Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length

Advanced search

1401010 Posts in 67843 Topics- by 61375 Members - Latest Member: NestRai

May 23, 2022, 12:43:12 PM

Need hosting? Check out Digital Ocean
(more details in this thread)
TIGSource ForumsPlayerGeneralPtotagalzt 3lzc_warz [email protected]_z__m E_t*_*ancy
Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 6
Author Topic: Ptotagalzt 3lzc_warz [email protected]_z__m E_t*_*ancy  (Read 6657 times)
« Reply #40 on: July 27, 2021, 05:37:37 PM »

My muscles should be becoming keto-adaptive soon. I've reached the penultimate endgame, in the video game I was playing. Now to retrain the skills I learned during school, I must sit and listen, I'll imagine stuff to alleviate boredom, but not really try to accomplish anything, and sometimes I'll look at stuff online. My body is not in pain, but the goal is the same as always, when I reach for something I will allow the sensation in my fingers to swell, each breath will be the gift of life, and I'm going to drink extra water and try to eat about 1000 calories daily to avoid metabolic slowdown, and plenty of fresh veggies.

I'm going to come back and read this whole topic after. I might have been wrong about a few things when I started, so, I'll add footnotes to the stuff that really doesn't sound like a good idea.
« Reply #41 on: July 28, 2021, 06:10:31 PM »

This is good. I don't feel like repeating the story again. I can't really get anything out of telling my mom what she should already know, and so-called health professionals would be up in arms just like the pathetic guy I broke the news to.

I don't expect anything to happen. This has all been to set my mind down the path it was on. But I still kind of feel like I'm just the tip of the bunny.
« Reply #42 on: July 29, 2021, 03:23:45 AM »

So I had about 5 hours of sleep. Then I went back to sleep for 3 hours that felt longer, because I had a pretty normal dream by my standards. Like a horror movie trying to emphasize the plot for an hour, pretty boring actually.

When I woke up I remembered the founders of America were kind of a mixed bag. Sailors, Puritans, and refugees of various nature. The British weren't too picky who they sent, as long as it got rid of the people they didn't want there.

The qualities of these groups are somewhat mixed now. Despite being the most intelligent former group, the Puritans left a self deprecating history about what might be called abject culture immersion.

From my point of view I'm lucky. But I'm also worried it's because my mom talks about mixing genetics makes stuff stronger. That's creepy.

It's really easy to teach children with high intelligence to do stupid things. I believe culture, and some parenting, encourages kids to blend in and never question stupid things, by the time they can think for themselves the desire to believe one thing is solidified.

Genetic defects are a matter of time, not heritage. Get with reality. Anyways, my problem's not insomnia. The problem was I had the sound of proverbial trees repeatedly cracking and falling on my head in the middle of the night at random for 5 years. Remove that instinct for survival from genetics and you can have people sleeping on top of each other slamming the walls and floor while the rest are asleep, no problem.

I don't know why my mom decided to shut off her brain that day she saw a white kid sneak up on me. I'll be sure to spread the message along if I ever see him again. Undress in front of the window one time and my mom's going to holy war with your entire species. She seems to be about 1/4th, so instead of actually speaking out and exacerbating religious doctrine she prefers to delegate the whole matter to me. I just avoid people and it almost never comes up. For all I know her goal was to make me a voluntary recluse once she couldn't keep locking the doors from the inside. If I haven't been clear my mom's kind of a hyperbolic nepotistic asshole who favors her first born. I never talk about him because everything he did as a kid was intentionally the thing that would annoy people the most, so our parents deliberately let him get away with it. After my memory kicked in I stopped imitating him and rebelled.  Mom called me the instigator like I make him mad by... being better at playing video games, or being better at sounding autistic? He picked up death threats pretty early and used them like you'd say "good morning" to someone you rarely see, and although changing the subject is a sign of autism he acted like starting arguments and winning them was all about never listening to what the other person had to say. But anyways he put effort into blending in with the neighborhood as a kid, and they pretty effectively taught him how to be like a white teenager before he was older than ten, and he just didn't come home most days. So my mom gets the best of both worlds? Being an asshole to one kid, favoring another who ignores her completely, and then pretending she didn't do anything, we're equals.  My dad outright said his kids are the same person basically, and he died.

I'm guessing a lot of the neurons related to this stuff gave up firing a long time ago. It's almost useless information in the present. I won't blame the drugs this time. This is the kind of stuff my brain is forced to rely on if I end up resting on instincts entirely. A lot of people just become incoherent and violent. I found out the mental hospital had a wii and cripple danced as long as nobody else was using the room. Between 1 and 7 am it was off limits so I walked, the drugs they give people tend to act really weird at night, so I'll blame that, many of the hours didn't stick in memory so it felt like walking for half an hour maybe.

I had to practice filtering stuff like talking about sexuality before I joined this forum originally so I was a persona.  But when I can I am thinking about how video games might evolve.  I'm not ranting about video games, because they've never threatened my life. Not even remotely. Certain people would prefer to keep reality as their sandbox game where they can cause the emergence. I say, stop it, video games can be a better sandbox. I personally won't enter the realm of ai-driven audio, but if people enjoy a lifestyle of talking business on the phone then simulations like that would be emotional support. That's a vid... audio game.

I'm guessing most people just want a version of reality where they're not shit on. Not everyone can blow a fuse out and become stoic. My decisions would have been different if I hadn't, maybe I would have gotten adopted if I didn't already have the impression from literally everyone, that I was visually out of place. So, maybe I'd need to take an IQ test as a very young kid, and get plastic surgery done by the new family. But that's such a weird fantasy. If it could have been done I think my brother tried, but actually his angle was he didn't want to go to school, ever, and tried to get diagnosed with mental disorders like they'd be layers of armor against criticism. I know, at this point it sounds like my brother's smarter, uhh, he played the game 'socially' at a young age, I automatically hated what I saw. He adapted to fit in, I adapted to be more unique it may even be palpable (I'll take credit for acting different after elementary school, ok). When the guidance counselors came at behest of anonymous other kids, I pointed out I wanted an accelerated program earlier in life and something related to programming now.  Besides fractions, pre-Algebra, Geometry, and an after school program where I put a Ranger computer together and learned to type with Mavis Beacon there was nothing to latch onto in school.  The teachers didn't even want to admit stuff I wrote was very strange, not to my face. I already read Ender's Game back then, I didn't avoid the comparison, although his name's Andrew, that's not me, maybe a better comparison now is a ghost in the ansible.

