Oh shit, hope you'll get a new stable source of income (Patreon or otherwise) again!
This looks fun, I like the writing. Did not expect it to be voice-acted! Makes me wonder if your game is accessible for people with sight problems, actually. Might be a good "crowd" for interactive fiction, come to think of it.
But yeah, the trailer could be snappier. A lot of silence, which works when reading a story but not when watching a trailer. OTOH, maybe just call this something like "first five minutes of gameplay trailer"? Then the "flaws" become features, because it's just delivering what was promised.
You could still try to make a shorter, snappier trailer. I mean, it's fine to have both, right? Different trailers appeal to different players. Just make it clear which trailer is which and people will decide which one they watch. Plus a short one might hook people who wouldn't have had the patience to try out the 5-min one, but who then might watch the 5-min one. Gotta reel them in slowly, so to speak.
Anyway, can I make a suggestion that might help with creating a shorter, snappier, spoiler-free trailer? You could a few short clips that don't show any major plot points,
but still sound dramatic.
In fact, you could even use the material you already have, here are some examples that fit imo:
- "My name is FINN, pops"
- "And let in the *spiders?* Or worse, a MOTH?"
- "'I'm not even the girl you're looking for', what does that even mean?"
- "Dad's being intense again. Look, I gotta go"
Then mix that with single sentence white-text-on-black-background (optionally with DRAMATIC SLOW ZOOM, but that's just annoyingly forced epicness) explanations of the premise of the game. The one you already have in the description works fine:
Finn Flynn, a trans man about to graduate from his conservative Utah high school, wakes up one morning in the body of a housefly. Without the use of his voice, he'll have to come out to his insectophobic mad scientist dad and solve the mystery of his transformation.
Bit of reordering, bit of chopping up, and you get something like this:
"My name is FINN, pops"
Fin Flynn
"'I'm not even the girl you're looking for', what does that even mean?"
A trans man
"Finn, bedtime! Tomorrow, one more AP test, then your life can truly begin! SCIENCE!"
"Dad's being intense again. Look, I gotta go."
About to graduate from his conservative Utah high school
"And let in the *spiders*? Or worse, a MOTH?"
He'll have to come out to his insectophobic mad scientist dad...
THE NEXT MORNING
"Up and at 'em, rise and shine! Another day, another internal monologue."
"Rise and shine. Rise and shine."
"Up and at 'em."
"Wait, what the f-"
And solve the mystery of his transformation.
FLIES FLIES FLIES
Or something like that.
(I tried to keep the hard-cut to "FLIES FLIES FLIES", because I loved that and it already was a funny/dramatic way to end it)