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[Pfotegeist]

It would seem open and shut but there's one more thing, and it's a pattern now. Three separate occasions, different people each time. Going to school, sleeping in my room, or trapped at the hospital, a certain type of people make attempts to physically damage my heart and brain when I'm defenseless. They can be replaced by robots that carry boxes, or automatic doors, and it'd be immoral not to replace them because their disdain for life well lived simply becomes a meme that could also damage people who look just like them, but actually use their brains to work.

Just a generic solution. Lock them in their rooms alone with limitless video games and some kind of face chat. If they can't survive without touching other people for their amusement, they don't make any sense.

Imagine having a caveat that if you don't have a body like The Bioneer's in that video, someone will successfully kill you a few months or years after they make a stealth assassination attempt.  Then you'll know what my reality has been. Since the hospital wouldn't talk to me, there's no way I told them anything like this, and the whole time I was on the phone I only talked about new exercise. But for some  reason I was in a program dedicated to forcing the idea on me that there was nobody trying to kill me, and I should be suicidal or depressed. A lot of it came from the guy on the phone reading suicidal quotes from a survey like putting ideas into someone's head is a good first step to 'recovering'.

Now, I think that's everything that's been affecting my health.

I also feel like if these people were observed it could be determined what makes them believe incredibly cancerous behavior is the right choice. If you could just say they practiced being violent monkeys, and their brains stopped working, that seems too easy. This also includes whoever comes up with the special rules, and the health programs that constantly bring up suicide to the people that are supposed to be suicidal. Whoever came up with this stuff is probably a subversive troll, but to have anyone review their work, and accept it, is like mass hypnosis levels of improbable.

Also I was forced to avoid talking to the same cop twice. When I went prone on the ground in view of traffic he stabbed his fingers into my sternum as hard as he could. Which obviously didn't hurt compared to what I've gone through.  I was not given any verbal commands, and this only seemed slightly embarrassing to them.  With the hospital and the police harassing me it would seem as though they have nothing but special rules to bend however they want, so they tortured me as easily as they could have killed me. But the person sticking his fingers in me was the "good cop", because they come in pairs, and if anyone lied about the situation and escalated without provocation it was him.

Alright. Since I'm publicizing just about everything. My mom pretty much said I could stop medicating at the start, when I looked up the dangers, and then when her doctor's secretary called she started crying and saying "Can the 'doctor' help, I wish my son would keep taking the medicine." My family relationship in a nutshell, I wonder if she has a split personality disorder because she has a different personality for just about every individual person she talks to. So, when she talks to me, the neighbors are ugly apes, but she sends me to school, and then blames me for being around ugly apes for a split second because the entire neighborhood are inbred relatives of said neighbors.

That's pretty scummy for me to say, but there was a short time after the move that my mom looked like she was on her death bed, and she was just doing more pretending.  So if she says I have free will, then immediately guilts me while my brain slowly ceases to function, it's obvious that emotion comes here to die. At the time she says I walk like a zombie, so we went for a walk, not at all sadism. When I talk to her about this time, she suggests I just looked asleep, out of it, like I'm not supposed to know what happened.

Stuff about the hospital.

Since the actual people working at the hospital were akin to unreliable robots, there's nothing noteworthy of them.

F: Specifically what was wrong with the medicine. For science.

A:
Well you see, I'm not really social. And when I was sent to the hospital I was exceptionally social. This makes me believe I was already on a controlled substance.

Medicine repeatedly caused paradoxical effects.

After you have a lumbar puncture, you're supposed to be informed to take a rest for a week. They gave me something for anxiety to calm me down so I felt like practicing some spinning roundhouse air kicks. I was feeling pretty uncomfortable the rest of the time I was there.

The antipsychotics were prescribed in the last four days, and made me look psychotic before the doctors came in. Seroquil gave me intense hand tremors and someone said a fat joke I almost couldn't avoid laughing, Risperidone caused altered consciousness where I believed every bit of nonsense I heard or thought, but it made sitting still uncomfortable, after I grew resistant that was upgraded to Invega as an injection which shut my brain off almost completely. Then in the hospital again I was given Abilify which took about a week before I couldn't stand still without extreme discomfort (which is actually a common thing that psychiatrists are supposed to help switch you off, immediately).

The hospital psychiatrist wouldn't tell me what it was for, but seemed to remember I complained about sleep.

The future psychiatrists didn't seem to think I was on medication for insomnia because when I said I was having trouble sleeping, they recommended sleep medication.

T: If the medicine keeps failing on a patient, don't be a fucking cuck.

So anyways, eventually someone brought up melatonin. Idk if it was my mom, who's been taking a massive melatonin dose all along, or the phone therapist. I woke up earlier for a couple of days and then cut the melatonin pills in half because of soreness the entire following day, internet recommending only 5 mg to the pills 10 mg.  White light has had a stronger effect, and I dropped use of melatonin for now in favor of turning on a light for 1 hour.

If I reference this later I'll probably be talking about the best practice of escaping therapist who tries to drug you... Force yourself to throw up and scream as much as possible until paramedics show up because you won't remember who did it. Better yet don't ingest anything in public.