Since I mentioned my brother I also remember too many of the kids in my class knew him. This would already smell like I'm going to be judged based on actions of another person right? Right. But this is all somehow the school's fault. Little kids love to show off, a particular impulse control issue comes up, where they want to draw a mural, and art is illegal right? He's the real artist in the family, is what I'm getting at. He didn't really care about the other stuff. And the school system's kind of shit. I am not aware of him drawing anything now.  He was kind of obsessed trying to draw something at times, and that's actually the thing I liked about him.  Although he was kind of stuck doing stereotypical artwork, imitating stuff he's seen, I don't I know anyone else that good presently. I didn't draw much at all in turn, I only drew a little, I focused on elaborating the story about stuff I drew. But most of the time in class I was imagining stuff going around the room, in the sense that I controlled what I was seeing really easily. That's where the talent originates from, and I used it as an escape from complete death by boredom. To apply it to something like paper, you need good fine motor movement, which is uncommon for kids.  The stuff I learned when I was 20 makes it a lot simpler by adding measurements and outlines, but also suggesting you could be better if you learn real biology isn't a big enough motivator for most people. By now I've nearly learned how every cell of the human body works to the subatomic level, it's just a mystery what kind of algorithm things like DNA do (I am over generalizing, I don't know every organ, or their position in the body, or even what they do sometimes).
« Last Edit: July 29, 2021, 04:12:51 PM by Pfotegeist » Logged
« Reply #43 on: July 29, 2021, 01:39:14 PM »

I haven't lost any weight in the past few days since I started counting my calories to between 1200 and 1500. I made a mistake and not eat enough from the start. In eating more calories I also eat more carbs, but I think it's alright since I exercise.

In light of this I've been adding power movements instead of isolating one muscle at a time. Some air kicks and punches swinging my hips and rolling my torso blow off as much energy as possible.  Practicing rotating spin, and balancing, I could make some awkward movements without falling over. I guess the best part is after doing slow movement training with every conceivable combination, blasting the fast twitch muscles just for speed only caused some stinging sensation like a mosquito bite.

I think instinctively people know the reality of fighting, weight and height is a strength. But with excess stomach fat, my circulation lowers, and my core strength is broken, and there are many other issues that I was trying to avoid by running track, and running 10 years in the first place. Even if they somehow damaged my heart, stomach, lungs, and brain, and my spine was already kind of messed up, plus my shoulder, I bruised my ribs a couple of times before I acknowledged I got too fat in the first place, now my physical problems are manageable. This is nothing.
« Reply #44 on: July 30, 2021, 03:28:22 AM »

Apparently keto rash is a thing. Dairy is an allergen that will affect me. So, I can never have dairy. Or, I can give up the diet and avoid the rash getting worse. I can't decide.

I'll eat more than 100g carbs today and see what happens. I've been eating 90g to raise my calories, pretty close to the tipping point, and I seem to have dropped a little more weight since yesterday which tempts me to repeat the exercises I did.

Overall this is largely increased the number of things I've been eating, and now with fewer carbs. I guess this absolves my suspicion about the rash. This also makes restricting people to ketosis even more painful sounding.

But I think this is a dairy rash, not strictly caused by keto. The original appearance was back when I still ate cereal with chocolate so... yeah. Just fasting a little maybe?

The second time the rash showed up I was medicated. I went to the hospital and they did ask some questions about stress, and concluded it was contact dermatitis. Ultimately I have mostly figured out every other possibility on my own despite the hospital and doctors in the area working against me and wasting my time, and probably even making my insomnia worse. I can think they did a bad job, and for reasons, or I can think they are bad at their job, which is it? And do I think it matters? (nope)

So, today I found out I have the skin of an Asian woman.
« Last Edit: July 30, 2021, 04:45:43 AM by Pfotegeist » Logged
« Reply #45 on: July 31, 2021, 08:34:49 AM »

I'm going straight to 16/8 intermittent fasting. Skipping morning breakfast twice per week. There are other things I'm factoring to keep my carbs balanced...

Sleep loss is bad for metabolism. But it also means I have many extra hours of the day to think than the average person. I can't properly lucid dream, never have, usually I'm like "this is a dream" and it's like, "doesn't matter", damn. So even if I can't work my hands an extra 4 hours per day I can do some image training.
« Reply #46 on: July 31, 2021, 01:13:47 PM »

I saw this PSA, might have been on TED Talks, someone asked their parents how they felt leaving their children inheriting all the debt and environmental damage.

The new generation under age 50 weren't poisoned with leaded gas, and they're looking to make their mark of a deliberate assault on consciousness. One day a kid's going to be asking why 97% of the population are indoors for 99% of the time, while the people with 99% of the ideas in the universe can go for a walk any time.
« Reply #47 on: August 01, 2021, 06:22:40 AM »

I'm getting back into shape.  I'm increasing the intensity of exercise to force some healing to occur. And I'm adding image training so I don't get bored. I've been quitting just a short time after feeling exhaustion, so that's not true exhaustion. I've been feeling numbness, that's just proof I haven't tried hard enough. I will train so I can barely move, and that is just about how I got to the point I was, before I gave up. It's not a very scientific approach, I will be mentally exhausted, and probably forget why, again. Adaptation is what it is.

There's a stronger connection between fasting and the rash according to this:


I'll just have to wait and try again some day.


Each time I thought my brain had recovered a little more, it was probably optimism bias. But, that was few and far between. But I guess now I've successfully engaged my body's natural endorphin production during exercise, so I've calmed down a lot. I think it's reasonable to try and return all the way back to where I was before I'm fully satisfied again.


Alright I decided to tell my mom to stop complaining about me being awake, because she's going to wake up at night and see I'm out of bed if I wake up early. So instead of just agreeing she tried the offhand threat about throwing me out 'like other people would say'. Such a supportive parent. I remember my dad making offhand threats about random people saying 'he should beat his kids'. Great random anon people that my parents get ideas from, can't wait to give them respect for their fantastic culture that my parents drew upon.

