you'll develop later are as performing them with training in speed or complexity. I can probably do the same thing slowly, that the working memory problems demand I do quickly, but I'd need time to visualize it. Also the game is to remember images, but truthfully I've been remembering them using a combination of the image and names I give them, so it's questionable if I'm training in the task correctly until I stop thinking about them as names.

There are debates about whether there's a generalized intelligence, and if there's a generalized processor and a variation in neurotransmitter complexity, the answer is probably yes. Of course if someone's generalized processor is handicapped because they lack an outlet in a public setting, they just won't learn (in public).

Of course, based on what I know about the brain's processes, rules are handicaps. Like, being a luddite is an irrational desire to shun interfaces you didn't grow up with, and in school settings teachers are trained to behave as luddites would.

[Pfotegeist]

Well anyways. I have the papers the first hospital printed. If they wrote I was an amputee, and later cut off my arm, that should be grounds of malpractice. So I have evidence of malpractice. The obvious dilemma is their money is worthless. Their respect is worthless. I have no attraction to them. Positive eugenics could offer a solution, genetic engineering is capable of correcting their flaws. If they were bunnies I would have to change my opinion.

[Pfotegeist]

Everyone should learn self reflection like this.

Playing some games is calming my daemon down now. But I did have to force myself to start because there was this sense that I won't actually get anything done if I play a game.

It seems like I sacrificed some super-human healing by pushing my limits. In turned on endorphins slowly until significant interference with my sleep compromises everything.

Just so some fuckboys can stay awake all night and become future drug lords, I'm sure.

Now, I'm not sure if my body can produces endorphins on that level, and hopefully I don't need them.  But it's fair to say I have observed pain and hatred from withdrawal, from endorphins. And when I do a search, that's not something people experience, it's a complete mystery.

https://www.everydayhealth.com/endorphins/guide/
"Few scientific studies have evaluated the link between increased endorphin levels, vigorous exercise, and dependence or addiction."

it's a mystery

Actually don't couples suffer emotional problems all the time? It's probably like that.

tldr; I had a physical problem, 100 resting heart rate when my adrenaline finally capped, for several months. The hospital I went to think physical problems require mental problems eg overweight, sick, and depressed people. The treatment was torture, didn't work, didn't fix the physical damage, caused damage (various things I have to go fix on my own).

I didn't have a heart rate of 100 until the mental hospital measured it. So there was some kind of trigger, like getting drugged to sleep, or the lumbar puncture, or the 300 lb football player jumping on me, or the strange feeling that I was beaten up while unconscious, at the general hospital.

Only fake your emotions in America. Several people have complained I'm not fake enough.

[Pfotegeist]

Each time greater amounts of resources are being used to control me, so I get more witnesses. I'm not allowed to do anything else akin to self-defense, because the American public is convinced special rules for population control aren't an oppressive force. This wasted my time and consequences are still unknown. This is what people in the future should want to know if something similar happens again.

How challenging is Game Development? If I'd oversimplify it I programmed a calculator that models information, I guess that was the easy part. I'm writing about a city while I see if I can model it in 3D. I started programming a custom high level language because I had a really strange mood, it's really exciting but I can't touch it until I think I'm ready again. I also have to make some 3D and 2D assets, it takes a lot of effort to get the result I want out of these.

[Pfotegeist]

Interesting channel

It's like I'm gradually learning everything he already knows. Except I won't voluntarily take nootropics since I trained my brain for years... too soon. Well I could supposedly multitask in highschool but the teachers eventually ganged up on me, by the end of school I forgot everything and just focused on running.

[Pfotegeist]

Playing the same game. It takes a while to reach the endgame. It's easy, but I know it's doing something I want to my brain.

What I think is going on in my brain is like a rewiring attempt.

With a decrease in neurotransmitters, there was a rewiring to allow the limbic system to command. Attempts to perform heterogeneous activities repeatedly failed. The unethical doctors here want to use drugs like a low impact short circuit attempt on the brain, I repeatedly compared what they were doing to hitting something repeatedly to fix it without there being a problem in the first place. Perhaps the people here are so inclined to have a similar experience performed on them once they lose their right to access living things to torture.

With the limbic system taking command for so long it resisted losing full charge, even once neurotransmitters began to respond to other activities. My entire body wasn't communicating, and needed retraining before I could assess what my brain was doing.

...after my hormones were nearly under control, I could at least try something different. After rising above the violence of stupid monkeys, re-training for a single known activity (daily) appears successful, but the wiring proved weak to prolonged exposure. The circuit failure resembling over-training/injury can't be felt in its current state, only observed.

Smaller impulse activities like playing a game with many common tasks seem like a safer medium.  The limbic system has given up command to the fore-brain in favor of the neurotransmitter release.

It's not clear where the point of failure is: weak circuits, available electricity, slow resource management, or low neurotransmitters.

[Pfotegeist]

Medical research is still good, I wouldn't know what to believe if it wasn't for the good work of people monitoring super computers.