[Pfotegeist]

I have goals for my brain training now.

First I'll recover a steady flow of 'brain chemistry', so I don't get tired or lose focus for the length of several days. It's not clear how quickly this will happen.

Here's how I tried to do it after my brain was forced to turn off.

I. Physical recovery
1. Focus on sitting still, meditate
2. Pick a single physical motion, and repeat it for 40 minutes
3. Repeat step 2 with new motions, combine motions
4. Auto-hypnosis, relaxation
5. Self-diagnose physical problems that happened while my brain was off, and adjust lifestyle

II. Mental recovery
1. Perform a strong mental task, one that seems like I'd been practicing even while I was asleep, an imperative. So, I type a lot, it's basically the majority of what I do.
2. Repeat a weak mental task, some kind of training. This seemed important since otherwise I'd be stuck on step 1.
3. Self reflection
4. Repeats. A complex task. I start playing an endurance type of video game here.

5. Practice a tactical task. Stuff is so hard to do, and involves more downtime to repeat.

Currently that's where I'm at. I got tired yesterday, and instead of playing I slept part of the afternoon.

I should be able to play whenever I want to without a sudden lapse in focus.
 
6. Extremely elaborate strategies. If I feel inspired I'll get creative. I'll try to speedrun a game I haven't played without any help. In practice the difficulty of performing exactly as intended is impossible, and requires more time than I have.

III. Subconscious recovery, daemon

I don't know how, not exactly. It's just something you feel. My subconscious was still there when I stopped thinking.

Extra rest, mental and physical, returns control back to my subconscious. With a complex thought process running in the background, it is a positive experience. I can have ideas while I'm not thinking. When I return to work, I remember exactly what I think I need. 


In contrast, being drugged is the third time in my life I've experienced retardation, plus these absurd, seemingly random alterations to my personality I had to just accept because nobody wants to believe the entire hospital system involved was missing the point, I never had a problem, the hospital is useless for anything but stitching my face back together, and leaving scars, as it always has done.

[Pfotegeist]

...the entire hospital system involved was missing the point, I never had a problem...

After watching me wake up, and walk around from 1 am to 7 am for two weeks, and talk to other patients during the day. For almost every day a staff member had the task to come in to shine a bright light in my face until they woke me up. So, if my lack of sleep was not a real problem, I never had a problem.

The most unreliable witness of god are the priests with an unshakable faith and a reputation that keeps them well fed.

The workers at these public places nearly pass for a robot, but they would also willingly express disdain and perform the hostile decisions of whoever paid them. The Milgram experiments proved this statement already, no point in arguing a lost cause.

With people in control, only the one in charge needs to make a decision, and the workers obey. If you replace the workers with robots, anyone could review the programming, simply disallow robots with hostile behavior to enter the force.

[Pfotegeist]

I can only understate what a waste of life it is. What an absurd investment of time the government of America has invented. To stab someone carrying water through the desert and say, "That could be poisoned water, now drink it while I watch." Now I have to go back to the source of water to carry anew.

To extend the metaphor. They see people carrying water from a well, and don't think twice about it.

[Pfotegeist]

I had to start a keto diet, I got sick of seeing the fat slowly creep around my body. Even while losing weight the fat deposits on my face shifted to under my chin. My jaw muscles felt tired since the start, like the rest of my body, and I only dared to let it rest for a day before it caused a gross deformity of my face, so like, I guess the tongue muscles can hang down making it bulge out. Doctors are the top profession to get force fed grains and have their livers harvested for foie-gras, so I guess it's only fair.

[Pfotegeist]

I looked up more information about a keto diet. It sounds like I experienced ketosis during my childhood. [insert life story] So recently, before the hospital, I was eating chocolate with my cereal and naturally decided to reduce carbs through the rest of the day, it just seemed right. After the hospital, the medication might have 'fixed' my body's sympathetic response to wheat and dairy, because smooth muscles have memory. But you know, with the prolonged torture, and my big toes getting slightly numb, I barely enjoy eating those foods now.


Unintentional ketosis...
Alright here's the formula. 2 sandwiches worth of carbs (60g) is not enough to break ketosis for the average human, requiring >= 100g.  It's easy to lose weight without trying by simply not desiring food, or not having access. If you ever did binge on carbs each day of the week, your body will express its genes different over time, who knows what it'll turn into. 

Exercise
I'll experiment with caloric intake once I'm convinced my body's done changing back.  There's plenty of anecdotal evidence you must eat excess calories in order to really enjoy exercise and get benefits. I did run for 10 years, so I can attest, even on an extremely high carb diet the only problem was my legs didn't want to keep moving all day.  I wouldn't say there were mental benefits though, more like a lack of interest, a bad habit. I really had to lower the carbs before I saw any relative positive mental changes. Well face it, if you have an IQ of 120, and it lowers to 80, 100 doesn't really excite you anymore, it's just a safer place to be.

