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[HöllenKobold]

Your goal, gentlemen, is to craft a fanfictionilious story, casting your own handcrafted Mary Sue into an imaginative world where he/she would fascinatingly thrive, accomplishing your wildest dreams: be it love, honor, or revenge! Bonus points for exploiting current trends! Add blue-skin people to a stirring quest to sex up your unrequited highschool crush, or add low-res descriptions to an epic to empower your otherwise insecure frame with the power of indie cred and pixels!

Here's an example I wrote.
It doesn't exactly adhere exactly since the narrator is actually me, but fuck that. My fantasy can only involve me.

gambatte, taiga-tachi.

[Zaratustra]

That game exists already, silly. It's called DeviantArt.

[HöllenKobold]

I thought it was fanfiction.net.

[Inane]

Deviantart is where you photoshop yourself to look like the aliens from Avatar, silly billy.

I will so enter this competition or whatever if I remember it tonight, however.

[Towerfiend]

I'll have to give this one a Towerfiend try...

[BoxedLunch]

oh oh! i can do it. blah, blah, sparkles the vampire, blah, blah, teen drama, blah blah.

my millions of fans please? 

[TobiasW]

blah, blah, sparkles the vampire, blah, blah, teen drama, blah blah.

That's beautiful! Where can I buy it?

[Inanimate]

DIBS

[BoxedLunch]

DIBS

huh. i thought would be frankenstein, or terrifying clowns. 

[TwilightVulpine]

oh oh! i can do it. blah, blah, sparkles the vampire, blah, blah, teen drama, blah blah.

my millions of fans please? 

According to my mother, which quotes funny parts of the book every now and then, a notable part of Twilight is the comedy. My mother is into romances, so it's not surprising she liked the book. It is interesting that my father, which is not into romances, liked the book as well. As I gather, it seems probably the book has its merits, but it caused a lot of nerdrage by going against the vampire "canon", if there is such thing.

My nick has nothing to do with it, it comes from the time of the day. I end up involving myself with these discussions, though. I used to be against things just because of their popularity, but that changed since I misjudged Harry Potter and ended becoming a fan once I read it. I give Twilight some credit, not because it is popular, but because I trust some people who liked it. I didn't read it so far, but I probably will.

[BoxedLunch]

oh oh! i can do it. blah, blah, sparkles the vampire, blah, blah, teen drama, blah blah.

my millions of fans please? 

As I gather, it seems probably the book has its merits, but it caused a lot of nerdrage by going against the vampire "canon", if there is such thing.

i'm just saying vampires shouldn't sparkle in the sun. they friggin' die in it. 

[TwilightVulpine]

i'm just saying vampires shouldn't sparkle in the sun. they friggin' die in it.  

Did you know this was not present in the folklore? Neither in Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Dying in the sunlight is just a fabrication, which was associated to the myth relatively recently, only by habit. It is no more "should be" than vampires "should" sparkle.

Are vampires undead because they are cursed or sick? If they die in the sunlight, is it because UV rays sensibility or because of the ban of a sun deity? Shining vampires are just another explanation to why vampires are nocturnal, which they just happen to be. Adding, removing and changing traits of vampires is very common and trivial.

Edit: Did you know that some vampire legends say that they are arithmomaniacs? They are compelled to count seeds, so putting seeds in the vampire's path would keep them too occupied to attack anyone. So far, I've only seen a single writer using this.

You know, the only thing that is completely canon is that vampires drink blood.

[Inanimate]

That last part is not even canon either. Many variations of vampires do not drink blood. And yes, I knew about the counting thing. I remember it being used by good ol' Pterry.

My issue with Twilight is not the fact it just kinda ruins vampires, but the fact she's NOT A GOOD WRITER.

[TooMuchSpareTime]

My issue is that the moral is invariably "he hits you because he loves you, and the more he hits you, the more of your unconditional devotion he needs" and worst of all, that it's directed at a generation of impressionable teenage girls. Way to set the progress against domestic violence back a few decades, SM.