It's possible my mom's just dumb as a brick now. I told her "I'm not really sleeping most of the night" and need to stay up to observe the problem, right out of the gate. I need to hire strangers to explain why her life choices really suck for me. Anyways her stance was I could do whatever I wanted, like there's no way I have to listen to her, and mine was that she'd intentionally forget that and complain for a month or two. Of course I didn't say she'd start getting up just to complain in the middle of the night, but she's done that in the past. And she would say something like "you never go to sleep" if she sees I'm still awake at 11pm sometimes. Well, it's already been proven she can have a dream, and can't entirely put the clues together that what happened in said dream are impossible, so later she thinks it really happened. That's about as much uncertainty as the possibility she'll forget living with me for over 30 years, but she lived with her first kid for only 5 before he stopped coming home. If she were normal I'd think she has abandonment issues, but from my point of view she has emotional attachments to bad choices like a dog has a bone.

Telling my mom things has always been a puzzle. So, as a kid she wanted me to ask for things a week in advance, and she'd have a week to forget and to her it was like I never asked. That's a completely dead end. Sometimes the problem is the school tells me to do something on Thursday, due on Monday. That's a non-starter if I needed anything. So, the time of day I told her was based on how well I think she'll remember it, not how well she'd receive it.

Anyways, in case this is a really bad call on my part. I think that by laying down some manifold structures in my chest are pinching nerves that trigger additional pain responses. I wish I could say I didn't notice a difference just by laying down, but I don't even have to fall asleep, it's fairly obvious. Now that I thought that through, I want to see if what happens while I'm sitting. If I can sneak 5 hours of sleep in after 2 am that's better than average.

Light therapy and melatonin worked up to a point. Maybe 2 days ago. It's not the adrenaline rush I was getting, that actually felt alright.

Also right about this time I made the edit my body feels like it's changing, it sort of reveals weak points that aren't there during the day. I'm not being weird, I mean the main thing is joints start to pop from sinoval fluid more.
1. I fell asleep, before I meant to.
2. I woke up twice within three hours.

After a quick refresher dose of information, I think my body is signalling that it can't reach homeostasis, eg I should wake up and fix the problem. I can think my way out of this lack of sleep, catch-22. I'll just try to sleep later next time.
« Last Edit: August 02, 2021, 12:10:24 AM by Pfotegeist » Logged
« Reply #48 on: August 02, 2021, 07:41:25 AM »

The exercise part of my routine is paying off. I'm regaining the twitch, returning me to the extremely bad composure I used to have.  It definitely resembles a tremor, maybe it will be more obvious from anxiety, but now I know it's because I blew away all my fast twitch muscles 20 minutes ago doing rapid movements, to remain still your fibers are recruited, and lacking the fast twitch muscles it falters and compensates repeatedly.  My tendons are in good enough shape from eccentric exercise I don't have soreness at all.

I guess I rarely got proper sleep in the past. So, this is all familiar now. It makes me think I can actually imitate my past self. I'm not sure how metabolism will affect me mentally, but after I'm sure I've acclimated to my current diet, I will try to increase calories up to 2000, and see how that affects me, then I might go higher since the hypothesis is higher resting metabolism is better.
« Reply #49 on: August 02, 2021, 03:15:56 PM »

In other news I see claims about increasing testosterone from abstaining. The initial reaction is, oh wow I should do that, again. Right?

Based on what I know, it's almost entirely mental. Every time you're aroused certain muscles activate, and blood flow to the erogenous zones change.  Most people don't hate feeling aroused more frequently, and abstaining will quickly make that happen.

Some people do have negative reactions to reproductive reflexes, and really their best option is practicing a dispassionate way of thinking. If they take the drug route I think that's a bad idea, I don't recommend it.


I should be on a carb surplus today, but I have been exercising frequently. The ketone test came back with a large number. So there it is, exercise at the same intensity of an aerobic workout, will have the same result as ketogenic diet, supplying your brain with ketones. Overloading your body with carbs daily will prevent ketosis, and makes everyone very sick.

Avoiding foods that supply calories is a slippery slope, but regular exercise can burn off the unhealthy excess.

Now if I could just figure out how many carbs I'm burning from exercise, I could eventually eat more, after my metabolism improves again.

And I guess that 'keto flu' when people feel really tired, is the same feeling beginners feel from exercise and catabolic hormones kicking in.

I'm starting to recognize a flaw in the current knowledge of Psychology and my lack of sleep. If I am not sleeping much, how is my brain staying clean? The current quacks see sleep disorders as a guaranteed mental disorder.

I've read increased spinal fluid is found in some people.  It's thought to hinder functionality. If I have the same fluid increase, barring massive systemic failures, intervention, and other nonsense preventing its normal activity, I'm not seeing the downside. I just needed to find the sweet spot to avoid insulin resistance, and have something productive to do at night.
« Last Edit: August 02, 2021, 04:22:36 PM by Pfotegeist » Logged
« Reply #50 on: August 02, 2021, 09:21:06 PM »

Seems like my body released its cortisol a half hour ago. I'm completely awake despite never going to sleep. I also felt like writing some fits of outrage towards the hospital again, seemed cute. Maybe it's too extreme for someone who isn't familiar with my usual style of writing.

anxiety hurts

Warning, kink shaming

The medicine I was given turned on symptoms associated with anxiety. Given the fact I was permanently in beta-wave, poor appetite, and I literally said I was in pain over the phone to the mental hospital after being given invega.  Really the only thing the drug successfully did was someone could have forced a gun down my throat and I'd take it like the little whore the system would turn all its involuntary patients into. You can bet your bottom bitches get treated right at the hospital, they'll never talk back again on this shit.

Disclaimer: America's health system isn't the government, so technically I'm not allowed to say anything at all about it. It's really a joke, get a sense of humor. The health system is a joke, too.

Most of this wasn't really lost on me at the time either. But there was always this illusion that treating someone like a criminal makes them a criminal. Giving someone drugs that take away their freedom is like any jail sentence. Like the American health system always says "Everyone is a rapist or a murderer that hasn't committed a crime, yet. Take away their rights, their freedom, and then their minds and bodies. Get paid, stop thinking, good boy dur." Everything that happens in a hospital is under their control, and they call their victims a patient error.
« Last Edit: August 02, 2021, 10:26:16 PM by Pfotegeist » Logged
« Reply #51 on: August 03, 2021, 11:27:06 AM »

The sleep observation is going nowhere. I should just go to sleep when my body feels like it. And I'll turn my pc back on after the first time I wake up.