Mother*ing
The disgusting thing is my mom is obsessed with dragging me into public places where I do literally nothing, like in order to help someone, you have to do the thing they hate the most. When I exercised the weight off, I was on a strict diet around 16 years old and said I don't want to eat at a buffet, we drove to a buffet and stayed there for two hours. Inevitably I did gain back 40 lbs that summer break, and quit school. Here's to your sadistic mother, she is ruining every goal in your life a little at a time, and secretly in love with it. Why don't I just leave? Well you see, if my mom refused to get high speed cable internet until I was 20, and still felt privileged to keep telling me what to do, and brought me to work with her like it was favor, and emotionally screw me while I'm drugged, she doesn't see me as a human, for a while she clearly indicated her family were dogs, but now she understands I'm a bunny.

So if we come back to the current events. I was always going to do what someone told me to.  But the cops pull up with shock and awe and drag me to the hospital by force. Ok mother*ers let's see you use those verbal communication skills, oh right, you don't have any either, this is America. Here's my written grievances we may redress some day.

[Pfotegeist]

I was trying to think of something positive that modern medicine did for me, but it's just becoming an excuse for people like my mom and dad to have super diabetic babies.

Ok so, remotely, and only recently I've been able to self-diagnose with information online. There's the silver lining.

And then there are Eugenics, where fucking slavers can kill whoever they want.

The only step I failed to take until now is I still had respect for my mother. She makes the excuse that she's afraid I'll disappear forever a year after sliding the knife into my back. Well, let's see the evidence. Internet says "drugs will cause diabetes", I say "I can't really think. I need support.", She makes tons of food and I get incredibly fat. Then she excuses herself for watching me die in slow motion in front of her.  This is pretty much her typical attitude, when I was young it was all about starvation, and digging at pimples on my face while I screamed, and spanking me after bragging she was never spanked, and reminding us that the world was trying to kill us, and one day she wants to leave the house and never come back, and she dreams of living in a cramped apartment like it'll bring her endless joy to stop serving any purpose in the world.

If I read "It's unknown how this drug actually works" that's the worst scientific statement I've ever read. If you are prescribed antipsychotics, they cause severe damage to your entire body, and force you to recover. The doctors have their nurse hand them out like tic-tacs and only ever increase the dose. My parent is informed nothing, and only relies on faith and the gambling god that all this shit won't hit the fan because they're 'professionals'. My dad was a gambler, also why I had to starve, I detest gambling and the mother*ers who gamble with my life will have their lives gambled with too.

...
But I can say something good about having such a reduced diet as a kid. I was definitely ketogenic even if I wasn't eating much fat, protein, or vegetables. I think the lack of surplus protein, despite the drive to build up my strength back then, really caused a lot of pain.

I'm making a conscious decision to stop writing about this drawn out incident for a couple weeks. I'm out of material other than the recovery process. I have a pretty stable exercise routine, and mostly focus on my deltoid when I work on my arms.

I also found that there are a number of ways to upgrade walking in place, lifting your legs higher is one, using one foot as a pivot and stepping back and forth, moving your arms to put more pressure on the rear deltoid, holding weights, bending your knee when you step backward, changing it to a lunge to simulate running, anything really, stuff you shouldn't do walking in public or someone will drive up and yell at you from their car.

[Pfotegeist]

Enjoy Life brand of candy damaged my teeth slightly because some boxes of their cookies have little bits as hard as bone in them. That's the kind of thing that's easy to ignore.

Ok here's a good way to end this. If people only follow laws, rules, and magic thinking to get through the day, they are easily replaceable with robots.

The reason I'll never sue people is because it's morally corrupt, and it requires someone to follow the Simpleton strategy according to the Evolution of Trust.  The Simpletons who gather in large numbers to repeatedly misinterpret laws, rules, and work the system for their gain are not the government, they are a criminal element like any organized crime.

I can imagine a family would try to take over a hospital because they suffer severe mental issues, and fear disrespect, but this proves they inevitably use the smallest iota of influence to attack everyone around them, only helping their own. Many guards, and one of the cops, and the asshole making huge explosive noises above me at midnight all shared a distinct resemblance. Genetic sequencing may fix their disease, it's the most humane approach I can think of so they will stop carcinisation.

In video game terms they're spawn campers. The only other obvious solution is to prevent access to humans or living things, because their behavior is inherently sociopathic.

[Pfotegeist]

I'm told my neighbor gave the police false testimony to hype things up, but I'm not sure how they did that without eyes or a tongue.

I have wanted a 360 camera to dox every person calling me a retard from their cars or from inside the apartment. Since the medication's pretty much made me 2/3 bald, I'm sure the incidents will go up.


Also I probably have hyperacusis, I'm expecting it'll heal with this diet. But my mom, if she hears a slightly wooden noise when someone else closes a drawer or a cabinet, she calls that slamming it closed, and she takes a Pavlovian approach to nagging to the point where I only speak at about 2% volume because otherwise I'm "yelling". Of course with her practiced way of interrupting me while I talk and pretending she heard what I said pretty much defines my ability sans text.

[Pfotegeist]

I think I was biting down wrong while mewing, because all the muscles in my body stopped working normally the molars were safer to practice on, maybe, but only felt awkward. So, what I'd do as a kid, a bit obsessively, is I'd lightly rub my k9s together on one side or the other. That's approximately where I'm adding the pressure now and it feels much better.