[TwilightVulpine]

That last part is not even canon either. Many variations of vampires do not drink blood.

In the old legends, you say? While called vampires? Interesting.
If that is the case, the only thing that makes the term "vampire" something with a meaning is its use.

My issue with Twilight is not the fact it just kinda ruins vampires, but the fact she's NOT A GOOD WRITER.

That sentence is very subjective, it doesn't explain much. Still, a writer you don't like doesn't ruin anything. It is not like you aren't able to enjoy a vampire story you liked before. Being snarky doesn't make you better, it tighten your bond to the thing you hate. Ignore it and it will go away. It is better than putting efforts in making a parody(do you really want to end up making a Scary Movie-like story?).

My issue is that the moral is invariably "he hits you because he loves you, and the more he hits you, the more of your unconditional devotion he needs" and worst of all, that it's directed at a generation of impressionable teenage girls. Way to set the progress against domestic violence back a few decades, SM.

Huh? Where did you see that? As far as I know, Edward is actually strangely tame for a vampire. He didn't even drink Bella's blood.

Just consulted the resident Twilight specialist (my mommy and she just said that the resident teenager Twilight fangirl is 44 year-old). No, it is nothing like that. He was always very controlled and careful to not to hurt her.

The worst thing that happened to Bella, due to Edward's fault, is having her daughter claw her way out of Bella's womb, Alien style.
Edward didn't want her to have the baby, though.

[gimymblert]

Edit: Did you know that some vampire legends say that they are arithmomaniacs? They are compelled to count seeds, so putting seeds in the vampire's path would keep them too occupied to attack anyone. So far, I've only seen a single writer using this.

OMG AWESOME 

You just explain a strange Caribbean mythological aspect that i could not track origin.     

 

[William Broom]

Just consulted the resident Twilight specialist (my mommy and she just said that the resident teenager Twilight fangirl is 44 year-old). No, it is nothing like that. He was always very controlled and careful to not to hurt her.

The worst thing that happened to Bella, due to Edward's fault, is having her daughter claw her way out of Bella's womb, Alien style.
Edward didn't want her to have the baby, though.

I don't mean to sound rude, but your mother is wrong. Of course, it's not as obvious as "And then Edward got drunk and slapped Bella around a bit". But he is constantly dominating, controlling, emotionally manipulative and needy. He takes advantage of her childish infatuation (remember he is almost 100 years older than her) to make her dependent on him. He watches her while she sleeps, which is fucking creepy. When she leaves him he threatens to commit suicide. He wants to control every aspect of her life i.e. he never lets her drive her car, he packs her clothes for her, he encourages her to neglect other relationships to spend more time with him... I could go on for ages.

Really, it's quite astonishing that Meyer was able to write such a consistently repulsive character without realising what she was doing.

[HöllenKobold]

Guys, just write Mary Sue stories, okay.

[TwilightVulpine]

I don't mean to sound rude, but your mother is wrong. Of course, it's not as obvious as "And then Edward got drunk and slapped Bella around a bit". But he is constantly dominating, controlling, emotionally manipulative and needy. He takes advantage of her childish infatuation (remember he is almost 100 years older than her) to make her dependent on him. He watches her while she sleeps, which is fucking creepy. When she leaves him he threatens to commit suicide. He wants to control every aspect of her life i.e. he never lets her drive her car, he packs her clothes for her, he encourages her to neglect other relationships to spend more time with him... I could go on for ages.

Really, it's quite astonishing that Meyer was able to write such a consistently repulsive character without realising what she was doing.

Is it really? I wouldn't find out-of-character that he watched her sleep, but I don't think he encouraged her to neglect other relationships, she seem to be the one that insists to be with him. He is probably overprotective, because he is immortal and she is not. According to what I was told, Edward only tried to suicide because he thought Bella was dead, which is quite different than a threat. Checking on Wikipedia, it seems Jacob was the one who used suicide threats, but it didn't change Bella's decision.