The estimate is about 3 months from when I started eating more calories. I should start to naturally burn more calories, and my body won't have an excuse for not working. My skeletal muscles seem to work better than when I was healthy, so I'll be doing plenty of exercise.
« Reply #52 on: August 04, 2021, 01:26:19 AM »

I decided to look into how America plays with the idea of force feeding, etc. Just because they can.

They force feed people like it's nothing. They'll force them to take psychoactive medication. But when starvation was novel to prison in America, they actually used to give a shit.

My diet was probably below 800 calories before I was hospitalized, so they couldn't even acknowledge my dietary needs were below average, and my stomach couldn't handle whatever they forced in it. Such incompetent people can't even determine what a single person weighing 170 lbs eats?

So, when I was medicated, it made pretty much every second a lot more unbearable.  I don't know what the hospital did while I was unconscious, this was not disclosed. They probably couldn't tolerate the public's recognition that they would immediately begin drugging and force feeding people within 12 hours of detainment. And to try and misdiagnose them, or try many kinds of psychological manipulations to see what reaction they get.

If someone could acknowledge they were outside their normal frame of mind, then I think they should be willing to try to recover. The major difference came immediately after I was forced to go to the hospital, when my mind's eye went blank, I felt like I was in a sleepless sleep, and I had to consider the needle they stuck in me could have anything in it.

If prisoners in America had a collective consciousness, I think they'd agree to starve themselves to death.  Rather than the image of dog kennels, we'd be stuck picturing prisons as giant hospitals where everyone slowly wasted away only to cost the government hundreds of times over to keep it running smoothly, and constantly vigilant trying to prove it's somehow humane. The current image of prisons is most people don't try to die, and by their silent admission their life is meaningless, nobody will care.

Sorry, someone cares. But, if 1% of the population was constantly in a death-like state, it would rarely break the news.

A lot of people believe everything is about winning. Worst-case scenario is the majority is already in a state of mind they believe prisoners inherently deserve to be tortured immeasurably just for losing, and all actions of their captors are justified for having won. In that case, any amount of propaganda, any form of alteration to the prisoners, minds and body, would be a given. The future of systems overriding human rights, and spinning the public's opinion about it, is as a TV series like Dark Mirror satirizes.

Alright. This is the only break I can lay claim to. I do not enjoy being around other people much.  My impression of the hospital was a cushy dorm, with two people rooms. So, they did not jam me into a closet for two weeks, and like I mentioned I was able to walk around at night if I needed. But if I was stuck without a computer, or even be forced to spend time near people, physically, for a whole year I'd either prefer death, or my personality that allows me to be even slightly productive, would have to be drastically interfered with.

Someone actively deciding the prison system is fine how it is would be deliberately malevolent, and evil. But I've said the same thing about the American government schools, which largely resemble prisons, without dorms, and are adopting prison architecture because they expect things to get a lot worse.
« Last Edit: August 04, 2021, 06:48:47 AM by Pfotegeist » Logged
« Reply #53 on: August 04, 2021, 03:21:50 PM »

For some reason this came to mind. I complained about people I've known well enough to see their small flaws. But there are people with enormous flaws, because they resist self-improvement.

I can't picture anyone in my mind, but I have experienced a conversation, maybe I eavesdropped. Hey maybe I imagined this, or it's a character in a random film. Actually I think it's happened multiple times.

I'm not singling out subjective proof driven beliefs, but the potential limitation of it.

So basically. If I put a text book down in front of this person, maybe it's about zoo animals. This person forms an opinion or believes something is in the book.  This is pretty common among children. But the next step is they strengthen the false belief by rejecting the book, they won't look in it, their ego is too fragile to accept the mistake. This is pretty common among adults.

I really wanted to find a problem about myself worth criticizing. So I made one.

This is probably the most anti-norm piece of contempt. The problem is society. Indoctrination, or toxic culture can cause a lot of unresolved beliefs. And during the transition to adulthood, it becomes apparent when they start to seek concrete beliefs, or they never think about things at all. And like I mentioned, once they're adults they can't learn anything new about what they already know, they're either disarmed or stubborn then.

But the fact is this is the big demographic. I somehow doubt they'd ever come to a place like this. But just in case, there's no way to satisfy everyone in it, and new things probably only stimulated them as kids.

There are some obvious strengths in being a normie. Even though a misanthrope gets labelled as a psychopath, the fact is well-adpated or not, they'd never look for opinions or advice that would damage their egos in the first place.  They're much more well insulated against information because of their desire to remain intellectually inert.

Well, the fact is normies aren't depicted in media as interesting. But from almost any dramatic points of view they're causing the resistance, maintaining status quo, empowering the society they grew up in, instead of doubting its legitimacy. I expect they have a reliable response to hearing pretty things, and being told they're a collective danger to their own well being.  That's the reason people end up manipulating them. Because they get what they want that way, and the same people would show you contempt for not reacting normally, they always get what they want that way.
« Last Edit: August 04, 2021, 04:41:58 PM by Pfotegeist » Logged
« Reply #54 on: August 05, 2021, 04:35:52 AM »

I noticed I started thinking outside the box again. This might be the last post in a while.

Holding a stick like a broom tightly in one hand, and pushing it around with the other, seems like the best wrist workout so far. Maybe not the best finger workout, but it has the same range of motion and weighted aspect as walking strengthens your ankles. Adding in more deliberate concentric movement like trying to trace letters in the air, results in a combination of all muscle contractions.

I was already using a broom stick to work my deltoids, by carefully pulling or pushing perpendicular to my fingers. It's good for form, but lowers interaction with my wrist. So to generate a wrist exercise I skew the angle so either the fore or pinky finger gets pulled open.

Also holding a broom stick and simulating a push-up and pulling motion seems more applicable than just estimating how the back muscles are supposed to engage if I ever had a reason to interact with larger objects while standing up.  The traditional exercises are bent over rows and actual pushups, but frankly my upper body muscles aren't adapting to my own body weight, probably because my core muscles are still too loose from fat, most of the energy I end up exerting from a pushup goes into holding my stomach in.

In no way did I deliberately change how I wrote up until now. Vulgarly perforated sentences are just far more satisfying when your neurotransmitters are out of balance. When it comes naturally in colloquial speech it's a sign of immaturity. I never had to act up so much before, it's like I became less mature than when I was born.