I'm still playing that game. It takes a lot of clicking, so I'm getting to see just how fit my wrists really got.

[Pfotegeist]

You know how they force confessions out of people. Well that's pretty much how my hospital visit was. Of course I had nothing to confess to, and they were allowed to take my rights away regardless.

So this is where I seemed to lose the ability to think, so I just kept trying to fall asleep. I also couldn't fall asleep. All I knew was someone had to come save me. But inevitably someone came into the room and talked to me rather than making some weird abject command like 'talk', and they sounded like they were downplaying the rash on my chest like it was fading, but it actually got worse over the week.

But you know, the next thing they did after watching me not sleep for 36 hours (probably closer to 60 hours now) was a lumbar puncture which takes the stuff your brain needs to avoid swelling, and get proper sleep. Displaying their disdain, this is torture for torture's sake. And if they hit me in the head while I was unconscious from drugs later, that would cause herniation, I'll never tell the difference and if I ever get another MRI scan they can just say it's something brains randomly do.

My head doesn't bruise easily, but I can't say I'd just randomly leak spinal fluid in the middle of the day, so this is something only a hospital can accomplish. Or I suppose, anyone with similar tools.

So here's a bit of optimism. I'm acclimated to torture. So, the only strategy that seems like it'd work is if you get your captors to make things more comfortable, and every time they put you under you should assume they've done more than appearances suggest so they need to be punished. Example: They put food in front of me so I put a little in my mouth and spit it out. Did I really punish them enough? Well, I only had 10 minutes before they rushed me to another hospital, so it might have worked. I threw up quite a lot later, suggesting they put a feeding tube in while I was unconscious.

There was also a security guard who touched a woman who looked like my ex girlfriend, (to be clear I mean she looks like a Nazi, but the hair color was wrong) and he must have pushed her aside to get in the room really quick. I'm not sure what they're really getting out of this, but I don't think I'm going to be their friend.

Now you might wonder, why'd I date a Nazi? Uhh. I didn't bother looking at old propaganda photos of them until after the relationship was over. But trust me, you'd still be interested if you saw, good face and dimensions. I don't know an American who wouldn't want one.

Americans, on the other hand, seem more obsessed with acting like Nazis rather than acquiring the sexual appeal for themselves. It's kind of pathetic, because it's the mentality an average 3 year old first born will accomplish by taking over their house and controlling their parents. The ability to appreciate anything is acquired, and this could be called learning to suck at life, teaching other people to as well.

I was avoiding wheat specifically so I almost became ketogenic at the hospital, and they wanted to force feed me something that'd ruin it, inevitably that was the antipsychotics, which lead to morbid obesity. Carbohydrates are strongly associated with mental illness, and obesity, and a lot of people want to excuse it like it isn't real. The hospitals decision lead to morbid obesity. I prefer to look at this more like people are too stupid to run a hospital, but the reality is more like what I said earlier, they choose who to help and who to harm at will. And having cast me as their enemy from the start they repeatedly chose to misdiagnose me with mental illness, a fake fever for a disease I don't know about, and then outright brutalizing me with only a couple of telltale bruises that weren't appropriate IV sites.  My blood tests all showed zero ketones.

The next hospital actually has some damned greasy food that backs you up for two days, both when you arrive and when you leave. I can't think of a reason that it tasted so good other than maybe a thorough enema.

I don't recommend experiencing all this, unless you have a safety net like you'll go take psychotropics after. Going to school is still a greater waste of time, even if I'd argue the quality of the time wasted recently was higher.

I guess this goes to show how effective a conscious decision is. I may just have to convince myself there's really nothing else to say about this, and meditate on it. I'll do an empty mind exercise, and measure how much time it takes for me to lose concentration... about 15 seconds. I'll need to take care of this now... It's fine, there was just a drastic change, that made me wonder.

[Pfotegeist]

Right before I was drugged and beaten up. The doctor came in, me tied to the hospital bed. There was a pressing matter because it's 2020, and Asian women were going to be bombarded with cliche threats. I asked the doctor what he'll do when his wife gets raped. Actions speak louder than words. This doctor will have a raped women on date-rape drugs, unconscious beatings and anal penetration, confinement from the public that is pretty similar to a jail, and neuroleptics to kill her and keep her quiet as long as possible. Inevitably by changing his coverage the doctor who knew me for 3 minutes over two days divorced me. Maybe his wife was sleeping around, and this is just passive aggressive negligence.

I have read anecdotes that suggest police can diagnose people with schizophrenia right on the spot while everyone is watching, with no danger or criminal background. Who knew police had a degree in psychic mind reading? Where can I get one?

Most of the people who did see me getting taken away by the hospital, quietly, and without resisting, won't find out what happened.

Of course there's other ways to check if people are worth saving. Like this doctor clearly understands what's going on:
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/podcasts/health-essentials/a-functional-approach-to-the-keto-diet-with-mark-hyman

If someone joins a broken system instead of fighting it, in this case the hospitals here, they prescribe keto to one person they like maybe, and neuroleptic to another who's been victimized by police, because the system let them, they're hedging a Eugenic experiment and promoting Eugenicide, and sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. If a health professional turns someone to a psych hospital, they have made the decision, it's not a matter of washing their hands.


Most important fact of all, anyone can make a video game out of this incident. If it'll sell better with a villain protagonist, fine. Everyone with empathy during the time will have crippling arthritic back pain shooting up their right side ear to foot, like I did. I'm the only one with a right to complain if the portrait is too messed up. I have intended to make a video game autobiography that now starts to resemble Redo of a Healer thanks to this, but I will need to finish the engine and make at least two bunny games. Oh they like to say it's the sexual content that makes the anime controversial in America, but it's more likely the drug abuse and what happened during.

I think "there were no ketones in my blood" is funny in hindsight. It'll be like the next gen test when people start having cascading organ failure. Instead of throwing them in a mental hospital, check their ketones, maybe they're insulin resistant even if they're not diabetic.

"the bank robbers had no ketones" -2021 medicine

"the police had no ketones while beating the suspect" -2021

Is this how it ends? I do intend to go back to eating carbs later because it promotes greater plasticity, but officials who want to compete with robots might need a real restriction to ensure mental stabilty.

... somewhat long time to consider this

I'll probably look to increase the amount of fiber I'm eating, maybe go back to expensive bread. Most of the fat is from olive oil. I eat seeds, vegetables, and some fruits.

And the future plan I already have, is I'll raise my glucose just enough to stop ketosis. I'll eat enough each day until I see my weight go up about 5 lbs, and then I'll lower it or eat more fiber.

Still griping about my experience with antipsychotics. My body was unusually good at burning fat... actually didn't seem important.  Now my body doesn't release endorphins so easily, (the adrenaline that comes with it would burn fat) and I have to decide if I'd rather enjoy endorphins occasionally, or retrain it back to how it was before, the state I reached after walking every day to school, and 10 years of endurance running... hmm. Well this whole diet thing has brought to my attention that endurance athletes either have to keep eating while they run or become keto-adapted. As far as I know I wasn't either, but it might explain why I don't have new-diet fatigue, and can exercise about 20 minutes at a time even in the first week of the diet. It also sounds like I ate too much saturated fat for my body to naturally burn which in a high enough quantity would lead to insulin resistance even if it's not all bad.

[Pfotegeist]

Genetic engineering might result in better animals, but people prefer a tortured existence to result at random, rather than by design... is what I'd like to say. So, what the fuck is this?

Psychology theory
After playing a game all week and slowly getting good enough at it, it seems like tiggering neurotransmitters is what makes the subconscious 'quiet'. The internet refers to dopamine release as a sense of lasting well being, so maybe it's particularly effective at lowering anxiety. It's like the limbic system has a battery, and it will overflow, I suppose there are factors for overflow.  Having an active connection increases the probability that the overflow just goes down that set path.

Psychology fact
Drugs that block dopamine receptors will alter someone's personality effective instantaneously, meaning any number of controlled drugs found at a hospital have the same effect as cocaine.

There are people at the hospital that are stuck in something like purgatory because diseases or virus damage their genes mid-life, unable to repair. With the current research, they're drip-fed expensive stimulants. I'm sure they'd be the first people to volunteer for experimental gene therapy even at high risk.  The cognitive dissonance of American culture would have them seek euthanasia, and look to drag more people into the system unwillingly, and deliberately provide them bad treatments, and worthless medicine priced at thousands of dollars.

After a long enough time frame due to devolution AND evilution, the probability everyone gets forced to take some kind of torture drugs because the experts are no longer our current definition of life, is 100%. It can be prevented by stopping or choosing evolution, the choice to cause 50 years of chronic pain, or prevent it has been hovering directly in front of our faces, and the decision is equally weighty as the next hnn~ so many years before we're electrons and some iron.

Alright look, if anyone justified causing pain as medicine, I can justify it with the same logic. I volunteer my local county to be genetic guinea pigs, because, look at what they did, my entire body has pretty much rewired how it works before I can say I'm alright again. The goal should be to stop this from happening ad-infinity number of times, not to do it ad-infinity times. Even my grandma on my mom's side died in her 40s, apparently doctors gave diet advice back then, so she lowered her cholesterol. These people know nothing but how to cause pain, it's probably why they have so much power. In Homer's Odyssey they threw Odysseus back once after he arrived home, but they didn't break both his legs.

I did get insight into why the white people in my old neighborhood seemed to have rampant mental problems, mostly the neighborhood quietly stayed indoors. The old women actually revealed what they thought a couple times, if they point at trash on the ground and blame me for it being there, I'm obviously supposed to pick it up for them. When the hospital behaved antagonistically to confine me, I would point out the obvious, and lie when they asked a question, because they weren't helping. If I seriously asked why older white women had the impression I've violated them just by existing as a kid, that'd be a funny question, the answer is as easy as picking up a book and reading it (their kids never did, and the more they tried to grow together the harder it will become for them to recognize their place in the world).

This is why I practice writing fantasy fiction. There's no way to actually predict the future.