Highly intelligent people are just as prone to imitate someone they admire. So uhh. I was squeaky clean before I got drugged, like I mentioned I avoided suggesting I could be a giant dick if I just drew from my well of anguish.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2021, 07:17:28 AM by Pfotegeist » Logged
« Reply #55 on: August 05, 2021, 06:52:30 PM »


Interesting. I especially like the part where it warns about medication. So this is probably why people have mysterious heart attacks.  The fact is it looks like certain muscles in my body overworked and used up their potassium, severely bloated, things like my abs, jaw, and lungs that I use every second of the day. And even after getting off the medication they weren't resupplied until today when I ate about 3 times as much potassium than I usually do.  I'll try to keep the numbers up. Meat is high in potassium, and so are fruits, but processed grains aren't, and neither is a sane amount of common vegetables, but a huge blender full of kale would work.

I'm not saying potassium is a magic bullet to good health. But I blame the medication for the initial deficit. The muscle weakness in various parts of my body, and immediate sign of bad circulation went away quick, except my left big toe. Well, I was exercising, but the improvement speed was slow.

But I will say, you probably won't need to worry about potassium in general, it's common in many things. And although 98% of adults don't eat the recommended amount, they're fine.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2021, 07:10:08 PM by Pfotegeist » Logged
« Reply #56 on: August 06, 2021, 02:28:46 AM »

Day 1: 3500 mg of potassium. Noteworthy: left kidney? had a fluttering feeling, felt it in my left front side though. Normal sleep. Strong ammonia in urine.

It's not like they gave me antipsychotics for a kidney disease. This doesn't count as a kidney disease.

Apparently an injury leaks potassium at first, causing hyperkalemia. It stands to reason that it requires potassium to recover. The critical core muscles normally get everything incl. potassium first. The weirdest symptom caused by medication was loss of firmness in my abdomen, suggesting it inverted the priority of my nervous system, starving my brain and core muscles of electrolytes.

So, there's a physical explanation. If I stop exercising the resources should start to be reserved for my brain again.  But I need to be sure this isn't a fluke.

All that's clear now is doctors like throwing people in mental hospitals, including other doctors in the past who advocate for washing your hands. That and 98% of adults won't be given the right advice if they ever suffer from potassium deficiency, it will be completely random if they actually eat more potassium at the right times. If a doctor ever admits they have no idea how the human body works, they'd be right.

Doctors in my state aren't willing to investigate an individual's unique needs. They don't seem to be given any training in nutritional facts. They have proven to discourage patients from learning, or recovering without some expensive medical intervention. They are inadequate, and unskilled at their own field. I have zero confidence in them.

My brain hasn't developed any new ability this whole time with insufficient sleep. My body has...  maybe motor control doesn't need much to improve, if I can imagine myself doing it I can already do it, the problem is my muscles can't do it if they're not real.

While I'm still slightly obsessed about getting the full story out, I'll just talk about myself some more. You could sum up my original character as one-dimensional, as a true stoic behaves. I eventually made an investment and spent a challenging 5 hours building an expensive computer by age 24, and the motherboard was screwed up so I broke it down and built it up a few times, waited a month without the motherboard or a computer, and ended up buying a more expensive one. That's like a dramatic telling of my coming of true nerddom. Saved every penny I was ever given, and never earned a penny more.

Day 2: 3500 mg of potassium. I woke up twice at night without an external stimuli. I may be optimistic this morning.

Anyways. I spent close to 15 years in a school that effectively taught everyone drugs and physical contact is bad. You'd have to be a pariah. Someone like that can't be mentally fit. In modern society they nominate themselves into position of proverbial judge, jury, and executioner. School is completely useless, so are laws, only power matters and the desire to mask its use under some benevolent horseshit; so in the future, people can't have jobs like that. See, optimistic.

Of course recognizing facts like a minority of people elect themselves to jobs of a pariah, would get you subjected to one of their magic rules. Butchers are respected, because nobody in their right mind would be a butcher. Ok this feels awkward. I can't denounce people doing something strange, because it's a very deliberate choice. I will, if the choice is to butcher living things. People who have plenty of sex are pounding the meat of living things. Ok let's just say, if an animal doesn't consent to getting pounded flat it's immoral, and someone who'd do that is a butcher, not a porn star. I won't get into contemplating what is consent, that is decided by society. But you can't really consent / volunteer to anything without knowing what it is first.


I have the impression I need to practice resting a lot more. Usually my problem is my mind's too quiet, and it gets worse if I oversleep. Now it's clearly not quiet enough, and I'm under-sleeping.

The internet suggests that there is a normal functioning person. But lacks a realistic image of one.

Someone decided that kids who think are abnormal. They were called little scientists.

I watched my teachers, they launched verbal interference at the kids sitting at their desks without a single thought. A kid makes a weird noise, bam, sit still. These teachers are normal, here. They didn't devote a brain cell to avoid creating this mental image of a hanging judge. Their entire existence was like fish in an aquarium. (My elementary school impression of adults) Of course I thought, there's no way all adults are so, like this, but the recent snap judgements adults have made let an impression on me. I gave them too much credit, I can only be grateful that I will never support their existence in the future. I support the idea of them interfacing with technology. They don't deserve any additional help from me to achieve that goal, they can help themselves. See, morally I'd create a more viable option, but I have doubts about their motivation and moral decision making skills.

I looked up other causes of potassium deficiency... yeah I probably had it as a kid from throwing up each night. So basically, there's almost no chance you will have potassium deficiency, it's undetectable if your body breaks its cells down with cortisol on a regular basis, because that puts potassium back in your blood stream when you need it.

I have the impression I'll start feeling worse at this point, before I get better. Sleep in general. But even the potassium causing my muscles to slowly stop tensing is about as unpleasant as any ache.

At this moment I realized. I'm probably just slowing the healing progress by exercising my whole body. So, I should be focused on the spots that need to heal to force them to absorb potassium.

Day 3: No major change. I have been noticing a moist sensation on my skin in general, it seems to increase each day.

I've never seen hairs on my head come back after they fall out. On a related topic I'm rubbing my foot to stimulate the toe today. The sensation comes and goes, but if I don't touch it it stays gone until I take a step on it, and the missing sensation is pretty noticeable when you've been walking on bare feet with almost no callous development forever.

I feel strangely healthy despite the visual signs that I'm not. There is more moisture reaching my face than I'm used to. And my wrists felt sore when I woke up, but quickly went to normal, like just in case I forgot I gave them a good workout two days ago.