...
Current Psychology studies try to blame dopamine like it's the magic substance for mental disorders, but it's almost guaranteed to be false. When I was on Risperidone initially I was put in a position where my mom appears to be a psychopath crying on the phone to get me to keep taking it, and without dopamine each appeal to make me uncomfortable was guaranteed success. I'll die as soon as you feel like it, just say the word, mom (that's how it would seem). It's more like healthy dopamine prevents you from turning into a puppet, and maybe too much makes you inflexible.  From my point of view I'm already at maximum flexibility, so... if anything they thought the drugs would provide more than I had naturally. You know, I don't believe I want the dependency factor, even if it did have many small unexplained short term benefits with a big long term one that might address a natural deficiency. With dopamine blockers, the drug wasn't made to serve like an insulin shot, so there's a short-term feeling of content and then long-term something like mental illness before you adapt. Probably why I'm still not satisfied with all this context.

It should be scary to think interacting with someone for even one second will leave a nearly permanent memory. I remember setting my backpack down to get the watch out, to tell someone I was walking past at a bus stop the time. But this only matters, if I can access the memory. Of course, listening to the same person talking for half an hour is less iconic.

Vice versa I try to talk to my mom about her emotional outbreak when she doesn't ever do that normally, and she pretends it didn't happen, or really can't remember, either way there was something superficial about it like the power of her medications make her repress, going above rational behavior.

[Pfotegeist]

I was thinking of how to say I changed my routine here.

A doctor can't diagnose a peptic ulcer if the patient doesn't feel it. And uh, my stomach was not treated well (not by me either, stomach crunches and all).

That means it's bacteria that makes me gain or lose weight, and that's a little hard for me to wrap my head around right now.

So I'm at the hospital.

Me: "I think I have an ulcer."

Male nurse probably. Checks for hernia on my abdomen.

Sigh. Abs FLEX.

The real doctor comes in says my blood's normal, and does the same thing. I point higher, like, hey this is where I feel it, strange right?

Because that was where the stomach is. Brain FLEX.


The hospital be like: "Well he got brought in by the police so he must be"

negative

they MRI scan my brain, I'd assert my brain is absolutely god positive at this time

nobody says anything about it


The hospital be like: "Well he got brought in by the police two days in a row so he must be"

negative

The hospital be like: "Kill god. Steal every part of him we can and erase the evidence." Also some monkey noises.

I think that's the whole story, enough to satisfy me for now. I'm just an ear-tip.

[Pfotegeist]

Hospital has some good staff. Tries to look humane like any public facing entity. Gets reviews like this.



redacted

[Pfotegeist]

I keep leaving out a couple crucial details that weren't fitting with the way I was writing.

The person who was exploding repeatedly at night is one of the cat people, in the zoomorphic sense, I would allow some leeway in the research as long as no fully cat person is much taller than a common housecat.

The hospital security were the first people to touch me in the time since I joined this forum +1 extra year. That's pretty offensive. I implied the nurse would screw me if I went in and took off my clothes, so I'm not sure what went wrong there. I guess that's not good enough... She was being sassy while explaining what I had to do, mostly body language, I have never initiated these things.

Caveat emptor
Caveat captivus

[Pfotegeist]

I've been playing the same game all week, and I feel like my brain finally entered a state of flow. After engaging in dopamine releasing activity for a long period of time I feel like my brain's gone back to how it should be.

Also now I'm reminded I need a couple of rest days for my wrist tendons to fully heal since I'm playing with a mouse, not a controller.

Diet update. I'm losing weight slower than expected because of water fluctuation. So it's about 186lb. I'm only really missing food that has no nutritional benefit, and I'm looking to add stuff with fiber. It seems like I burned calories almost twice as fast sitting still, when my body was burning endorphins. I probably should have doubled the calories of a low calorie diet to avoid losing weight so fast. It's also quite possible I lost muscle but my understanding is adrenaline burns fat only.

So I guess, if anyone was worried, I actually won't talk about how I might have injured myself so bad, that I had to meditate for a year and focus on rest. Because it's not easy and people can't ignore a challenge. What I will do is try to meditate after this recovery and see if that alone is good enough. With my neurotransmitters altered I wasn't able to reach the state of flow so the meditation I was doing the whole time on medication was beta wave dominant, I could only really practice mindfulness after I got off medication, and then mostly observed nothing working, small muscles were tense, my core muscles wouldn't tense, and I couldn't really figure out what went wrong then, but the medicine somehow unplugged every nerve in my body, and they reconnected with random states. The connection strength is a little stronger than before, but this is a very small favor.

[Pfotegeist]

This statement could be false: I'm in the middle of the autism spectrum.

It was based on the online test. It's probably more like my state of mind is too fluid, so I pick up habits to center my state of mind and leverage it for greater knowledge at the expense of winning points socially.

So basically, in memory, I socially smiled once in a Technical Writing class, when a girl's face was about a foot away from mine.  Then I avoided looking at her again, since it'll be a long time before I reach the goals I need, I still had mental goals and my commitment would only be shaken if a girl clung to me and begged for attention.  So basically, that's not happening. A guy started talking to me and call me clueless I was only thinking about the class. And I'd only been touch typing for a few years at this point so he watched me smash the keys, breath out in dissatisfaction, and rapidly tap the backspace key.  Pretty clumsy, but it took a few weeks of daily practice, later in life, to start ironing out the fine movement so I'd stop trying to spam all the keys at once.