... potassium
So remember this... if you have (symptoms A): dry eyelids, dry lips, large amounts of salty sweat, very little sweat, weak muscles, cramps, spasms, chest pains, stomach pains. Check how much potassium you eat. If it gets even worse you've ignored these things an extremely long time.

If you experienced muscle injury or inflammation the potassium in your blood will gradually rise, you'll need a hospital in about a week. Your blood levels will be normal before the cells recover, increasing the risk of lower potassium later (eg when you sleep, you might experience symptoms A).

It's pretty irritating, I've had dry lips and eyelids forever. We are truly in the dark ages of body science.

At this point the hospital is either completely worthless or they're a bunch of opportunistic assassins. Either way I don't see anyone who had a say in the decision in a medical field for the rest of their guinea pig life.


What I'm implying is they either don't give a shit about facts. Or they had a pretty good idea that my diet would kill me on this medication. There is no gray area, they may have even tried to replicate this very issue on me because I didn't have a diagnosis, just a stomach issue. So, they found out that a drug that causes metabolic syndrome, causes literally every metabolic syndrome, give them a medal.

... did I misuse the word autistic?
I'm about to say the most annoying thing right now. The diagnosis for autism is pretty much bullshit. My family are high functioning enough not to be diagnosed. The only clear factors are they generally don't show any emotional intelligence in private, and they pretend to be someone else in public. Other querks like ocd... are functional, like wanting to clean things, or getting a high score, or impress people for clout. After I got my head slammed into a wall, I started to question all the stupid little things normal people do and especially idioms, and my language skills didn't develop, which lands me square in the autism agnostic category. Aren't normal people actually on the spectrum, with higher (different) language skill (so they don't question it)? The idea of an idiom is you expect a result when you repeat it, so, I fail to expect the result and work around it instead. For some reason I misheard a lot of words when I was young, and my brother would quite likely intentionally lie about stuff, so that also made the viability of communication pretty shit. Stuff is changing like my memory improved, but other stuff like emotional intelligence goes out the window due to environment. My body can't tell if it's missing nutrition, or signal or identify when I need it, so that's another kind of intelligence I simply don't have (which is pretty common right?).

I kind of hate the idea that large groups of people with disorders determine what is normal. But that may be reality. Rome was a syphilitic leaded-and-not-so-drunken paradise for its time, and that was the normal then. As much as I hate the idea, there is no alternative without science.

Potassium might actually be imitated by neurotransmitters. Here's the basic concept. I was doing almost well enough with endorphins, endorphins counter depression and pain. People take SSRI for depression or severe pain. They pretty much all accomplish the same goal.

Following hypothesis
Drugs that displace potassium, and act as SSRI, are killing people.

Although I wouldn't limit the possibility to just potassium. The fact is potassium effectively allows nerves to communicate, it has an impact on fluid retention, and it likely plays a vital role in sleep when your spinal fluid increases. I have somewhat limited knowledge about electrolytes and neurotransmitters, just the tidbits I need to live.

The experiment is underway. I took a couple SSRI in my past. TMI, removed a small chunk of text. Figure out what I'm saying.

Prozac produced a lot more fluid. And swelling that required additional attention. But this was also during my distance running years.

Risperidone produced less fluid. There was a distinct flaccidity. But the volume was high. Note: it also had a very unpleasant mucous build up in the respiratory tract.

I took two others, and couldn't produce 'fluid'.

 A bunny ear produces fluid. The bunny ear was also extra sensitive when taking SSRI, which probably can't be reproduced normally. It's partly in the mind, there's a guaranteed diminishing return, I didn't want to stay around and find out. You don't touch a bunny ear directly without permission.

Uhh. The volume of fluid seems less after stopping for a long duration. And it's gradually gotten lower. But things are picking up. The potassium experiment will be long-term. Whereas SSRI have been super-effective in a week. Also they're kind of boner-killers when you first take them.

This is pretty weird and I think if I'm forced to know this, everyone else can too. It's possible that endorphins have a strong interaction with brain and sexual function. I will have to get back into endurance-running shape to confirm it one day. I didn't feel the urge to call myself a bunny before certain milestones were met, to phrase things discreetly, and just a bit suggestive of what it takes to run 5 hours without re-hydrating midway.

Alright. I found out if I lay down for a while and get up there's no drowsiness, suggesting the fluids in my body are staying in place longer instead of pooling from gravity.

It is very likely I've been getting less than optimal sunlight recently decreasing my vit D, and decreasing phosphorous metabolism, but with the lack of sleep and other skin problems, I wasn't risking standing in direct sunlight for long. Maybe I'll make the proper adjustments. My windows in this apartment aren't treated so I've been getting sunlight, but I also dodge the rays of light that come in and heat up my skin. Plus the potential scalp burning issue is there now.

I have a vague memory about worrying about phosphorus. The danger of wasted energy digesting processed foods without bio-available phosphorus hasn't really escaped me. On the other hand I seem to have tons of energy now, and it's become very misdirected.

I also don't want to talk about drugs. By now it should be obvious why I am, and why I never needed them. The problems I have are a continuous cascade of government approved mistakes in the guise of dullards, individuals on the verge of extinction, or just old people who died before I was old enough to point out their mistakes.  Instead of pretending they were a great influence on my life I'll tell the truth.

There's been a lot of strange stuff I've witnessed. I have tapped into tropes people can get really hooked into. I'm doing my best to start writing in private again. This type of rant has been an urge I suppressed long ago. I do plan on changing the world, but it's not really necessary to know me or the flights of fancy I have.  What matters is 5+ years of work that I committed to finish. None of which could be called oppressing my neighbors.  In 5 years a single phone call my privileged neighbors flight of fancy would have me oppressed for nearly two years. To that I say, I sat in my room for two years without being oppressed and I became Buddha, god, and witnessed a miracle of my own ingenuity, and then you showed up and called me a retard because of how I looked. Maybe you can sit in a room just like this for four years, I won't even require your shoulder to be broken.  There will be a tape on replay of me talking about the hospital lobotomizing people each night.  Nobody's going to blow you this time, you'll be alone. Someone will be doing repair on the window downstairs every single afternoon. And at night there will be incredibly loud snoring, that gets louder if you try to make it stop. They said I was the Devil when I got forced back to the hospital, so it's appropriate I take command of hell. I kind of wish I imagined that part, but it was just the beginning of the hospital security gaslighting me. I'm not sure what game they thought they were playing. My post count on this forum was something like 665, that made it seem plausible I have an internal count of every post I made, and my sleep deprivation was getting the better of me, so I'll just drop it. But I must turn and question the medical profession's perception of reality for their given response, which is what this has mostly been, their deficit is somehow congenital, treat like with like.

Day 4: Imperfect sleep. Still weigh about 187 lbs. No change.

I'm not sure how I feel about admitting severe sleep deprivation turns me into a numbers guy.

There were recently some pretty extreme 'coincidences'. A certain space related author's death coincided with an online ban. I wouldn't even defrock the admins.  I got some lazer tight focus on my programming work, the RNG, and pretty immediate death while playing most round, may have had an unprecedented impact. I was also pretty juiced from my fresh injury, endorphins. I decided, I didn't want to go back, and a little over one year later started posting in this topic. It intensified my preference to solo games at the very least.

There are a few people who think they need to drop a hint that I live in a completely different culture from them, and there's supposed to be something wrong with that. A personal attack doesn't compare to local vigilantes.  Like I said my brother was all about telling me to kill myself.  After trying to process the greed and envy of people committed to mediocracy, you run out of bile, shit turns white, and you might be constipated, emotionally. Inevitably the stereotypes about autism go around, because after years of mentally torturing intellectuals, they're almost bullet proof. So, I'm pretty sure I have a false impression from the media's dissemination of mental health information and likely so do 'professionals' who follow algorithms instead of using their brain, they live in a clickbait culture where they earn money from outrage and plausible deniability is their armor (armor of ignorance), and I don't earn money unless I finish work with real value.

I think I'm done. I thought my 4 step learning method was revolutionary. The reality is, it probably won't make a difference. It's not a work of art, a story, gadget, toy, or game, it's just technology like a pencil eraser (a blueprint of a pencil eraser). It's something I need to practice, like dance steps. Maybe I forgot how to do it.

I'm done not justify myself, because this has been a lesson in how depravity makes people too self-righteous to expect a normal reaction. The norm is depraved of reason, and accept the use of force and blind faith, which attract greater numbers of participants. I'm depraved of my own needs by other people who simply fear the difference in our choice of faith makes me a dangerous out-group. I'm just working on something that might change their mind, before robots replace them, and their debilitating way of rationalizing all their actions evolves them retrograde.

This is a little unfair. My ideas might be to enhance fun, education, and open people up to possibilities, and I've complained about the irrational behavior of a few people.

Time to lighten the mood. Nsfw talents should be coveted, and the future of genetic engineering depends on their great ambition.  The interpretation of the act, and the biology with fantasy-style attributes. There would always be limits, but damn it we have to try and make life better for the future, in every way imaginable.

I had a very normal sounding thought. First, this is making me sound a bit like Andrew Ryan Bioshock. And then, after looking at some crummy photos of when my back was still hunched forward. I thought this photo makes my face look really fat, my pupils were always super dilated. I shouldn't keep thinking about other people, because, that's not normal for me.

But I did think about Malcolm in the middle before Rapture. Of course it's satire. The family members, except maybe Hal, are natural survivalists. Malcolm decided that his gift and preferential treatment endangered his survival, he argues his family is normal.  We know it's not true. Basically, survivalists are the staple crop for founding colonies. They'd have to endure total boredom, harsh environment, and try to blend in case they are somewhat mixed in look and mind. If robots aren't going to do the job, we'd need to bio-engineer humans. It's just not easy enough to become a perfect survivalist over night, and you can't tell me drugs solve everything. As for long-standing nations, there should be forerunners who would help survivalists cope, and they'd encourage the next generation of high-level thinkers to deal with nostalgia the survivalists prefer, and then society can take off with incredible force I can't. The average person today would be a survivalist, I'm not the forerunner whose job is to think of people. The other image of a future is to have robots do literally everything, and cross your fingers.
« Last Edit: August 09, 2021, 04:22:21 PM by Pfotegeist » Logged
« Reply #57 on: August 09, 2021, 04:40:21 PM »

If we could gene-engineer people so they don't have debilitating defects, that would be an obvious phase 1. If their liver had a special way of flushing useless carbs down the crap shoot, and store within a target range of fat, that'd make getting fat a choice, like I could choose to gain or lose weight. Animals can smell disease, or detect their own vitals, and humans could too. All that would be pretty useful.

My instincts were making me think about real people. Things will return to normal, and I will stop complaining. It's a little less each day now.

I'm starting to feel thirsty. This is a change. I'm usually just drinking water because I programmed myself to ingest a certain amount of nutrients each day.

Back on the recent things I wrote. I guess sleep deprivation never quite explained everything going on with me, like the lack of desire to sleep. But, there's sufficient evidence changing my brain did nada, but made things worse. Potassium changes how your body communicates across the board, there's just too much to unravel from the level of damage that I've described, and no family history other than metabolic disorders to suggest there was anything else wrong.

Gene-engineering is a pretty cool sci-fi concept. I suppose the groups I suggested closely resemble real politics. I'm a little worried about that. Forerunners are shifting the Overton window in politics. Survivalists are just people who form a harmless cult to push their own ideas, and might be strongly influenced by the Overton window. The last group are people who have a completely open mindset, metaphorically, avant garde repeatedly hits a wall. So, still a metaphor, the survivalists resist mutation of cultural DNA, and if we just took them out of the equation that'd be inhumane. So why not ease the gene pool, forerunner kids could babysit their parents, and their kids would be incredibly diverse high-thinking avant garde, and they would make all the mistakes.  By this time in future history we know how to manage infinite diversity, maybe a small percentage of the population would be genius-level survivalists, and they are equipped to deal with devastating calamities when the general population agree something bad happened, or a cosmic accident rips a hole through the planet, something easy to detect.

The basic idea for a colony would be the infrastructure, robots and buildings, make up the membrane and powerhouse. The survivalists would split the cell. The forerunners take care of aging survivalists, while the others have families. Then the cell mostly becomes brains while the infrastructure remains intact, and the brains keep the population in check (by having loads of kids if necessary). The remaining survivalists will be stressed out and potentially see danger where there is none, but that is kind of the point. I guess I'd be fair and say they can have a family, but technically the people living in the colony are no longer biologically related, they could adopt.

... I never considered other kids couldn't escape the boredom of class by just thinking, imagining, or falling almost completely asleep while sitting straight. Live and learn.