Right, I have an issue with going off on tangents while writing, so that's a possible sign. The way I look at it is I'm just putting in more detail.  But I usually go back and erase the stuff that doesn't fit.

[Pfotegeist]

I'm not finding closure so I should just change the subject.

I don't know a lot about robots, but the sci-fi projection of the future is there will be countless robots, more than the number of humans, just to prepare living environments in outer space. So we can think of this more like 3D-printing houses today.

Economically, I see a fight worth winning, the goal of automation should be to ultimately invalidate our concept that GDP matters. Money may actually cause more harm than good for creative professions, but society sees this idea of 'worth' as a meritocracy, and someone with less money is precariously in the same shoes as I am.

I was leaning towards the idea that I always avoided getting rewards. If I was giving something for no reason in school, fine I'll take it. When it comes to a reward though, the elementary school did very sneakily do something.  Middle school blatantly gave me more books the first year. But then two teachers told me to stop reading in class, the same day. When I got home I just spent 30 minutes on homework, regardless of how much there was, but the amount of time I spent playing video games slowly increased until I started exercising and eating more carbs, that changed everything, less game time, then zero, I didn't even really think I was getting anything, there was no runner's high. Culture says, I was told, there were benefits, I think the reality is my body ended up absorbing all the glucose for many years, and leaving very little for my brain to work. Of course I had nobody to help me with these problems, but calling it true depression, when I was outside every day running to keep weight off, rings false.

At this point I know I'll get something, so I should only exercise enough to survive? That actually sounds wrong. I might trigger dopamine from games, but as an intrinsic reward. If someone does something for extrinsic rewards they don't trigger the dopamine, probably. Inevitably nobody enjoys exercise as much as the results they get from it... that might be a good thing, since I don't need to remember every second I spend lifting weights.

If I had a robot to help me I'd just focus on the eccentric part of the motion while I'm trying to build muscle. But this is a very expensive thing, and possibly dangerous if it's not something I can avoid getting crushed by.

[Pfotegeist]

The rash came back after a serving of ice cream. So it's pretty likely that the probiotics introduced bacteria I'm allergic to, and continues to cause quiet inflammation, dairy and sweat kind of brought it to the surface. Of course my mom's immediately working against my thoughts because the ice cream made me sweat a sour milk smell so clearly I'm wrong, the problem is 'sweat', the sour milk smell was coincidental and had nothing to do with the fact I deliberately ate ice cream that day.

So basically I'll do it again and see if the dairy will trigger it again. The question of it being bacteria or dairy hangs in the air, and I'll never get my mom to corroborate, and the hospital wants to invalidate my own observations so if I do come to a real conclusion, I might invest some time into finding a doctor who doesn't just work in a poor neighborhood and swing around his inflated ego and brush people under the carpet and run away when there's a pandemic.

...
I guess I should just accept my mom's never going to be like people imagine a parent acts in general. She went to the same college, and she didn't have a goal, and she worked for the college after. Sort of how I expect the average person makes their decisions.  She made it clear, during my k-12 she only visited my individual schools once or twice, and never wanted to talk about school or remember a thing I said. When she had an excuse, she'd repeat it, and if she could pretend I didn't tell her something, she'd pretend it. And I remember she'd do her college homework, for hours, she had tape recorders, and shut out the little interaction we had. But she says now, "I'm not sure how I finished." She signs me up and takes me to an Astronomy class, and refers to my grade later as "that stupid C". She likes the idea of causing adversity, but doesn't seem to recognize the difference in context between 'difficult' and 'dire', she tries to make something dire more difficult, and apparently if she sees things becoming more dire, if it's not on the news it's imaginary. She also quickly forgets any news that's almost generic like televised obituaries related to covid-19 in the local area, and can't corroborate a damn thing I ever tell her to remember.

I obviously need a camera of some quality just to have a single shared experience in this place. The only observation my mom agrees with tends to be stuff she's spent a long time on, like the birds at the window, or the catbird at 4-5am nearly repeating itself and adding layers of complexity to a random song, it happened for about 3 days, with other noises cutting it off. Huh, if I ask her about it now I wonder what she'll say.

...
I don't actually remember before a certain age, but my mom pretty much openly stated things about the mother-child behaviors that were unusual. I was quiet left alone, she says she talked to me like I'd understand what she was saying.  But what I do remember is, she always kept interrupting me while I talked, forcing me to start over, and she'd interrupt me again like it was fun to see how many times I'd repeat, she'd say I didn't have to keep repeating, well I told her to stop interrupting me.  She'd get on the phone and act like talking to strangers is more important than her kid. She'd force me to go places, and slowly escalating to yelling at a kid to frighten them into doing what you want is pretty easy, and then when I was settled into doing something she'd casually say she's leaving without me if I don't get up, usually by getting in the car and driving away.

Well. I've been holding back. Probably the first really complicated activity I did with my hands, that I can remember, is play some video game. I was good at video games, and my parents weren't. My mom only seemed to enjoy playing if there was absolutely no way anyone could see her. I can only guess, some people are extremely private and distrustful of new technology. But she likes her iphone the government issued her. So... yeah, that's probably why she can't believe anything I say, because my logic is almost always successful in games, it must not apply to real life. Ok, the other idea is she won't recognize me as an adult unless I imitate her, or anyone else she knows as an adult, not happening.

Supposedly my mom went to a real paid school, where the students were allowed to talk during class, and they learned a bunch of strange things I never heard of. Our relation could be summed up as, middle-class parent seeks to experience a grittier lifestyle, but can't understand her lower-class son, they both seem to have Asperger and therefor don't give a shit, but each time the government has fucked with the son's brain, he tells everyone twofold, no threefold patterns of the story just to get it off his chest! The mother seems to care about her self image and like a Christian, can't commit suicide, but welcomes the sweet release of death by putting herself into incompetent hands.

I wanted to learn about harder stuff, sooner. But the text books that distribute info you get for nothing online were worth hundreds. My mom was told never to teach me any math by some random stranger in school, she would tell me she was told this by the school, and she seemed to deliberately avoid volunteering any information to me ever again. I guess that's kind of like being told not to talk to other kids in class, and I never talked to kids in class again until I was told to, for that day. ::middle finger::

So I was obsessed with following rules. I did just write a veritable short story based on barbaric rituals that followed after the people who keep a stockpile of hidden special rules carried way up their ass cracks shat one out. And I can't find any actual rules or regulations hospitals have to follow, so apparently the free healthcare in America was just jail bait without rights or regulations. People might be concerned prisoners in jail have no rights, well, prisoners in hospitals have no rights or notification.  I was pretty much expecting them to kill me since they still lacked the ability to hold me indefinitely, or someone working at the hospital was likely to tattle. That is all.

...The first hospital kept the lights on all the time, and the second hospital was shining a light on me when I felt crushing pain in my chest the whole time I was laying down. I doubt there's a way to send the wrong message so thoroughly.  It had to be intentional.  Nobody is this stupid unless they want to be noticed, no hospital is this stupid unless they wanted to be noticed.

I don't know why the guy at the front desk called me a revolutionary. After the two-week hospital fiasco I watched Joker with my mom.  My mom watched A Beautiful Mind about a dozen times several years ago. My mom is angry at one specific doctor for causing grandma to die.  I have no clue what the hell is wrong with her, but she's not making any sense, her decisions end up being to make no decision at all and going with the flow. Ok I think I know a few ways to interpret revolutionary here, I obviously prefer the A Beautiful Mind one. I never hallucinate so thoroughly, but I might contribute to game theory in the algorithmic sense.

...
While living under the college students my mom believed she had to wear an earplug, and she's pretty much deaf.

And I've got one more thing to say... but it's kind of like "I was born with an IQ of over 200, and due to environmental factors it has gone low".  So, besides having nothing to do, and getting good at waiting around all day expecting nothing, the first thing I recognized was happening is my parents were pretty incompetent, I thought they were pretending. Dear god I was so wrong, I probably cried hard enough to cause brain damage, and then I stopped caring. I also managed to get my head slammed into a wall later, that probably helped move things along, online tests claimed my IQ was 150 later, but I didn't really believe it. "Environmental factors" I am obsessed with recovering my intelligence now, but as a kid I was a little more obsessed with escaping pain that stupid people cause, even if it meant I had to destroy myself. I know some people never grow out of that phase. Part of the change may have come from endorphins and my inability to feel pain for a long time.

There's only one thing I'll truly have nostalgia about. They used to keep beauty magazines near the checkout counters in supermarkets, so after thoroughly screwing up my mom's shopping experience for bringing me with her I'd glance at those, thinking she secretly hates youthful women, who were probably the same age as her. Age was not a concept I really grasped, so it's more like she hated me seeing beauty or sexually evocative content. She made the excuse that I can't be left at home alone for 25 years, and I became a bunny, go figure. They didn't keep skin mags near the counter, but I am usually too shy to look at people in the face. I'll avoid looking at someone's butt if they're holding up a phone that might be recording my face. Character development.

If the first step people with authority take is some form of imprisonment without rights, you have nothing left to lose but your life. It's like the Dr. Who episode, the antagonist's first threat is death, she says "kill me", the antagonist says he'll torture her. She points out that after a death threat it's not really so bad sounding. So in this case the hospital looks like it'll kill me, and then they torture me. In American culture death is mercy, I suppose. There has to be an illusion that you have something to gain when your freedom is given back. In my case, I think I'm doing a favor by working, sure I expect benefits from success, the very thing I create will keep me entertained.


Someone said “If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.” There was probably some profound meaning to this. I wonder what would happen if someone did... oh look.

If a sadist thinks they offer something unique to the world just by treating people like crap, I'll invest in a robot that's a much more efficient sadist. But first I'll see if I can write the algorithm that convinces everyone it's a human. The originals can be reincarnated in the image that best suits their new role among humanity, and maybe some limitation to their mental and physical capacity, so a normal person today is stronger than 50 of them, and they could lack basic instincts for survival, or be slow learners. Of course a crueler fate would be to have them put in my exact place now with my original intelligence, maybe they could be convinced they are with some brainwashing.