Understanding the Voices in Our Heads:

I do all these inner speech methods depending on what I feel like usually. But if I am typing on here frequently I feel like my inner speech is more conversational.  Though nobody's actually responding.  I have the impression this is not so common based on the video's uncertainty of how it all works.  But uhh, this whole time the past month it's been more impulsive, since I couldn't talk myself out of probably making everyone on the planet feel a little uncomfortable.

Maybe there's something that I do that most people can't. I'll think about it. I can pretty much stimulate every internal sensor with imagination, but my body doesn't respond like it's really happening. So imagining certain things are merely 1/1000th as exciting as the real deal, but it might leave the memory of me trying it in my head anyways. Wait a second, I wrote all this paragraph before, I'm sure of it. Ok I don't mean to retell my entire adventure after joining the website, I can stop there.

Day 5: Normal for me.

Upon waking I wasn't really thinking about anything. But I took the time to put a little together.

I thought about how gene expression might have been interfered with by health factors. Like, stress, memory, dopamine, and attention are linked to what are called the warrior vs worrier gene. The idea is, if the gene was simply ineffective, because it didn't get to do its job, you might end up with incredible memory, anxiety, lack of attention, and other more concerning mental health issues.

So, I have no idea what the end game will be like, after the gene's expressed itself for a while. I have slower than average memory acquisition... if that's how it's supposed to be working. That's not what it's been like recently, the tail wagging the dog, is an expression that comes to mind.

I cured myself. I even feel an aversion to posting this short paragraph, because it conveys so little meaning. You had to be there, or just read the crazy shit I wrote and swallow the brand new pill. What the hell! There's a bunch of studies about potassium and mental health. I've run out of brand new ways to call the hospital dangerous, they're also heretics if they worship Satan, they should be up my ass in a good way.

current diet is approximate, values are approximate

target each meal is: between 50 and 100 carbs, 1000 potassium, as close to 500 calories as possible. So best case scenario right now I need to supplement potassium with a drink like V8.

6- 8 am

4 tablespoons of peanut butter, with some chocolate chips ( 20 carbs, 400 mg potas., 400 cal. )
8 oz of orange juice ( 30 ez carbs, 400 mg potas, 200 cal. )
...alternative, 1 slice of bread (15 carbs, 100 cal), have 4 oz of V8

random amt. pumpkin seeds
8 oz of V8 (low sodium V8 has more potassium, if sodium is a problem)

12 pm lunch

? alternative, skip breakfast drink about 24 oz of V8, no that's a terrible idea, that's above the recommended daily limit of 1500 mg of sodium. Preferably don't drink this amount of the regular V8, cut the sodium by drinking orange juice, or get the alternative low sodium instead.

I usually eat some kind of meat, and vegetables, this varies a lot, so...

[copy breakfast, don't drink the orange juice]

Bananas are about 100 cal, 500 potassium

other fruits, and dessert are optional, but need to be calculated separate.

6 pm supper

[copy lunch]

Potassium should be around 3000. Cap the minimum 3500 potassium if I haven't ate an excess in potassium rich foods as a snack at this point.

So there. To eat the recommended amount, I have to eat a very strange diet, and avoid filling up on bread.

Basically no matter how I stretch it I'll end up eating too much of one of these things, without variety:
Too much meat (because cancer)
too much vegetable leaf (7 cups of brussel sprouts, anyone?)
too much legume (I am eating 5 tablespoons for calories, and to get enough potassium I'd have a massive cramp at night and die when my gallbladder quits)
too much fruit (because carbs)
too much banana (5 bananas each day is a bit much)

oh and there are crazy diets like a gallon of milk per day *wink* or the all-fruit juice diets. Even if you have constant ibs, you are replenishing your potassium. Are you getting enough sodium, and supplementing the other vitamins though?

Something that is a blend of fruit and vegetables like V8 is actually a saving grace, otherwise I'd have to figure out what fruits and vegetables blend together. I'm calling tomato a fruit. It's a tomato-carrot juice blend.

So basically... tomato, carrot, and bananas are acceptable staple foods, in a rich potassium diet. Potatoes have high carbs it seems, so they're just a snack food.

Do I need more potassium than the average person? Not according to the recommendations I've found.  I probably don't get to eat enough fruit at random, because of the limitation in carbs for now.

Unsurprisingly I get a video like this in my feed. Why are GMOs Bad? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sH4bi60alZU&ab_channel=SciShow?

Since I'm starting to advocate for GMOs. You know what, let's just say GMO laws are bad. I need to finish watching the video. Done. Now, imagine having a kid and the random sperm donor was granted full custody because legally, all their children are owned by a company.

I just acknowledged 24 oz of V8 passes the recommended sodium limit per day. Not sure how I let that get by me. I got the alternative low sodium recently, so I'll be fine.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2021, 11:18:15 AM by Pfotegeist » Logged
« Reply #58 on: August 10, 2021, 03:03:28 PM »

I'm sure this looks bad. But even under extreme duress and emotional turmoil I waited about a year, like usual, before I passed judgement. People think it might be the last remaining thing which separates humans from the rest of the animal kingdom.
« Reply #59 on: August 10, 2021, 07:59:12 PM »

I used to sound wiser.

My mind has shown me it has a few abilities I don't usually experience.

First off my original skills became enhanced for no apparent reason. But I'll chalk it up to endorphins. An incredibly useful amount of obsession, even in the face of a gradually increasing complexity of an endless program. Something I would call the daemon, it was useful when it was very quiet, because it'd only pop out after I relaxed a bit.

But due to unacceptable amounts of stress I turned on survival skills, which turn off the original skills: Lying. Numbers. Self-deprecating socializing. Incredibly long-term adrenaline.

Getting locked in made things worse. I pretty much would admit I was crazy if they'd let me go for it, obviously they wouldn't.

I was then forced to deal with endorphin loss. That made me acknowledge I had endorphins on pretty much the whole time.

After dopamine sensitivity increased I had levels of obsession about a single monumental cult classic movie, Fight Club. I wanted to dissect the psychology of the movie that was clearly to me, an internal struggle, and it was substantial. And almost every other review or comment online was cognitively dissonant discussing Tyler's greatness and ideology. So I wrote about that with some reckless abandon.

For now I have access to pretty much any memory. I have nothing really well put-together before Bubble Bobble.  I suppose iconic memory isn't necessarily in a form I can imagine. Because I have some phobias I might have picked up before rational thought.
Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 6
Jump to:  

Theme orange-lt created by panic